Lost and confused with my marriage

I'm not even sure where to start with this post.  My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years and he has moved out of home.  We also have two great children and everyone is so hurt and confused by his actions.  He has always had the classic ADHD symptoms and never has done anything about it.  Our relationship has intense at first, we were engaged in 7 months and married in a year and half.  We also have our first child by our second anniversary.  He always drank, but I never realized how bad it was.  We moved back to my hometown area and he was determined to make a name for himself.  He didn't want to be known as my husband or my dad's son-in-law.  He joined the  volunteer Fire Department and start doing some training and then he joined the volunteer ambulance service and became an EMT.  In the mean time we had our second child.  Between volunteering his time, both of us working full time and two children,  coaching sports, life was crazy, but I that was always the life I had envisioned for us.  He started taking on more tasks and spending less time at home, it seemed doing everything else for everyone else was more important than our family.  I started spending so much time with my family, because I didn't want to have to stay home all the time while is was on call and he didn't seem to care.  During all of this he quit drinking on his own and took up running/working out.  It has become extreme.

He had a chance to become a full-time EMT in our hometown, we all thought it would be great.  He would be home to help out around the house/help with the kids and be home at night.  It started out that way but then we would have to go on every call even when he wasn't on call.  This job has a lot of down time, he is basically on call for 60 hours a week and has a few other things to do for work except wait for the pager to go off.  He went back to school to become a Paramedic.  Which meant two nights a week for 18 months of classes with an hour drive there and back.  Of course clinical hours were crazy also because he had to go to a bigger city to do all of hours.  I basically picked up all the work at home, including working a fulltime and part time job, two children while he was on call for this job 60 hours a week and school.  Also during this time he quit doing things around the house.  He might start laundry/cook supper/unload the dishwasher but he wouldn't do anything of the things that needed done.  I let it go because he was so busy.

During this time he decided he was going to train for a half-marathon.  He finished school, passed all of this tests and became a paramedic.  I was so proud of him and myself for actually making it through it.  It was a long haul but I knew there was an end in sight, so you stick it out. 

He started getting up and training on Saturday mornings for the half marathon and come to find out this whole time he was working out he had a work out partner and she was training for this half marathon also.  This lady also has two daughters like us and her youngest is the same age as our oldest child.    He neglected to tell me this information and I finally figured it out and asked him about it.  He said there were only training together and nothing has happened.  I then found a bunch of text messages on this phone.  Including him asking her one day if she would like to play hooky from work and go for a 10 mile run.  We discussed and he said after the half marathon was over the would not be training together anymore.  During this time we would see them a school functions and you can see how he was happy to see them.

Then week of the half marathon came, I of course was questioning everything.  I had a funeral to go to that day, but I got up and my mom, my children and I went to the half-marathon.  I was going to watch him make this first lap then I was going to leave for the funeral and my mom was going to keep the kids and watch him finish.  We waited and waited and I was getting scared because he should have gone by.  I then noticed him down the street walking.  He had an asthma attack and couldn't finish this race.  I went to talk to him and her kids were sitting there.  They made him cookies and he basically turned and talked to them and ignored me and our children.  Of course we got into an argument and he was going to let me leave.  I ended up leaving and going to the funeral.  When I got home, we had a big fight because he admitted to having feelings for this other person.  I decided to go stay with my parents for the night and he could spend time with the kids.  I couldn't stay away because I do everything with our children because he is always busy doing other things.  I came back home that night, we got into a huge fight.  The next day he left and was going to go stay with a friend.  I called this sister and he was so upset and came down to talk to him.  His family has a long track record of divorces, including this both of his parents twice, grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins.  After his sister talked to him, se came over and told me she didn't think he was ever going to come back.  After she left, he asked to come over and then said he wanted to come home and work on things.  So he moved back in, he wasn't even gong for 9 hours.  My only request was for him to not talk to her.

We had set up a meeting with a counselor before all of this happened.  My husband had gone to this counselor last year to deal with some of this issues with drinking in the past and how he was feeling.  We went to our first counseling and basically that Rob need to find clarity and he mentioned that he was questioning our marriage at his last appointment.  He quit going to the counselor because he got so busy with school.  He stated he couldn't figure out when things went wrong and it wasn't anything I had done wrong.  Life went back to normal because we were busy with softball/coaching/life in general.  Our second counseling session got canceled.  In the meantime I found an email from her in response to an email he had sent and it stated they wanted to be together.  I confronted him, he said he wanted a out.  So the girls and I packed up and went to my parents house to stay.  A couple of days later I decided to move back home with the girls and he left and went to stay with a friend. 

