First off, I have to make a confession that I honestly had no idea the depth and effect that ADD/ADHD can have on a relationship when I began dating my wife. Sure, I knew people who were "ADHD" growing up, and even a few as adults, but for the most part they seemed happy, adjusted, and vivacious individuals who were also succeeding at their jobs or careers.
I dated my wife for about three years before we decided to get married, and the entire time it was exactly like a lot of the material I've now read about relationships with an ADHD partner: hyperfocus on the relationship, lots of passion, lots of togetherness, lots of love... as one would expect from someone fixated on an individual, and I had decided I'd found the woman to spend my life with and worked towards making it happen. I got to know her family extremely well. In the process I learned that her father very strongly has ADHD, and also has a brother who are also very strongly ADHD. The brother, as I learned, has very obvious symptoms and an official diagnosis, and even though he has taken Ritalin and Adderall for the issue it was never very well managed and he's had life difficulties as a result in school and with his girlfriend. So, there's definitely a strong family history for it.
Throughout our dating history, my wife has always had little problems related to her condition. She would forget to pay bills occasionally, and come home to her apartment to find that the water had been cut off, for example. Cabinet doors were always left standing open. Bottles for vitamins, liquids like rubbing alcohol, jars, and such would be left on the counters with their lids off. It would always take her far longer to get ready to go places than would be expected due to fluttering about from thing to thing, and as a result it was always a push to be on-time for many things. I've had to apologize countless times to friends and colleagues for lateness and leaving people waiting, or otherwise causing them delays as a result. She has totaled two cars as a result of what I can only describe as probable distracted driving but not due to a cell phone.
All of this, in my mind, I had attributed to just absent-mindedness because hey, we all make mistakes and forget about things. We all run late from time to time, and accidents happen. We all get distracted.
We got married several years ago, and things were basically great... at first. Starting out, from me there were lots of "honey, please turn the light off when you leave a room" and "honey, please put the bottle caps back on things and put them away when you're done" and "honey, you forgot to turn the burner on the stove off" or turn the oven off. There were lots of "honey, where did you put the mail" type question and answer sessions. We'd have discussions at depth about things, and when I would think we had come to an agreement on something we would have to have the discussion all over again days later. We would make joint decisions about things and one day I would be told we never did. There were burned meals due to forgetting to check on them or set a timer. I've woken up to the smell of burning carpet where she left a steam iron on all night, ironing board was knocked over by the dog, and had burned a place into the carpet. We've had money for important bills get diverted to other uses because of lack of communication and assumption on her part and have had financial difficulties as a result.
This has turned me into a walking ball of frayed nerves, paranoia, depression, and worst of all: anger. I have never felt so angry in my life. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. My health is starting to decline because of all the negativity I feel in myself. I'm medicated for the depression, and I am planning on seeking help for dealing with the anger. I just can't believe that I have developed such a dismal outlook on my marriage with my wife, who is a kind, sweet, gentle person by nature.
This is a person I love, who I married with the expectation of having a partner that I can rely on in life and to hopefully one day be the mother of my children. I'm so scared of her and this situation now that I'm afraid of even having kids with her at this point. My fears and experience tell me it would only be a matter of time before her condition would affect our children. What's worst for me is still truly the anger I feel. I'm frightened of myself and the gradual upwelling of resentment that has been festering towards my wife. I've found myself losing control of my anger, verbally assaulting her for situations that have arisen because her ADHD, and I hate myself for it. I hate that I am hurting someone I love and care for so deeply, and feel powerless to stop it or change the circumstances. I hate feeling like I'm turning into some sort of monster because I'm constantly on guard for the next minor disaster to occur. I hate feeling like I always have to carry the weight of the household on top of managing a full time career. She has attempted a career but that also did not work out, and as a result has turned to part-time work just so we can keep our bills paid and food on the table. I'm fearing the day I have to get a part-time evening job to pick up the slack when her current situation also falls flat.
