I have ADHD and my father has ADHD. I was told I had ADHD when I was in high school but thought that just meant that I would have a hard time finishing tasks. I have been married for 10 years and my wife is about to leave me. We have 3 children together and I haven't been able to figure out what my problem is. It just seems like I can't get things done sometimes and I can't remember to get everything done I need to around the house even if I write it down in a little notebook I carry around with me. I found this website 2 days ago and could not believe the stories that I was reading and how they are almost exactly the same as what I am going through right now. I love my wife but I'm pretty sure she hates me at this point. I haven't talked to her about my ADHD and how that may be the reason I have been such a failure in this marriage but I'm afraid that she will just tell me it's another excuse. I had no idea what a toll ADHD could take on a marriage, I thought I was just failing. I don't blame her for being upset and I honestly don't know what else to say because I don't want it to sound like I'm blaming everything on my ADHD and that I had no part in it. I have failed extensively in this marriage and it might be better for her to just leave and find someone that doesn't have this issue but I do love her and don't want her to leave. I want to change but I'm afraid it might be too late. I guess I'm kind of just rambling and I don't really know what I'm hoping to get out of this. I just needed to put it somewhere because I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to.
Losing Hope
Submitted by fixxxer9 on 10/12/2016.
Hi Fixxer9,
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Hi Fixxer9,
I am a non ADHD wife married to an ADHD man whose condition is quite severe and unmanaged generally. He also has underlying issues related to CSA (childhood abuse - unresolved/treated) and clinical depression (unmanaged). I will try to answer your questions as best as I can - but please know that my responses are what *I* would want to happen, and are based on my own experience. Keep that in mind its not a "how to fix this" response. And since I dont know your wife or what the situation is from her perspective - I will have to make educated guesses based on my own situation. :-)
First - I want to commend you for coming here, it shows that you are taking ownership of your tendencies, and have a desire to function better. I hope you stick around, and even though it might be hard and painful - stay the course and you WILL be successfull in managing the ADHD issues you are experiencing.
So - now, getting back to the situation you are in. Kinda sounds rough. And I can tell you I am in the same boat - but on the other side of the equation. You can read my previous posts by clicking on my user name to get some background on my own situation so you understand where some of what i am going to suggest comes from.
If you were my husband, and things had progressed where there are in your post - this is what *I* would want you to do.
First thing you need to do is calmly approach your wife and tell her that you absolutely love her and ask to talk about things. Now is the time for humble, now is the time for ownership of your part in all of the troubles. I suspect your wife has been suffering greatly at the lack of things she needs to feel happy and full filled in your relationship for a very very very long time. Make sure that ANYTHING YOU DO right now is from a place of kindness and gentleness and most of all calmness. Once you can get her attention, apologize - not just for in general, but be specific about the most recent issue you had. Tell her that you can see that when you did a, b and c - it caused her stress and suffering. Let her know that you are starting to see how your actions have and are affecting her well being. Tell her you are seeking help, that you have begun to work on figuring out why you are having trouble executing what you KNOW you need to do. Tell her you have come to this forum to read and understand and get support. Give her the link.
I cannot emphasize this enough - this is a time for YOUR ownership... dont let this turn into any sort of attack on her, or what SHE does that bothers you etc. Keep the focus on yourself. Be the example in your family on how to accept your own difficulties and learn how to better handle things for yourself and the people around you. The goal is to show love and respect and to find joy and happiness - that has to start with YOU - YOURSELF.
Next thing I would do is show her your post here. Show her that you are reaching out for help. I would also get Melissa's book and tell your wife that you want to read it, and that you would like her to read it with you. But even if she DOESNT - you still do it as it will help you. Let her know that while you dont know yet what is going to help, that you are committed to finding out how to live and function better to be a better husband and father.
I would write everything down before you even approach her just so that you have a clear picture of what you want to say. Heck even reading it to her is a good idea. This is a new thing for you - so it will be hard, and it wont be perfect. Let her know that you want to START making changes. That you want to be better for her AND for you. Tell her you understand that she is angry and that she might feel disgust, and not believe you. Because its probably the truth. She probably has been pushed to her limit. And that is OK - she is allowed her feelings. Let her know that its ok for her to feel the way she feels and that you accept it. But that you want to earn trust back, and you want to make her happy long term and show her that she can one day believe in you again. Let her know that you feel you have failed in the marriage, and that you are taking steps to put yourself back in control and taking ownership of your responsibilities and ownership of your role in the marriage. Tell her why - because you love her.
Now on to you, be careful with that defeating talk about what you think might be better for her. She CHOSE you. You CHOSE her. Dont let the hard work of tendency management destroy what you guys have. It might be burried in rubble right now - but its still there. My husband is running away using the same excuse - and I promise you, if you say that and walk away from your relationship with out even trying earnestly in managing your own symptoms - you will regret it, and you will never build up self resepct. Being a defeatist is no good - because you CAN overcome this and control the ADHD tendencies. But you need help to do it. Be honest with yourself and dont let ego interfere with the work of mastering your own self. There will be things that you have a hard time with - be it time management, or remembering to close the cabinet doors, or just being messy in general. It will take time and commitement from you to manage one thing at a time until you find a way that works. Because not everything works for everyone.
I would ask your wife to help you in this, by allowing you the time to start working, and helping you with "check ins" on your progress and getting feedback on how things are going. But you will have to be open to this and not take it as someone controlling you or berating you. Even if it feels that way at first.
Also - FOR SURE get Melissa's books. Read them like a bible. Come here for support. SHOW YOUR WIFE what you are doing. For me personally - hiding away and secrecy is the worst thing to deal with. If I cannot see it - I cannot believe it. Give your wife something to believe in. Its NEVER TOO LATE. And even if the worst case is that your wife and you split up - the tools you will have and good habbits you build in truely managing your issues will make your life 1000000 times better.
I do believe though if you own your role in the problems you guys have, show that you are doing the work and REALLY DO IT - you guys can have a healthy, happy marriage.
Take the steps you need to successfully drive that glorious race car brain you have! Open yourself up to the wonderful love you can have when you truly own who you are, and truly give to your wife.
We have several people here who are non ADHD, and several who are - who have learned to manage their symptoms and even help others. Be open to what they say. Come here for support - you are not alone. Ramble away ! :-) I ramble allll the time.