Lost and confused with my situation

I can't cry another day. My spouse has acknowledged ADHD. He uses it for every excuse why he responds, reacts or behaves. I am very sick . Sex has never been pain free for me , ever, due to bladder disease. Lately it has hurts worst and I went to doctors. Same day I did this my tooth chipped. This is how it today went...I told my dh (dear husband)that my tooth chipped. He said"great, doesn't instill much faith in your dentist.  On way to doc office, I grabbed the mail on the way out of house to read in car enroute. My dh says" why are so damn obsessed about the damn mail, it drives me crazy". Then we got to doctors and I had to go into detail about our lousy painful sexlife. I have some kind of infection (note I have lupus, I am walking petri dish in the waiting) and I am in peri menopause. No wonder sex hurt. Procedure was really painful. I tell him and he says quote" what do you want me to do, hold your hand?". I said I want you show empathy. I asked him to clarify what he heard and in a sarcastic monotone voice said I heard you. When I asked him to clarify in his own words . He, in the same sarcastic robot voice repeated what I said. Then he screams we have had a shitty sex life for years , why did I want to fix it now. I have always wanted to fix it , just to embarrassed and over the years sad to do anything about it. I also just had my bladder removed and trying to deal with all that entails.. Once he said that all hell broke out. He recites the parts in the book that I am doing wrong but won't look within. I said re the mail or anything that makes you mad. If I know it annoys him, then I wouldn't do it. Your assumptions that I am obsessed and trying to drive crazy. I like peace and that's what's I am striving to fine. He started screaming about how things are all in my head and a handful of awfully mean comments. I said I might make you angry because I haven't found an appropriate communication technique that works but I never say one hurtful thing to you.there is no excuse for you hurting me & using my fears against me as ammunition. I don't hate ADHD, I hate that he is making a choice to continue to hurt me. Asking him to read the book with me is getting old. I tell him things to evoke empathy and all it dies it makes him madder . My idea of empathy is " I am sorry your tooth broke, I know you hate dentists" or "that must really been unpleasant having that exam today are you ok?". That's all the empathy I was looking for. Now between being  very sick, having a sick daughter ( heart disease and other issues) living off my disability pension and a shorten life span, I need a break. The fact I am a Social Worker isn't helping because he assumes Should have cured us by now, lol

i am stupid

Tomorrow is the big chemo day and my dh booked a training day and didnt write it in or tell me about it. I cant take myself to chemo.  He got so mean.  He questioned my health ( was i really as sick as I said i am? No body tells him everything that is wrong with me ( because he isnt there), I even said " thank you for staying home to take care of child, my mom was with me the whole time. so they told her instead", He screamed that i was laying guilt trip after guilt trip, he hates the way i behave, if i was so sick then how did i have the energy to fight with him ( that physically hurt inside when he said that). Then said he wouldnt get a job after all, its MY fault because i spend too much money.  Ok back up. We have only ever lived off my income.  Its never been enough.  I have always wanted him to work, i just got tired of figuring out a way to get him to get a job and keep one. So i have tried to keep us afloat alll these years.  He expected after all said and done to drive myself to chemo and take care of myself all day afterwards. I am shaking i hurt so bad inside. This man hates me  PB, you are right, he is an ass

I'm so sorry to hear all of

I'm so sorry to hear all of this. My heart just breaks for you. I don't usually advise divorce (I don't really believe in it), but in your case, geez, I don't know. I generally only advocate divorce when physical abuse is present or uncontrolled addictions or persistent infidelity. Personally, I think more is at play with your husband than just ADHD. There is usually a secondary mental disorder at play and his lack of empathy would be a key sign to that. He could possibly be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which actually can mimic some of the traits of ADHD.

Can you move out temporarily? You're going through chemo and you ABSOLUTELY need someone who can care for you. You mentioned your mother went with you; is it possible for you to move in with her? You don't need to go through this alone and it's clear that your husband is unable to support you. Get through chemo first and then deal with him. You need to focus on YOU.

Best of luck. I'll be praying for you.