Lost and confused

Hi I am new to this site and this is my first time ever writing on a forum of any kind. I have to say this site has been a godsend to me in understanding my life. Sometimes I am reading and I feel like someone is looking in my window because this is my life.

My husband and i met when we were in high school. We have been together for 13 years and married for 5 of those years. We do not have children, only our furry babies. During this time we have definitely had our highs and lows. His unpredictability, compulsive actions and inability of filter what he says have caused more heartache for both of us than I can even say. Not to mention the issues with school, work and money we have gone through. He was diagnosed in college with ADD. When he was diagnosed he was prescribed Wellbutrin and he took this for a while and I could see his personality changing and he was become violent. My husband is the sweetest most caring person I have ever met and this was extremely uncharacteristic of him so he stopped taking the medcine and because of money issues he never went back to the doctor for a different treatment plan. Throughout of relationship he has told me that he doesn't think the same way as me, or I just don't understand him and I would be lying if I said that I didn't downplay the role ADD had on him and played in our relationship. But looking back he is a poster child for Adult ADD and I never took the time to understand and ultimately this has led to where we are today. During the course of our relationship, I have been the fixer, the cleaner upper, essentially his conscience, his mother, and over time we have both become resentful towards each other and the situation we are in. I have a high strong personality and like to be in control. In the begin this relationship fed that but now it is to the point that I don’t know myself. He would do something or not do something and I would blow up and say things I didn’t truly mean to him because of my frustration and never truly realized how much I hurt him. I always regretted the things i said and would apologize but it was too late they were already out there. I would try in arguments to breathe and calm down but it never worked.  I would clean up after him in social situations when he said something without thinking. I would treat him like a child in stores because he was too busy paying attention to other things. We worked for the same company for several years and when things would go bad I would even attempt to clean up for him there, I did this for 7 years until he went to a different company.

So here is where things boiled over…2 weeks ago out of the blue I came home from work and found that my husband had packed up and left me. At the time I had no idea why or where he had gone. I contacted the police and they issued a missing persons for him. After the police left, I started to piece together what had happened. My husband, the love of my life, had met a woman online and decided to leave me and fly to across the country to start over. He drained our bank accounts and left. I spent the entire night reaching out to make sure he was safe. The next morning he called and said he had made a huge mistake and wanted to come home and work things out. He flew home that same day and I came face to face with the denial I had been in. The day after he came home he began to open up about what was going on in his head. He had never told me anything. He said he didn’t want to hurt me and he left without even a note because he couldn’t stand to even think about how I would react to our life falling apart. Looking back now we weren't happy, I "thought" we were but we were but I was just existing but not connnecting with him anymore. I love my husband. But he had literally blown up our life. He almost lost his job because he left and never went back to lunch,  luckily they were understanding and are giving him another chance. 

We are starting counseling both individually and together but I am struggling everyday. I don’t even know where to begin though, I don’t trust him. I am a successful and strong person and I know I should be worrying more about myself and less about him but it's like a hole I keeping falling into. I know ADD doesn’t excuse his actions but I believe it was a huge part of the reason things got as bad as they did. I find myself apologizing for everything for the situation we are in, for the things that happened in the past, It just falls out of my mouth. I am pushing down my emotions because I don’t want to upset him. I don’t know what I need, I live minute to minute because I am so afraid the bottom is going to fall out again. I ask him to tell me what he is thinking but he doesn't know what to say. He told me to tell him what to say so he says what I want to hear...If I wanted a parrot I would get a bird! He just keeps saying I am sorry and I love you. He says he doesn't know what else to say. I look at him and i want to shake him. He will answer any question about the situation that I want to know, but ask him what he is feeling now and he clams up. I can tell he is hurting too but I need him to reassure me. I want him to take care of me, I want him to want to make it up to me but sometimes it feels like he doesn't even care.

Anyway thank you all for sharing your stories both good and bad, it is helping me understand that i am not alone and is giving home to get through this fog. Any advice you may have that can help me are truly appreciated!