We decided to continue counseling.  We went to counseling and the counselor decided we shouldn't take for 2 days and then we should met and discuss things.  The counselor asked if we had an agreement on not talking to the other women.  We didn't but my husband said it would be a good idea for him not to talk to her.  That week we met and discussed things twice and only for two hours at a time.  During this week, I talked to his co-worked and she stated that he as ADHD and he is not willing to face it and get help.  I started doing more research on ADHD and it sounded exactly what was going on with our marriage.  I got the ADHD Affect on Marriage book and I couldn't believe how that book described my life.  The section on how each spouse feels during a marriage crisis was dead on. 

I decided to confront him about it when he brought the girls back home.  I said I had something to bring up and paused and he said no, I don't have a girlfriend.  I asked if he had been talking to her and he said some, and I said our agreement from counseling was he agreed not to talk to her.  He said that he thought the agreement was to not talk to her when he wasn't talking to me.  I was mad but I brought up the ADHD and he said I know that I have it and I said maybe you need to find different ways to cope with it.  Then is pager went off an he left.  Later that night, he sent me a text that stated he understands talking to her complicates what we are working on. 

He had an housing change and moved out into the country to house sit for some people.  He moved out there the next day and that night my aunt was leaving my house and the other women was leaving her house (she lives two blocks from me and I can see her house from my front yard) so she followed her.  She drove straight to his new place and pulled into the garage.  My aunt called my parents and they confronted him and things went bad from there. A lot of hurtful things were said between him and my parents.  My parents have watched/helped me deal with the craziness of the last 12 years.

My parents came to town to get me and my husband and I went to talk.  He said I don't know how we come back from this.  I told him that he needed to decide that things were over between him and her and come home and work on things.  After about 3 hours, he decided it was over and wanted out for good.

The next week we talked and I gave him the book to read and told him that I wished I had found this book earlier or had said more about the ADHD sooner.  Of course, he said he would read the book but his ADHD gets in the way and he can't.

He finally went to our family doctor and they put him on Ritalin.  During this whole time, I have become a crazy person and don't know what to do with myself.  I was hoping that if he got help for ADHD then there would be hope for us.  Of course, our children know everything that is going on even about the other women.  My 10 year old asked me before everything happened and if Dad had feelings for this other women.  My kids are so mad at him and they hate this other women and her children.  My 6 year old has made up a song about it. 

He is looking for a different job because he will need health insurance because he is on mine and of course we are in debt.  He is making all this crazy decisions and my whole family feels like he has became a totally different person since March.  Of course we live in a small town and everyone knows about what has happened, everyone is shocked by his behavior including me.  I feel like he has turned into a totally new person.  Of course we are trying to keep things ok for the kids, but he acts like I should just suck it up and be ok with everything because this is want he wants.  He thinks we should just still remain friends.  I told him maybe in a few years but not now.  He has admitted he is still spending time with her.  This new job I think he is taking has a crazy schedule.  Basically he going to work 72 hours straight every other weekend, work part-time at this current job plus another part-time job and then have the kids the other weekends.  I feel like he is going to crash and burn and I don't know how to stand by and watch.

I have no idea how to move on.  I feel like there is something else going on with him besides the ADHD, but at this point I can't do anything else.  I'm not sure if once the Ritalin kicks in, maybe he will realize what he is giving up.  I'm so mad at him and things he has done, I can barely look at him because it hurts so bad.  I love him so much, but I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading this.  I think it is just helping typing all of this up and makes me feel a little better. 

Tired old man's picture

Thank you for sharing!

  Your story breaks my heart, too, and I appreciate your telling us.  I, too, wish I had some sage like advice, but I also offer my heartfelt hugs.

  My wife was diagnosed a year and half ago, but I'd recognized her behaviors as non healthy for years before that.  Her deep depressive symptoms prevented me from identifying the specific ADD symptoms, but now that we all have a clear idea of her condition, life isn't really much easier.  What especially breaks my heart is what happens to our children in all of this. As adults, we have some control over our individual lives, but our children are completely vulnerable to the ADD condition.  For you and your children's sake, I ask you to keep sharing and, well, yes, venting.  I've learned it all needs to come out.  There are some very strong and wise people in this forum who can offer great inspiration.  Keep seeking, and you will find.

  Maybe this can help in the short term......remember, you are not alone.

-Sincerely,

   Tired Old Man (T.O.M.)

 

 

 

 

I'm soooo sorry...

My heart goes out to you ...hang in there.My keyboard is giving trouble when i have it fixed i will give you an insight on my story.....takecare until...

from:lovehurts.