Over the weekend, things came to a head again, and I lost my temper with her. She's now staying with her parents as a result, and I'm not sure for how long. I hate this and I hate having to face this situation; a situation that now, on top of all the other emotions, has left me both sad and alone. I can only imagine how my wife feels, being a slave to her condition and having what appears to be an uncaring spouse. The parent/child dynamic has already set in, and I'm not even sure how I can start trusting her at this point given how frequently I've been let down in the past. She's been seeking counseling but it has so far been unfruitful outwardly, and she's also not been prescribed anything to help her manage the biological components of this. She has had them in the past, but discontinued taking them due to complaints about how they made her feel and, especially with the Adderall, impacting her ability to sleep at night.
I'm losing all hope for a joyful outcome to all of this. I see many people on here who want to leave their spouses, and many who apparently have. I don't. I love this woman! I want a beautiful, happy marriage with her that she seemed ready and fully capable of before things just seemed to start getting worse. I don't know what to do. But on the other hand, I want my health. I want to be happy. I want the constant, throbbing headaches from stress and tension I have to end. I want to feel like I have the energy to take on life again. I want to feel vitalized by my wife, and not feel like a single dad. I have no support, nobody who understands in my life, nobody to share my feelings with who can relate or understand the issue. Friends and family all see what goes on and have a general "she needs to get her **** together" reaction which, as anyone with an ADHD spouse knows, just isn't going to magically happen.
I just don't know how to get there. I've been reading books, I've been reading information on the internet, and have a few more books on the way. Counseling, I hope, will start leading us there but there's no "cure" for ADHD and I feel like, while I'm married to her, this is always going to be a problem. How does one face the prospect of living the rest of their married life shouldering the responsibility of protecting and caring for our children? How does one accept that, for the most part, you're the one who will either have to suck it up and endure the burden of the situation or leave? How does one face the idea of a lifetime of managing the balance between loving your spouse with resenting the fact you ever married them?
I get this.
Submitted by smilingagain on
I have these thoughts all the time. In my situation- we both have adhd... But mine is well-managed and I am feeling better than I ever have. I work full time as a lawyer. My husband was always the bigger income (he was in finance) until last year when he quit his job. It was a long time coming... The environment was toxic and I witnessed a slow deterioration of his self-esteem, health and happiness over the 7 years. Unfortunately, he seems to have fallen apart... We have 2 small children. I am responsible for them, the house and my job (I work full time as a litigator) while my husband is apparently only able to focus on himself and his job hunt... Which appears to include sleeping many days away, staying out all night doing who knows what, and picking fights with me over how I am doing things, without offering to actually take on any of the tasks... He obstructs my efforts to set schedules and enforce discipline. He says I am a control freak for insisting on sunscreen and limited screen time. Basically- he is too lazy or depressed or whatever to parent properly, but feels guilty about this, so,tried to interfere with my efforts(that's my take on it). I can take the uneven distribution of labour- but the obstructing and the verbal abuse are what have me eyeing the door.
I am waiting to see if getting a new job creates positive change. Failing that, I think I have some tough truths to face.
i am not angry anymore... Although I was. I am not even sad. I am just disappointed and utterly exhausted.
Your post raised some red flags for me... I understand being frustrated- but that is no excuse for being verbally abusive to your wife. She made me do it is also the excuse given by physical abusers. You need to get honest about your own behaviours. If she has left something burning - then that is legitimately a risk- and I can see yelling or getting upset at those kinds of behaviours... But if you are flying off the handle because she hasn't closed the peanut butter lid or because she is late... You are likely more to blame then she is. What did you say or do to make her go to her parents? Guess what- there is no excuse to unload like that. If you can't help it because being married to her 'makes you' behave like that, then maybe you should consider therapy for yourself before blaming her and her adhd. Are you going to scream at your children if they inherit the adhd and exhibit similarly annoying symptoms? I could write more here- but I don't know enough about you or her...
I understand how frustrating it is to carry the lions share and to be let down repeatedly. But please don't forget to be accountable- really honest with yourself about your own behaviours and how unacceptable they are, no matter your frustration levels.
hang in there.
Accountability isn't the issue
Submitted by angry_dh on
because I take full responsibility for my own behavior. As much as I want to say "yes, the ADHD is driving me off the deep end" I ultimately know my behavior is my responsibility. The depression always has made me occasionally irritable, but although I never had these anger issues before (and it's not so much about bottle caps) I realize that it's my inability to deal with the situation and letting my frustration build up to critical levels. It's disturbing enough that all it took was one time, one moment of uncontrollable anger, to know I need help in the situation. I also know that until I get help for my side of the problem that it's going to make my wife's ability to handle her condition that much harder, which is why I'm not just going to sit around and wait for it to happen again. Thankfully I'm getting in to talk with a professional next week to begin helping me deal with the emotions.
