Losing it.

I'm 26 and the wife of a loving man who is unbelievably intuitive, smart, creative and has ADHD. He has helped me grow as a person so much but i feel like i cant even begin to help him. I dont understand the way he thinks and regardless of how much i read... how much i try to change my own actions and take over the things that annoy me when he cannot or will not do them... i am now faced with another problem that scares me more.

he's losing touch with himself. He feels so lost and as he puts it.. "i feel like i'm in a boat trying to navigate by the stars... and they are not out." he has talent that i have not seen matched by anyone around me in the field that we are in. He has the uncanny ability to diagnose and help others see what is wrong and what to do differently to get to where they want to be. He has all the typical reactions and behaviors of a person with ADHD including agreesion, blame, nonfocus, lack of respect for time, i mean... every forum discussed on this site sounds like him....etc... and now he is depressed. Like i've never seen. He's stopped working and i'm doing everything i can to keep us a float. He's going to school full time and doing much better than ever but it seems to be eating at him. Every time we've discussed a behavioral change i hear... I'll loose who i am.. it will do more harm than good... .. etc.. so i dont push... and of couse i'm paraphrasing extremely but its to the extent that i just stand back and do everything.

I'm now to a point where he is lost, late, has let his appearance (once coveted and worked so hard on - weightloss and grooming) go and cant find a way to join the living. He feels like he doesnt fit in the system of the world and that i'm the only one that understands... and while i do.. i cant change it. We cant afford doctors or meds. He's been diagnosed and was on meds for a while, he as usually focused on what the medication was doing and learned to do it on his own so he stopped them. that was over 2 years ago and i'm not even sure if its still in practice.. i dont really know what he did!

I'm at a loss and i'm really scared because the man that i married was proud, strong and so inlove with life and as i've grown through his insite... i've watched him deteriorate and i feel ashamed and guilty. He's said time and again that every time he had to help me, talk to me for 4 hours to make me see something... that i was killing him and that that was less strength he had for himself... and now he's really not here... I am florishing where i once floundered and without his help and guidence i would be lost where i was... but i cant seem to figure out how to help him... I dont even know how he helped me! and all i can think about is how he always said that the more i grew at the expense of his time and nurturing (fighting) the more he would fade... and now its happening...

I'm really at a loss and i've read every single forum on this site and a lot of books are floating around a lot of feedback and talk but no answers and thats what i need. I dont know what to do and when i do talk to him i get yelled at for not thinking aobut how he thinks... what he responds too.. etc... I have no way of changing him becuase that is in his hands but i feel so guilty because the path that i am on was paved by his guidence and now he has no path.

I have noone to talk to about this and i feel like my posting here is the only way i can get some help. I dont know what i'm asking but i'm watching him lose himself... and i dont know what to do.

I can imagine i'm going to get a lot of .. you guys should go to counseling... he should be on meds.. you shouldnt do so much.. yada yada and i'm open to all of it but there is no insurance, no money and if i dont do it.. it wont happen... and we'll be in a pigsty(which he'd be fine with) or on the street.

Any other ideas? Selena

(I'm sorry if this post is in some way inappropriate or not in the right forum... )


I feel for you

I'm new to this web site and this my first post.

It bothers me that nobody has responded to your post, so I'll try.

I too am married to a wonderful man from whom I've learned a great deal about getting along in life.  He's also good at seeing what's wrong in a situation and helping others get through their difficulties.  We've been married for 33 years.  He's never been diagnosed and so is untreated.  And, unfortunately, he has little insight into our situation.

Do you have a friend, family member, church, or sympathetic employer who might give you or loan you money to get a new prescription for your husband's ADD medication, or antidepressant medication?  Don't be too proud to ask anyone who might help, as your husband's depression may be life-threatening.  Many areas in the US have free medical clinics where you might be able to get a new prescription, either for ADD medicine or an antidepressant.  If you can't find one, contact the local Legal Services office or the state medical association to find a place where you can get help.  If you don't have a local mental health advocacy organization, search online for a national organization, where you may also be able to get a referral to a local doctor or clinic.  Some docs do provide free services to truly needy people.

If you can get some way of intervening chemically in this downhill slide, you may be able to find a way into a healthier situation once your husband is stabilized.

A helpful book on depression is Feeling Good,  by David Burns and Aaron Beck.  It's actually a tool for treating depression, and you should be able to get it through your local library.  The book will help your husband determine how severe his depression is, and will walk him through steps that will help him feel better fairly quickly.  However, it is important that he actually do the writing that the book suggests, or it won't be as effective.

I hope these suggestions are helpful  Good luck!