I don't know where to start. Maybe I am hoping that my husband will stumble upon this and read it and a light bulb will go off.
I have read many of your posts and am convinced that there is something wrong with my DH. I think ADHD describes him, but yet I also see a little bit of narcissism as well. Unfortunately this is all undiagnosed as it is clearly "my issue that is affecting the marriage". My husband refuses to believe anything is wrong with him and I am so lost. We have been together for nine years and married for seven. We share kids from previous relationships, but have none of our own.
A little background about my husband is that he has very strained relationships with most people in his life, yet it has always been someone else's fault because he is never wrong. He believes that once everyone gets on board with that the world will be a better place. So all of you free thinking women who want to stand up for themselves are just stupid and crazy in his eyes. His parents tossed him out when he was 14 and he spent the majority of his childhood involved in bouncing around, petty crimes, etc. When he was 21 he hit and killed a woman who was in the middle of the road. Technically it wasn't his fault, though he didn't have insurance so he shall pay dearly the rest of his life. This has affected most of what goes on in his decision making. He believes that he has and holds a "stable job" for me and the kids. It's like he doesn't feel the need to grow up and have responsibilities on his own accord.
On the eve of our wedding we had a huge fight . It was actually just him screaming at me for some unknown reason. I should have known right from the start. He is the type of person who is either very excited and happy (singing and being silly around the house), drawing attention towards himself or he is a force to be reckoned with. He has never physically hurt me though he has threatened me several times. The kids are scared of him when he is like this and I am just ...tired. I am not scared because I think he is weak. I want to help him. When we argue it will escalate very quickly to the point where he will say "I'm not responsible for what happens when you push me too far". He has almost no self control as well. We don't go for family dinners and have a glass of wine. We go for dinners and he has three beers. Then a six pack at home. He is far more aggressive when he drinks. He has actually refused to go places with me if there will not be alcohol there. He refuses to go places in general, such as my work Christmas party because he thinks they are all "idiots and wetback weak minded c*nts". And the language is pretty typical. At my sister's wedding I missed the first dance because he got drunk and started an altercation with my father, so I had to take my husband out of there. He left me and I spent the night alone.
Throughout the years situation like this have happened over and over. At the start he kept saying that he would try to be better, be less mad, etc. Now I have lost quite a bit of weight since we got married whereas he has put at least 50lbs on. He works a 9-5 shift and does the cooking for the kids. That's it. He forces the kids (teenagers) to do the chores. I get home from the gym and walk the dog, do the laundry, run errands, etc. He sits in front of the TV until bedtime in which he commands to me "should I come to bed because you haven't sucked my d*ck in weeks". That's the sweet romantic side. Nothing is below him in what he says. I have been called every name in the book. And we fight like this in front of the kids.
We had previously split in 2007 due to the fact that his drinking and staying away from home had become too much for me. His best friend had died and he suck into a depression. After eight months we got back together because I was stupid enough to believe things were different. Then it started again and has gotten progressively worse. He used to get mad at me because I didn't want to get "sh*tfaced with him" (I'm not a big drinker). Now he just does it on his own. He can polish off a case of beer NO PROBLEM. He goes out and drinks and stays at his friends house. He justifies it because we have had a fight and thought we were over. Last year I told him we needed to see a counselor. He stated that only "Weak idiots see doctors and that he wasn't wasting his money. You are going to have to pay for it yourself!!" Six months later I tried again and he said that nothing was wrong with him, "I was the crazy one who needed medication so maybe I should consider checking myself into a mental institution!".
Yesterday his cell phone was acting up so he suggested that we go look at getting it fixed. He went off at the poor kid in the store for about a half an hour and pretty much threatened him and all of the employees. He said it was worth taking an assault charge. We left (of course I am always embarrassed) and went home and a fight with us started. he told me that I was getting all "c*nt eyed on him" and I forced him to get his phone fixed????????? After all of these years I am so used to the crazy making, gaslighting, blame twisting that I pretty much block it out. Then he said to me "YOU HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE OUR MARRIAGE BETTER BECAUSE YOU DON'T WORK AT IT".
Needless to say a light went off in my head. No matter what I do or say it will always be butting heads with him. He is my best friend but I refuse to let him treat me this way anymore. I am so sad that he feels that he can do so much better than me. I am a good wife and a great mother. I cannot change him. I tried to make boundaries for myself so that I wouldn't allow him to manipulate me or walk all over me, but he doesn't respect them. I told him this morning that I am not willing to accept this any longer and we need help. He said that I am the one with the problem and he refuses to take medication or see a therapist. I guess he has made my decision for me. I feel so broken and worthless.