I'm not an abusive person by nature, never have been, which is why it's so shocking to realize just how out of control my anger became. Despite knowing it's a mental condition for her, it seems impossible for me to grasp how the ADHD mind works when unmanaged. My reactions, I've noticed, have gotten worse and worse over time. It started with the gentle reminders, then as they never seemed to help, the resentment started setting in where I just felt like she was being lazy, and then when more dangerous things started happening like with the iron on the carpet I started to get anxiety and paranoid. But yes, I *do* recognize my need for help in the situation and am actively seeking it. When I mean I was verbally abusive, it was in calling her lazy, uncaring, untrustworthy, and she left because *I* have built her up in the past to never accept anyone treating her like that. Ever. She's been talked down to because of her unmanaged ADHD before by people and was devastated by it.
My anger over the weekend was about feeling deceived. It was about feeling like I'd been tricked into marrying someone who wasn't who I thought she was, and that's an image of her that has been coming into focus for four years now. I'm not angry now, just utterly hopeless and grieving for my marriage. I'm still trying, but from reading these forums and others... I just don't have much hope.
Good for you...
Submitted by smilingagain on
Good for you for getting some help to deal with how this situation has affected and changed YOU. That is all you can control. And if you've been living on pins and needles worrying about unplugged irons and missed appointments, you are going to drive yourself nuts.
I understand grieving that your wife and the marriage is not what you thought. But I don't think anyone truly knows what they are getting into when they get married. Everyone puts on their best self when dating. Everyone finds out unpleasant things about their spouse when they have been married for awhile. This is universal. ADHD or not. It is very hard to share space with someone else and merge living styles.
I want to say something about the verbal abuse situation... You say: "When I mean I was verbally abusive, it was in calling her lazy, uncaring, untrustworthy" . You're right, that is verbally abusive and those are particularly damaging things to say to a person with ADHD, who is actually trying, but is unable to make the changes you were hoping for. An ADHD person is literally incapable (without the right treatments and a supportive environment) of changing certain behaviours. It's not a matter of trying harder. It's neurological condition. To me- screaming these kind of things at your wife is devastating. You also said: "Despite knowing it's a mental condition for her, it seems impossible for me to grasp how the ADHD mind works when unmanaged." My advice to you is to educate yourself. Really educate yourself about ADHD and how it manifests in different people, I don't see it as this automatic death-knell for marriages. It's one of the most treatable conditions out there...
You have to determine whether you want to stay married to your wife or, at a first stage, whether you want to make efforts to improve things and stay married. If the answer is already a no- then it's best to leave now. For both of you. She will be fine. She has a supportive family. She will likely meet someone else who is a little more laid back, doesn't mind the clutter and forgetfulness and helps her find work arounds for the stuff that truly needs to change...
But if the answer is yes- you have some pretty specific things you can do that will make your odds much higher.
If you can't do this stuff, and many people can't, maybe it's best to call it quits. If you are going to be miserable and anxious constantly and angry... this isn't a good fit. There is nothing wrong with that. We all have different standards and some people require a lot of order and predictability. But don't turn that all around on her. Many people deal well with quite a lot of chaos... My parents both have ADHD and the house was messy, the dog ran away all the time, the dinner got burnt on occasion, my mother was always late... but there was a lot of love and tolerance for differences and creativity and fun. And that's what we valued. As I said before- if that's not a life you can stand (the messy part), and it's changing you- then you should move on. But maybe give your wife and yourself the shot of trying the above steps to see if there would be an improvement.
None of this post is meant to discount the frustration and the struggle you are going through. This is not easy. I commend you for taking accountability and for getting help. I wish you the best, truly. All this advice is coming from a good place and from someone who knows both sides of this particular issue very well... I have ADHD and so does my husband... and it's been a tough road.
Only you will know whether you want to save the relationship and whether that's even possible (due to your specific temperment). But in either case, I think researching this condition would be very helpful in providing you an explanation and some strategies for improving things or moving on.
