I have been diagnosed with ADHD since 2005. I have been through one marriage and I am within hours of my second wife walking out. I am in a hyper stressful job, issues with x wife, varying degrees of these issues I am trying to address: Poor persistence towards tasks/goals Failing to plan ahead or anticipate future consequences Poor time management Poor emotional self control Impulsive decision making Disorganization Problems keeping promises and commitments to others Difficulty keeping track of several things at once and seeing them to completion Inability to stop an ongoing enjoyable activity to shift to a more important or urgent task Depending on others for maintaining order or direction Underachievement in school or work Loss of jobs/impaired performance Unsatisfactory relationships Poor money management Trouble organizing household & raising my daughter I have been to marriage counseling, several therapists (though the latest one I have I have made the most progress). My second wife feels as if I deceived her. I told her very early on in our relationship that I had ADHD and was on medication for it. I am responsible for putting together all the shopping lists, bills to be paid, daily activity reports to review with her, managing my second home, doing most of the driving, doing most of the chores at the first home. I feel as if my second wife has just given up. I had anger issues my entire life (bad childhood) until about three months ago when I was able to let go. Since doing so my world has been upside down with sadness and pain. I see the damage I have caused but cannot begin to see my way out of it. I have a VERY demanding job in finance and can't even begin to pause to gather my thoughts, make a plan, and begin to execute. Something is really off and I am scared I will lose the people I care about most, my wife and daughter from my first marriage. My second wife calls me useless in front of my daughter and her nieces and it breaks my heart. My second wife tells me she wants me to change, won't make a list of what change means. My wife said she won't even have kids with me as she feels I am not a real man. WTF. I am losing hope fast, hopefully my therapist visit tomorrow can help. Any thoughts out there?
Losing hope, fast
Submitted by Reallyspent on 07/01/2013.
2nd wife does not understand/accept ADHD?
Submitted by sunlight on
It seems, purely from what you have described, that your second wife is piling on even though she knows you have ADHD. Does she understand what ADHD is and does she really accept that it is something that has to be managed and that it won't just disappear?
Regardless, to demean you in front of your daughter is not acceptable and she needs to know that.
Your first priority must be your daughter and her future, don't you think? It may turn out that you cannot do everything and have everything - nobody can, ADHD or not. To ensure your daughter's future and to be a parent to her, you must be able to keep your job. So, daughter #1 and job #2.
For context, I am non-ADHD female (2 kids) married to ADHD.
Edited to add:
".. lose the people I care about most, my wife and daughter from my first marriage..."
I'm sorry - I misread that as referring to the first wife and daughter, rather than "2nd wife and daughter from marriage 1". My mistake, so I edited a bit.
That's a lot
Submitted by ShelleyNW on
I'm very sorry you are going through this. I agree with Sunlight that your 2nd wife doesn't seem to grasp the reality of ADHD. Nor is belittling you appropriate. Has she read Orlov's book? You two might benefit from couples counseling as well as individual. The problem with stress is that it makes symptoms worse. I see how the job stress can't be avoided, but learn how to let it impact you less. Sleep is absurdly impt. Exercise. Cancel all unnecessary commitments. Consider hiring an ADHD coach. Remember, all you can do is work on yourself to be the man you want to be. Hopefully your wife will work with you but you can't control that. Best wishes.