I'm not sure if this is the correct forum for my post but I'm new here and a little overwhelmed by the huge landscape of content here.
I have been married to my ADHD husband for 11 years. When we were dating once I got to know him I knew he was undiagnosed ADHD from the difficulties he described in school and just from being with him. He was evaluated and sure enough he was diagnosed. He started Ritalin and said it helped him with the focus/organization issues.
My husband was also sexually abused as a child. There have always been communication and intimacy issues in our relationship. He's been treated for depression and we've been to marriage counseling which was a dismal failure. The focus has always been on the effects of the abuse he suffered as a child, never the effects that ADHD might have on our relationship.
I watched the ADHD and Loving It show on pbs one night and just saw him in every scene. A huge issue in our marriage has always been his lack of understanding of what I mean by intimacy in our marriage. To him intimacy means sex, I say fine then why don't we have any? He's always shown what I consider an inappropriate interest in other women, making comments about their bodies, etc. Along our marital journey I've discovered him surfing porn on the internet, signing up for multiple dating services and chatting with men and women, receiving emails from them with pictures and requests to meet. Last year I found out that he had slept with another woman. Each time something happens he promises that it will not happen again and I try to believe in him but I can never fully trust him and eventually I'm not disappointed as something pops up.
Last week I picked up his phone to call my son to come home and found a text conversation between him and the woman he slept with last year. At first he denied it, said it was some guy that he works with and I should call him and ask. So when i pushed that and said go ahead he started to back pedal. Anyway, it ended in a big blowout which ended with me demanding that he get help and that I could not stay married to him if this behavior continued. He eventually broke down crying and said he admits he has a problem and he needs help. We had talked about the ADHD angle and how it was destroying our marriage because he wasn't really addressing it or admitting that it could be an issue after watching the show. I told him after our argument that he needed to get help immediately or I was taking the kids and leaving.
The kicker here is that we just moved our family from Massachusetts to Missouri this summer. He wanted a clean start, I believed him. Now I am aware that our clean start was all a lie, he's been with a man (that's not cheating according to him) and another woman. I'm here alone, no support system except for friends and family at home who want nothing but for me and the kids to come home. They never wanted me to leave because of my husband's past transgressions.
I'm waiting for him to get help. In my mind I've given him a week to do this and if nothing happens then I'm all done.
I guess my quest for hope here is my wondering if any of you out there have been this low and with treatment have been able to climb back out of the hole. I can't help wondering how much of my husband's behavior is ADHD and how much might be the effects of abuse. I'm wondering if there are people out there who have risen from the depths I feel we're at right now and if so how did you do it. I am truly lost at this point, hurt, angry, embarased, not sure if I should throw in the towel and go home. To top it off I've given up my teaching career back in MA and haven't a penny to my name. I know my family would help me get home but then I'm looking at bankruptcy and rebuilding my life. I really feel it's time for him to step up to the plate, he knows what he has to do. If doesn't do it this time I feel that I've paid my dues and deserve another shot at happiness.