Finally- You mentioned your own tendency to be depressed. I have been there before too. Don't underestimate the effect that has on your perspective. Everything looks dismal and unsolvable when you are depressed. Seeking help is a good idea. Hang in there and forgive yourself for the stuff that's happened to date. No one is themselves when they are depressed.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Much truth in you post: smilingagain
Submitted by c ur self on
This is a great post! I wish I could have had your knowledge, and experience w/ADD 6 years ago when I married...But, what you say here is where life has dragged me :) When we truly step back and realize how blessed we are, the daily effects of add, become pale. It only has the power we give it....A couple of months ago, after my wife had been moved back in for a week are so...I looked into bed room...My side of the room was picked up...and her side was its normal wreck. (which I use to allow to frustrate me) My wife happened to be standing near by seeing what I was seeing...I smiling glanced at her and said "my wife is home" :) I hope I never forget the peace I had that moment. Just knowing God's Grace is so sufficient in all things...And I don't have to be taken to Hell in my mind, because I have a set of expectations, that drive me more than my ability to love....
This resonates with me. I
Submitted by copingSAH on
This resonates with me. I feel my spouse pursued me as someone who could fill the spot of his dying mother. I realized it years into the marriage and still do when the bad periods arise. There is not enough emotional empathy on my spouse's part to make it a fully functioning marriage. In turn, I feel like I am holding back because of this.
I feel at times I'm reduced to this creature that behaves in a primitive fashion.
I think a lot is that the ADHD person has had to manipulate others' opinions to diffuse the situation of being blamed all their life, or at least take the onus off of themselves in a way to make us second guess, even if they instigated the events (deliberately or unknowingly). At least 50% of the time I feel I'm being gaslighted by their logic. I don't believe that the ADHD partner is completely in the dark about what they are "completely unaware" of, or "not understanding" what I am trying to get across.
Having had empathic tendencies ever since I was young, if anything is off-center or off-color, I feel it to the core (quick to sense and spot inconsistencies in conversation, films, literature, diagrams so it may seem like I'm acting clever but that is not my intent, I just focus on what what catches my logic by surprise).
The ADHD issues have forced me to have to accept an opposing set of logic in order to keep the peace...
to copingSAH
Submitted by jennalemon on
Exactly. It is not the ADD that has me upset as much as the manipulative, sometimes thoughtless and mean way he copes with it. Gaslighting....he knows what he is doing plenty of the time.
angry_dh - we are in the same
Submitted by By my fingernails on
angry_dh - we are in the same position. Exactly.
I am angry about feeling like I was tricked into marrying someone who isn't who I thought he was...
I did everything right in preparation for my marriage. I didn't know that someone could lie about core, fundamental things, and really not be a sadistic person, actually be a loving person who is just bumbling so much through life...
It's taken me YEARS to understand that he truly means exactly what he says IN THE MOMENT, but that it cannot be relied upon at any future point in time. In ANYTHING - employment, faith, church attendance, money management, house projects, maintaining a home, being a friend (even to HIS friends)...
I too don't have much hope. How can you when things get dangerous? Everything you read about the elderly says that if something like what happens in your or my home happens that they need to get a doctor - because they likely have Alzheimer's and need to be in a long term memory care treatment facility. What's the difference when it's a young person with ADD who doesn't turn off the burner on the stove (over and over and over again), until you smell the empty pan on the stove burning? What about the person who hooks up the dishwasher to the sink (it's a rolling, portable dishwasher) and despite having done this hundreds of times, this is the time that he moves the faucet over the backsplash rather than over the sink, flooding the kitchen? And due to unemployment, was home all day and never heard the splashing, didn't notice the lake accumulating in the kitchen...
And when I get home and find it, I know that I can't yell or scream, so I don't. I VERY calmly ask him about it and HE blows up - likely due to feeling such shame and embarrassment... but I'm pregnant, so I can't be yelled at without crying. So even though he does a cursory cleanup (of the lake on the floor) it's up to me to clean up everything on the countertops and do the dishes that he didn't do earlier, crying the whole time. And so he storms out because he can't handle it.
