Lost and Alone

Hi. I'm new here.

I've been reading through some posts and I can see so many similarities with my situation. My head is mashed with everything I'm dealing with so I've probably left out a lot of details. 

My wife's behaviour has changed so much recently and I dont know what to do. Shes identified to me that she thinks she might have ADHD. All the signs are there, but she will not have a talk with her Dr because she says they cannot give her anything to fix it and it will effect her having the kids if anything was to happen in our marriage. 

She has always switched from extremely loving to a nightmare with mood swings in all the time I have known her. A few months ago I noticed her mood shift to becoming more distant. I offered natural spousal support and it was accepted sometimes, but also pushed away on others and seen as fussing. Things came to a head when, just before a big anniversary, she started to open up about her feelings for someone else at work. Her timing was impeccable, and knocked me down low. I was told nothing physical had happened, just a lot of flirting that had got sexual in context. I believe my wife. She has never lied to me. She was conflicted about what to do as her guilt was building fast and she told me she was unhappy with us. I struggled with this but showed empathy at the situation as she had explained what has actually been happening. After some time of reflection, I forgave my wife and she promised to get some help with her moods swings as she called them. She didn't, and kept putting this off. 

We rebuilt our relationship following my forgiveness and moved on. But, I could see things getting difficult for her again. She considered every question to be  nag and it became my fault that I was hurting because I had nagged too much. Then she would switch to trying really hard to save us and build us back up. Researching ADHD to find out if this is why she was feeling like she was. It had clicked with me that this is the same reason we got together in the first place. In very much the same way, but it almost as if she had forgotten that. Alot of the main adhd markets seem to fit the bill. 

We were going so well. Then a massive arguement. She called me from work feeling low due to another medical condition. Caught off guard, I responded that everything was fine, but we would have to make some re arrangements for the morning. I was told that my tone was off and to just forget it. When i got home I tried to explain  that my tone was not off at all, more so that I was just tired and worried about her. However, every part of me talking was seen as a nag or negative and as such i was ignored to the point I got angry and shouted just to get my voice heard. From that point  onwards, despite me apologising for shouting straight away, my wife has closed down our relationship. We have agreed recently to work through things for our kids but everything is too tense. 

She still wants a sexual relationship but is talking time over the emotional connections. One minute, very frosty another no so bad. She is then hyper focusing on tasks like clearing her floordrobe which makes her feel good. We discuss decorating projects in the house and she is buzzing for a day or two, then it trails off because it hasn't been done there and then. Yesterday I came home to a loving wife, hugging and kissing, but avoiding the words I love you. Today, I was told that I was being difficult and snapped at all evening. I just cant win. It has always been that she has to be right, winning an arguement is a key point for her. Now I just feel so disconnected and alone. I have given her empathy and support as she has now said that I am always down on her. I have strongly denied this, although not in argument as I have always supported her to the max. 

It's now midnight an I cannot sleep because we have had a row. She wont discuss because she is right and I'm wrong. I love her so much and I'm trying so hard to rebuild our marriage for us and the kids. I think we can , but getting her to talk openly without conflict is very difficult.

Has anyone had this with your ADHD spouse and how did you start to break the barriers and work to a  better understanding?