Looking for stories of hope

I've been with my partner for around 10 years we have a 4 year old daughter. He was diagnosed a few years ago, has a long history of challenges with alcohol. He went on medication a year ago and it immediately managed his dependency on alcohol. He also noticed a huge difference at work and was able to achieve more. 
However our relationship was never rockier. His orginal meds really increased his irritability and while better now the cycle of defensiveness, blame and conflict is almost terminal. 
Despite the above he is at heart a good person, he has just been masking for so long he does not know any other way. He's a devoted Dad and I know loves me dearly, he just can't seem to grasp the challenges I face daily of living with him. He's very chaotic, messy, disorganised and relies on me as the problem solver. I've let it happen but now I'm exhausted. 
We recently seperated but im back home after 2 weeks. I can't bear to be away from my daughter and the idea of losing my family is too much. But the thought of living like this for another 30 years is equally overwhelming. My question. What actually works? We are in counseling but im not sure if it is really helping, we seem to be making better progress unpicking our conflict on our own. 
how can I get him to make changes around the house, help out more. Make small changes but actually stick to it. Nothing ever sticks. He's tried a ADHD coach but he does not keep to the practices. I feel so stuck, I'm looking for hope but I don't know if he can really be the partner I want him to be. How can you work out when it's time to leave or is it better to change from within. 
If we break up is co parenting with a ADHD ex just a whole new set of problems? Would love to hear experiences.