I too had NO IDEA the depth and effect that ADD could have on my relationship when my husband revealed that he had ADD and was starting to take Adderall (this was halfway into our engagement before we were married).
I read what I thought was EVERYTHING I could read on the subject. Trouble with money? Nope. Trouble with employment? Nope. Trouble with relationships? Nope. Trouble with car accidents? Nope. Forgetful? A little - maybe keys or finding things, but not massively forgetful... Inattentive? A bit - there were times when I wasn't as sure of how he felt about me as I felt about him. But on the whole NO red flags. NONE of the biggies that can really break a marriage. He had a job he'd held for YEARS and was working towards a designation in his field and from the way he talked we were on the SAME PAGE about EVERYTHING. Kids, family, faith, beliefs, money, sex - you name the biggies and they ALL lined up. After dating for a little over two years I really felt like I knew and could trust this person... I LOVED his family. They LOVED me. Sure, he wasn't the cleanest person in the world, but most 20-something men that I dated weren't either. Yep, sometimes he left cabinet doors open or drawers open but that's not that big of a deal, right?
Right. Until it's everything, every day. Until you realize that you've started parenting your spouse, not because you're a control freak, but because they put you in that position. The number of times we've had to argue about turning lights off or locking doors is literally insanity-provoking. When I tell our friends what we fight about they do not believe me because it makes me sound insane. Although they are starting to see the cracks more (because I'm compensating less) and they are starting to believe me, and now pity me... And when it's all those little things PLUS the biggies like employment, money, and literally running out of money as their mistakes are LARGE and they have nothing to cover them... what can you do besides be angry and blow up in frustration?
Then you realize how stimulating arguing is for the ADD brain and you refuse to participate. So you keep yourself calm, you keep your tone low, you use supportive sentences and AT THE SAME TIME stand up for yourself and not back down from what you need - until it causes them to EXPLODE because they don't know how to manage the feelings of shame washing over them... But you don't get to that point without losing yourself. My sister recently wrote me a very heartfelt email that she's very worried about me as she's watched me go from a happy go lucky, physically healthy, spiritually connected, make things in my life happen kind of a person to a shriveled up, angry, fearful version of my former self.
SAD.
I've explained to her that I've had to narrow my focus to just a handful of priorities as I cannot manage anything else, due to having to clean up after husband, in literally every way, shape, and form. And when she tells me not to clean up after him I remind her that I'M the one that cares about the dust bunnies, I care about feeling junk under my feet when I walk through the house, I care about having dirty dishes out, and I care about being organized. So I have two choices - and I've chosen cleaning up to be my priority, which, given the size of the messes that he makes, means that I'm cleaning up after him ALL the time. Do I resent it? Yep. Do I have a choice? Yep - I can let the house look shitty, but it's so mentally taxing for me to live in filth and clutter that I've made my choice. My nerves have been frayed, I've been depressed, I've been so angry. I've been unrecognizable to myself over simple things.
I questioned myself deeply, to my core, for YEARS because hubby was blaming me for everything. I searched my soul and my behavior and while there were things I needed to change and improve (I had also taken to blowing up due to the unending anger and frustration - mostly around issues of SAFETY!) now that I've changed and improved them hubby STILL blames me. And now I can look at myself and honestly know that he's the one with the problem. And I remind myself of a previous serious, long term relationship in which I lived with a 20 something young man who kept a SPOTLESS apartment, who participated in church and faith activities with me, who had his own issues and faults and failings, but I am reminded that it's not me because I WAS in a relationship with someone who was consistent about their values and the things most core to who they are... someone who I didn't fight with every day, someone who actually made my life easier rather than more difficult...
I did not marry that person (though they proposed) for a lot of reasons - mostly that I wasn't ready, as it turned out. And I still have days when I'm glad that I married my current partner as I'm learning a LOT about myself and just how strong I am. But now that I'm pregnant and he got laid off during the pregnancy (NOT his fault - company shut down completely out of the blue) he's not doing well with the unstructured time and the stress of the impending fatherhood. I knew that having a child would exacerbate his symptoms and stress our marriage, but I was not prepared for this level of anxiety around money and his inability to COMPLETE anything while dealing with hormones and the physical changes that come with pregnancy. Now that I'm pregnant I'm in a SHEER PANIC about not knowing whether or not I can rely on him. Before it was just me and I always knew that I could take care of myself no matter what happened between the two of us. Now there's an innocent being who is being affected by all of this crazy...
