Losing hope - where did my husband go?

It is my first time posting here and it is probably too late for my marriage of nearly 20 years. My husband was just diagnosed a few months back, and has taken it incredibly hard. He won't go to couples therapy, claiming it is too expensive, yet he just spent nearly $50,000 on a remodeling project we didn't agree to do. We had been working on the ADHD marriage home course, which he only agreed to after I threatened to leave. He listened to the first couple sessions with me, but never did the homework, and then just stopped showing up to the dates we set.

We've had our ups and downs, but have had a really good life. Things started going horrifically bad this summer. I guess it started when he became obsessed with a specific graphic video he found on-line, which he wanted me to re-create in the bedroom. He basically had no interest in sex aside from this very narrow and specific act (which I was not comfortable with) and would actually just turn off in the middle of love making when he knew it wouldn’t happen - he was so fixated on it. He would also complain that I always wanted an emotional connection during sex. He broke numerous bedroom dates, and got angry when I was upset he didn't show up. For example, I would come home for our date to find out he had gone out to meet a friend for a drink instead.

About six months ago he exploded after a failed bedroom date saying that we've never been compatible in life or in the bedroom, that we have nothing in common, and he should set me free. His parents are happier with their second marriages, the house next door might be for sale so maybe he could move there to be close to the kids, etc. It was devastating. Honestly, he doesn't carry his weight around the house and isn’t exactly a picnic – I pay the bills, shop, cook, handle taxes, insurance, yard work, household projects, everything, and I have been incredibly frustrated, but never thought about divorce.

The last six months have been a painful hell as he has continued to withdraw further. He just feels emotionally dead. I admit I probably am not warm and fuzzy myself - I feel awfully wounded and guarded. He is out more than he is home, usually 15+ hours a week in the evenings, frequently coming home at 2-3am, yet when he is home sleeps the day away. And we have two kids! I confronted him about three weeks ago, sure he was having an affair. He would be on his phone constantly when he's with me - even when we went on a rare date together, but never answers my calls when he's out. He doesn't wear his wedding ring, always has his phone with him, etc.  And has not shown an interest sex for over six months.

I realize I shouldn't have done it, but I saw his phone charging while he was in the shower a couple weeks ago and I looked - discovering he set up a separate e-mail account and was exchanging graphic e-mails and photos with someone. I confronted him and he has been incredibly angry with me. He says I violated his trust by snooping, that I have ruined our marriage. That it was nothing and only a problem because I know about it. He has shown no remorse, only anger directed at me. I did ask him some questions about how it came about. He said it just happened, there was an ad for a singles dating site and he just did a trial, no big deal. Really? He created a fake e-mail address, created a fake profile, and exchanged numerous emails through a singles dating site!  He took action, it didn’t just happen.

Now he says he’ll work on the chore inequality, but not the romantic, affectionate or sexual aspect of our relationship because that is too much for him. I feel like a single mom. It is incredibly lonely. I’ve asked him to leave, but he says he won’t do that to the kids and that I’m obviously not thinking about our children. He doesn’t see that they must feel the tension and see his angry outbursts, though we don’t fight together in front of them. I have moved thousands of miles away from my family to be near his, and he is bringing in our only income since I lost my job. I feel so devastated by the loss of our family, and utterly powerless to improve our marriage. I’ve downloaded the ADHD Marriage session, bought the book, made therapy appointments he won’t go to, tried to make dates, meet him on his terms, and he has done nothing. He’s just throwing it all away. I can’t eat or sleep, can barely function. I don’t know where the man I love went, but I don’t see him in the person I’m living with. Trying to keep up a front for his family, our neighbors, our kids is so incredibly painful. I have confided in my family that we are having serious problems, and when he found out my family had a hint that anything was wrong he blew up at me saying that I was making things worse. But I need their support. I am in agony.

Throughout it all it’s nice to know there is a group of people who may be going through similar situations. Just reading the posts of others on this board has helped me to feel just a little less crazy.