I just found this site a few days ago and am alarmed by the number of people whose posts are nearly identical to my situation.
My husband and I met almost three years ago. He was wishy washy to begin with, wanting to spend every second together, talk constantly, then make sure (publicly - often humiliating me) I knew I was NOT his girlfriend. The next day, he'd be begging me to come over for movies and cuddling. When he decided we actually WERE a couple, I was pregnant the next month, and we were married four months after that. He was still very attentive then except he refused to work. He said he was a bad interviewee, the schedules didn't match, he had bad blood with some of the employees there (he had been a social butterfly for many years; read also as a once-heavy-drinker). There was always some reason he couldn't work. So I supported us on my wages and I drained my bank account; scary thing with a baby on the way. But there's that idiotic part of me that thinks real love will provide and struggling isn't so bad as long as we're together.
His first real shift in personality was the day our son was born. We used midwives and did a birthing center. I was understandably exhausted and just needed to lie down. My husband kept telling me I had to get up and move. He was instructing me, but not making me do it. The midwife shows up and forced me up, made me walk, made me sway. He still harbors resentment that "you listened to HER during labor, but wouldn't listen to ME!" He did virtually nothing to care for our son. He worked a part-time retail job then and, because he got up at 4 am, I did all of the night watching of the baby as well as the day watching. A few months after baby was home, I was arguing with him about how he would come in from work, claiming total exhaustion, and take a three hour nap in the floor. I was expected to make dinner while he napped, too. I literally went the first three months of my son's life with zero help and about two hours of sleep every night. When I was telling him I needed help and he just "didn't understand," I became really angry, yelled at him, called him lazy, and he told me to "stop being a f***ing c***!" Yeah, that's what every new mother wants to be called by her husband - the "C" word.
I developed crazy depression and sought medication that reacted with me and aggravated my existing anxiety disorder (yes, I have a panic disorder and chronic depression). He lost his job because he had to stay home with us while I detoxed from the meds. That was seven months ago. He refuses to return to work. He makes me work instead, even though I can't even drive myself. I hitch rides with people to get to my job (about an hour from our home), and I'm still expected to take over baby duty as soon as I come in after work, I have to make dinner, I do the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning - EVERYTHING. We've been in a terrible financial shape because my wages didn't even meet the mortgage payment. We recently sold this house and my husband refuses to give me access to ANY of the money. He owes me $10,000 from me draining my savings (that was money I earned over a 14 year period in anticipation of paying off student loans). He has given me $5,000 of it and says he won't give me the rest. He also won't give my mother (who paid many of our bills the last six months) any of the money she lent us. Instead, he spent $16,000 on HIMSELF last week alone. Without talking to me. The house we sold was given to him by his father when he passed, so my husband says, "my house, my money." But I thought he'd at least give me what he took from me. He promised to pay me back.
Now, we fight about the money constantly, and he tells me I'm not trustworthy, I need to prove myself, he thinks I'm going to screw him over, he thinks I'm going to leave him and take his money. He will fight with me about anything (he yelled at me until I was crying on the floor one day...about a MAGNET). I told him one day, crying, how I felt suicidal and he followed me around the house making fake crying noises and an "ugly crying face" at me. I've never been so miserable in all of my life.
I hold in there because I know how he used to be. And knowing he has ADHD (take Adderal) and depression (takes Prozac and Welbutrin) allows me to give him more benefit of the doubt than if he didn't have any disorders. But when is enough enough? When do we stop saying ADHD is a factor and say, "you're an abusive jerk"? He's only gotten worse on the meds. If he goes a period without them, he has even angrier, more violent outbursts. He's never been physically violent with my son or me, but I'm afraid it's heading that direction. And now he knows I have NO money, no savings anymore, a job I can't get to if he doesn't drive me, and he controls ALL of the funds. He still says he can't get a job and I have to keep working. How am I supposed to deal with my anxiety if I can't have time to recuperate? How does he not understand the pain and suffering he brings me? But I'm always nagging, I'm always a bitch (his mom tells me, too), and I'm never pulling my weight. Guess me taking absolute care of him for the last two to three years, bearing his son, and being the sole breadwinner is what makes me "a f***ing c***." Right?