Anyway, I started out with the intention of trying to help you get past the anger, but it's a process and might take a LONG time of grieving the marriage that you thought you were going to have. I have resigned myself that I will never have the beautiful, happy marriage that I wanted. I will have choices. I will, at some point, have to choose whether or not to stay with him. He will always stay with me because he literally cannot ever do better. I'll be the one to pull the plug if it needs to be pulled. I will also have to decide how much to put up with, how much work I want to do, and how much being with him sucks my mental sanity dry.
For now, despite the upheaval caused by his unemployment, the balance is still tipped in favor of staying. But I can foresee a time when that would no longer be true. The best predictor of future behavior is past - boy is that confusing when I think about who I was originally married to - the first 3.5 years of our relationship were AMAZING. The last 4 years of our marriage have been a complete shit show. Which piece is the predictor of the future? If it's the latter, with constant job switching, career switching, not making enough money, etc., we are doomed. I know my boundaries and will not be able to stay through it. But if he can maintain a career and employment - maybe it's enough to be able to put up with the rest of the issues and have a marriage that is better than some, and worse than some. I've disconnected the emotion from our relationship as much as a pregnant person possibly can... and I think that detachment might help you too.
So how to get there - detachment, NOT looking at your spouse in the traditional ways that people do, like in traditional couples counseling or in books with marriage advice, etc. I recommend looking at your spouse in the context of the ADD spectrum rather than the total population including healthy, happy, well adjusted people and relationships. Also, detachment in realizing that your spouses choices DO NOT in any way reflect on you, and your living together does not imply approval or understanding of their choices. (Detachment will also take a bit of grieving.) I would also say that letting go of the expectations of the person that you married helps. That person legitimately does not exist. The only person who does is the one in front of you on that day.
"How does one face the prospect of living the rest of their married life shouldering the responsibility of protecting and caring for our children? How does one accept that, for the most part, you're the one who will either have to suck it up and endure the burden of the situation or leave? How does one face the idea of a lifetime of managing the balance between loving your spouse with resenting the fact you ever married them?"
That is the piece of what you wrote that struck me the most, as that is currently what I am also struggling with.
:(
Wish I could help there, but I have no idea myself.
it just sucks
Submitted by angry_dh on
... trying and trying to fix things, make things better. Being a guy, I'm sort of a "fixer" by nature. If there's a problem, there's always a solution. It's very deflating, on top of everything else too, to keep trying something different only to see that it ultimately changed nothing. The lashing out isn't even intended to "punish" her or "correct" her... it just builds up over time.
Your comments about the elderly are true. Very true. I'm in my 30's but my father passed away three years ago after a battle with cancer that tumbled into a fast moving case of Alzheimer's, and I helped support my dad and my mom through it. I'd show up to find my dad working on outlets in the house that were live. Only after he'd been shocked while I was standing there (and once before I arrived) did I realize he hadn't thrown the breaker for the electricity. He needed almost constant supervision in some form or fashion after a short time, and many days... yeah... that's exactly how I feel about my wife. Luckily my wife almost doesn't even have the capacity for anger. She's more of a crier when she is upset or hurt. I guess in that respect I should be thankful compared to some other marriages I've read about with ADD/ADHD partners.
It's mildly comforting to know I'm not the only one who goes through this rollercoaster of emotions about my spouse, but it kills me reading "success" stories that read almost like the non-ADHD should get a participation award because they sure as hell aren't coming in at first place. It's the constant struggle, the doubt, the uncertainty, and the inconsistency of efficacy surrounding counseling/coaching and pharmaceutical management for the disorder that adds to my feelings of hopelessness. I - so - damn - desperately - want that light at the end of the tunnel to even FLICKER at this point.
I consider myself a patient individual, but everyone has their limits and it always seems like no matter how well management/treatment is going for anyone that all it does is push the line back further. Am I always going to get pushed to my breaking point? I expect so. Detachment emotionally doesn't seem to be an answer for me either because where else will I get fulfillment in sharing feelings of love and passion? Just have an affair? Keep a girlfriend on the side? I consider all the danger that comes with that, and don't see it as an "out" either. I suppose if I were seeking a divorce then it wouldn't matter, but at this time I'm not. I've been cheated on in a relationship and wouldn't want to inflict that pain intentionally on someone either.
