Loss of a soul mate

I have had ADHD for as long as I remember. I am 20 now almost 21, and I could never find the right woman. One day I found her, she was married and very unhappy. I helped her and in doing so fell in love with her. womans advice even called this man whom she was with a maniac. For nine months we have been in love, I wanted to grow old with her, she knew of my adhd and helped me with so much as I helped her too. Two days ago she told me she couldn't stop loving her old partner, that she wants to try again with him, even though her got another woman pregnant 1 week after she left, she said I have done no wrong, its her and she must do this. but I cant help the feeling she is just throwing our relationship away to try again. I am in peices, this was my love, soul mate and best friend. she said she may love me more but she has to go back to him to find out, because she has known him longer and he was her first love. but she don't want me to move on incase its just emotions and she goes down there and realizes she cant live with him, and wants to come back to me. That because she never properly broke up with him, she cant tell if it would have worked out and must find out. and in my adhd mind all I see is him hurting her or them getting intermit, and anger at how she could do this to me. as i type this I am shaking like a leaf. and want to give up on life. she was perfect, she knew how to deal with my adhd and loved me and I loved her like it would never end, and all the time she has been thinking of him, whom I protected her against, unsure how she feels. after getting the last of her things, and watching a movie called rent, some words in it tipped the scale and made her want to try. I could understand I i had done some wrong, but I never did, I cant bare the thought of being without her. I don't know if I should let her do this, go to him, so if it don't work out then she will return to me and be devoted. But if it did work out I would lose the only thing worth living for to me. anyone know what I should do as the adhd part of my brain is going insane

Living Through The Next Months

This sort of situation is very hard, and avoiding it is one of the reasons that people who are single often stay out of relationships with people who are married or just coming out of very difficult relationships. 

Let me address a few things that you write here after I first say that you need to get some support, particularly if you have any suicidal thoughts of any sort.  You will get through this, and you have no idea at this point how it will end.  You are in pieces, and family, friends or a counsellor can help you in your time of need.


Your girlfriend does need to finish up her relationship with her husband, and you need to give her the space to do so.  I suspect that she knows that you are upset, and it's okay to make sure she knows that, but you don't have the choice that you suggest you have when you say "I don't know if I should let her do this".  She may be perfect for you some day, but she isn't perfect for you as long as she has any doubts about whether she should be with this other man.  Let her figure it out, and trust that he's not going to change his behaviors much from before when she was so unhappy.  And now, there is the complication of the other child that will make their relationship even more strained.  Chances are not bad that she'll be unhappy again soon.

So tell your girlfriend that you love her and that you respect her enough to let her figure out what she needs.  If you're smart, you'll also tell her that you aren't going to wait around for her forever and that she can't just ask you to not move on.  She has to take responsibility for her actions in all ways - and going back to him has repercussions for your relationship that include an implicit okay for you to move on.  Or maybe she thinks that it should be okay to "have her cake and eat it, too"?  Look into your heart, but set limits.  It would not be reasonable for her to expect you to wait around until.....what....you die???!!!

Let me address some specific phrases you wrote:

"she never properly broke up with him, she can't tell if it would have worked out and must find out"  She's right.  She needs to finish - clearly finish - one relationship before she can commit herself to a different one (yours).

"and all the time she has been thinking of him, whom I protected her against, unsure how she feels."  If you have been protecting her against him, and that is the basis of your relationship, then yes, she was thinking about him...and so were you.  Again, the best response is to let her figure it out.  If you weren't actually "protecting her against him" and she didn't tell you that she was always thinking about him, then I wouldn't necessarily read into it that she was always thinking about him.  That would be selling yourself short.  Again, you need to wait and see.

If she comes back to you, I would advise you to start slowly with her.  She has given a real blow to your trust, and she will need to earn it back.  Don't let your desire to have someone who "gets" your ADHD overshadow your ability to pick out someone who will love you well.  Make sure she is really, truly, finished next time.  In my mind that includes divorce papers and a bit of a cooling down period before you start again.  (Ah, I know, but you are young and impulsive, and that advice sounds so...stodgy!!!)

Hang in there.  You'll get through this, painful as it is.

Melissa Orlov

Hello Chris, how awful this

Hello Chris, how awful this story is. I know how obsessed you are right now, I have ADHD too. And, I've been in your same situation. Something tells me that, if you take a hard look to your time with her, you'll find a glitch in the matrix. There always is one in this cases. I got dumped by my husband for his former gf, can you believe it, not nearly as good looking as me and not nearly as brilliant as I am. But, he loved her, not me. I too thought he was perfect because he could understand me (and my ADHD) so well... but in hindsight I think he was so good with me because he wasn't emotionally invested with me as he should've. So, Chris, as hard as it is, try to remember this. True love doesn't dump you, especially for an abuser. Your (ex)gf has some soul searching to do ***even if*** she gets back with you. Needing to go back to an abuser means she isn't exactly mature in her judgments, and you don't want her to come to you and devastate your life again. I know it's hard to believe it right now, but you'll grow out of your obsession, and you'll find true love... the one that doesn't ask you to be a different person than you are, the one that doesn't violate your boundaries. I wish you all the best!