Luckily we haven't tried to have children yet... too focused on eliminating bills and student loan debt for her career that she has had to abandon. If that were a consideration I might not be so willing to stick it out either.
Hang in there, we'll both make it. Hopefully. =/
angry_dh
Submitted by c ur self on
Listening to you sounds a lot like me about a year ago...I was 51 when I married my wife, i was a widower she was in her mid-forties and had never been married. I new she kept a messy house and had a few insecurities from some past bad relationships but I was a pro at this right?, no problem, i would whip her into shape...(didn't really think that, but might as well had.) I had never experienced chronic add/I had no clue what was fixing to happen. She was independent, controlling, and many other things that are consistent w/ add...I on the other was a widower who lost my first wife w/ cancer. I made friends easily enough, and never was mean or got into fights. I was married to my high school sweet heart for 30 years, and could count on one hand our arguments. Which never came close to violence...But, saying that in 4.5 years with my present wife, we got in at least 4 or 5 shoving matches, where she would cuss me or worse and I would grab her shove her into a chair or couch, screaming at her she was crazy. And she would bite me or try to hit me...Thankfully I never hit her...Eventually we separated for 11 months and got counseling for 10 months, and are back together now, about 3 months...We are doing great now, considering our past and considering after 10 months of counseling she still barely wants to accept any responsibility for our troubles, typical add behavior. I notice you said your wife was more of a crier, be thankful for that:) mine told me very seriously she wanted to kill me a couple of times...I want type a bunch of depressing stuff here, but I will list the steps we went through for the recovery we have made.
1) Melissa's book "Adhd effects on marriage" ( which is a must read for anyone married to an adhd spouse, and for those w/adhd also.) It say's on page 35 that anger in the non-adhd partner must be dealt with, but its a response to specific add systems. Well, in my opinion she is right on...The first constructive thing I did during the separation was to read some books like Desperate marriage by Gary Chapman and Sacred Marriage by Gary Thompson...I could not believe anyone could be so unloving and disrespectful, that is suppose to be one with you and love you. So as I read Chapman's book and tried to focus on me that I was verbally abusive, not that she wasn't, but, I was trying to find peace for myself, be responsible for my own actions...which was very hard to do w/o blaming her...I walked around the house having conversations w/my self that was ridiculous. I was extremely bitter that this person had ruined my life! I would just start praying until I got peace. Finally, I was able to have peace, and once I got that counseling got easier, hearing her set and make false statements in counseling trying to cover herself wasn't so hard to take. Eventually I started having compassion on her. After all she was so subject to add behaviors, that seemed so totally blind to or at least in total denial about.
2) Once God had allowed me to see my-self (greatest gift I've ever received, other than the Lord Jesus Christ who saved me from my sins) I just went to counseling for her. Eventually i just told the counselor and my wife that I wouldn't be back, that I felt my wife had a decision to make concerning her future. And no man could do that for her.
3) She eventually came back slowly, and I just had no expectations. I am just trying to keep it simple and love her and live with her in an understanding manner. I knew with her are with out her I would follow Christ, and be at peace. So we have been together for a few months now. Add is still here, but I live aware of it. I do not try to fix her, I do not take on her responsibilities. We have barriers. I go to church and other places on time, if she is ready great if not I kiss her good bye, and save her a seat. She respects the barriers. As her husband and the head of the house I share my feeling with her concerning matters of business or family that effect us both. But, I try to never do it where she feels pressed or threated. We do better to address every thing face to face at the table with no distractions. Hollering form room to room or when someone is distracted is not wise with or without add present. She is a responsible adult, and if you don't believe it, ask her haha:). We do not mix our finances. I pay our bills, because she can't get rid of stuff, and a lot of her money goes for storage bills and she still has the house she had when we got married. its just a money pit. I help her with yards etc...but she knows my feelings about it. But, I respect her right to live like she wants, she works and it her reality to keep all this junk, so be it..it doesn't effect my love for her.
4) The more I realize where abundant life comes from it isn't our marriages the more I'm able to put my self in her shoes, and the more patients and love i have toward her. The more at peace she seems to have and the more she silently seems to be recognizing her behavior and effects of add on our marriage. She has been real sweet lately. If you asked her, she would say its because I've been sweet. Add will be part of lives, but it doesn't have to dominate us.
5) I'm coming to realize that our marriage may never look like a marriage not effected by adhd, but I am committed. I know if I keep my focus on Jesus, and just rest in him. I will be the husband she needs...So many adders have been so beat up, unintentionally a lot of the time, due to parents, boy/girl friends, and spouses just not understanding so their emotions overflow w/ frustration. We just can't understand how the mind of the person we love the most works so that frustrates us and gets dumped out on them. At this point many adders will get reclusive. They will change work shifts to dodge there mates. They will stay in the bed for hours...Adhd minds evidently need more rest than most of us. And we who do not experience that mind, want to judge it because, we want to save our lives.
Angry =dh
Submitted by Palmo14 on
I did it for twenty five years, I raised two sons alone, I was a horrible marriage. My kids did not have the mother that they deserved. I shoulder all of the household responsibility, all of my sons, schooling and extracurricular activities. I felt isolated and alone. I filed for divorce in 2014, both of my sons graduated from college. I am so much happier now and have my life back. The longer you stay , you will end up not liking your spouse at all. My ex wife never told me that she was ADHD, and we dated three years before marriage .
Let go.
Submitted by 3xthefun on
For yourself. Let go of and accept you cannot change her. Otherwise, move on. I see in your post hope. Don't. She will not change. She will get better for brief periods but her past behavior is a clear indication of her future behavior. This is NOT an easy road and you need to hear this now before you embark on a lifelong journey of trying to change her. All of the things you are bothered by will NEVER change. Ever. Counseling, medication (when she takes it...) and promises will be broken, forgotten, and dismissed. There will be moments, maybe even years, where you'll feel things are looking up, slowly moving in the right direction, and then something in the fabric of life will knock everything off track again. It might last a month, a year, or a decade, there is no telling and nothing you can do or say to change it. All hope will be destroyed again and again and again. She will never function like you or I and you need to be 1000% positive you're ok with it. You will need a cleaning service, laundry service, you'll need to order the groceries, do most of the cooking and appointments, bills, and finances otherwise you'll be broke, living in a van down by the river filled with chaos. It is not about HER. It is about YOU. What are YOU willing to put up with, pay for, and take care of because she will NEVER be able to live up to your expectations? What do you want out of this marriage? How much are you willing to go above and beyond your definition of fair? Do you understand things will never be 50/50 division of ANYTHING EVER? Are you ready for the strong likelihood your children will have ADHD? What would you do then? Well, welcome to my life. After 24yrs together, and having two teenage children with ADHD together, I'm still struggling to answer these questions for myself. We had no idea she had ADHD for the first 14yrs of our relationship. I always thought she was just lazy and sloppy. Through counseling she learned she had ADHD and taking medication was like a light switch. She cried and cried, trying to process all her feelings of guilt and shame throughout her life when she struggled. I was elated. Our children were toddlers at the time and I finally felt REAL hope we could be what my version of a happy and healthy family was. Unfortunately, such a late in life diagnosis creates additional layers of doubt, depression, shame, and anger. The immediate gratification of finding the problem and solving the cause, did not over time eliminate the effects. Life just got more complicated after that and several setbacks which happen in the course of everyone's life's, had a greater impact on hers, slowly the path to recovery. Then came the kids official ADHD diagnosis, which just caused more guilt and shame, rather than comfort knowing what the issue was and how to address it. Having an early diagnosis has given our children an open honest non shameful view of their ADHD, allowing them to recognize and deal with their condition, giving them all the support system and resources needed to manage their ADHD. They're doing great and are lovely little kids who I would never trade for the world, even with their ADHD. This has actually helped me greatly in separating the person from the condition.
So here we are. All seven of us I like to say. Four people, and three ADHD aliens living in and possessing my loved ones. I don't know what our future holds and I'm still learning and challenging my perceptions and conceptions about how much I can tolerate and what tolerance really means. If you aren't prepared for an unknown journey, get off the train now.