Lost, Angry, Lonely & Enabler

I read this site alot. Recently, things keep swinging wildly for my DH and i between great/silent (silence is better for us at this point, at least it means we arent fighting/treating the other poorly) and bickering/fighting. 

So we've been married for 7yrs. He says he was diagnosed with ADHD while in the Army. He said he tried medications but hated how they made him feel 'slow' and 'sluggish' and 'stupid'. He also has severe childhood issues with his mother. At first, he would not celebrate anything - holidays, birthdays etc. Not just "i forgot" but rigidly against them.  I've now got him enjoying the week long "birthday-fest" that always encompasses his bday. We did nothing for mine. We did a 'bday dinner' the night before, and i never heard a peep about it again. I am used to no gifts. I havent received a gift from him since last year when he strong armed me into getting a new car i had been looking at for a while (the reason i didnt want it was because of the financial strain potential, which he didnt get and berated me until i finally agreed to get it). Prior to that, he bought me a camera after we suffered a miscarriage a few years prior. He only bought the camera cause his boss was selling it, and in the end it would make him look better and give him more face time with the boss. Thats it. Thats fine. i've learned to expect nothing. My expectations are so low, i feel like i am literally beginning to fall apart. He spends and spends our money. I control the finances but when hes constantly asking for stuff, wont take No for an answer without a 'good' reason why and is the sole bread earner it makes it hard to tell him no without it turning into a fight. I got a part time job at a local drugstore, but so far every penny of each paycheck has gone to his current big project. 

A few months ago, we got into a fight. We had made plans to go to a car event. We were talking about it, and on the way home from picking him up at work we decide to call our friend to see what the plans for the evening looked like. While waiting for him to answer, we talked about the event and he made mention of how excited he was to go with me. Our friend picked up, and the second sentence from their mouth was "wanna make it a guys night?". The DH said yes without hesitation. They finished their call and hung up. He said its gonna be a guys night, and if thats OK. I told him that i had wanted to go too, but its fine. He then told me "well i have never been there before".My response was that i hadn't either. Then i could see his own disappointment in his eyes. He said "I didnt know that. Now i feel like an ass". The night progressed, with me continuing to be excluded from every other plan, including dinner until i had finally had enough and pitched a fit (ugh PMS does NOT help me keep an even keel). He could not get through his head that i was fine with them going without me, but that i would like to at least be included in the food plans. Our friend, who was there witnessing this, even said this solution a few times, which i agreed to every time. DH just wasnt hearing any of it. Finally the friend got mad cause the solution had already been attained but we were still argueing. Long story short, the night ended with the fight continuing after he got home from the event and DH saying we are getting a divorce and he would be out by morning. Next morning i got up, sad but already to terms with this and went over to our friends house. Later in the day i got a call him DH, asking where i was, and what i had told them about us and telling me to come home. Once home, i was berated for more hours about not fighting for us. He then presented his ultimatum that the next time i screw up this bad, there will be no "long talk" where he gives in and we make up. About a month later, i talked to my therapist about this, and we starting working on the idea (i have a reading list now i am working on slowly) that i have Codependence, and that he's not just ADHD, but may also have Narcissism or Anti-Social due to his lack of regard and empathy for other people. 

Now i sit in a state of numbness and despair. The job becoming the one thing i look forward to. The time when i can feel like a worthy human being again. Where i am part of a team and not alone. At least, until last week when i was covering for a lunch break and we (I) were robbed by a man w/ a gun. No one was hurt, but since then i've been on leave from work and internally a manic basketcase. He's also been working 12hrs days, my normal therapist is out on vacation until the 10th, and every councilor the insurance company gives me for the incident either has no opening for 3+weeks, or isnt accepting new patients. I feel completely and utterly alone. I dare not say anything to him, as we have already fought about it, and he made it clear that he didnt want to hear about it by minimizing it in the car on the way home immediately after. Understanding my codependence is helping me a bit, but more in the dissociation and ignorance aspect. I want to be happy. It just seems like the more i understand my problems, the more i realize that i've been burying my head in the sand for 7yrs now. Talking to him is off the table. If he doesnt like what i say, or how i say it he will get agitated - hes significantly better at communication then I am. It will just turn into him berating what i am trying to say or telling me that i am just flat out wrong about the way i feel. 

Communication Skills

I am so sorry you were robbed, then got no validation from your husband, as well as all the rest.  It seems like most of what you described can be attributed to the really poor communication styles of ADHD people, exacerbated by our reactions to their symptoms. 

Friday I was reading a blog post of Melissa's about communicating and validation and how we often respond in dismissive ways to our spouses so they feel like we think they are stupid or unreasonable.  It seems like your husband is doing this too.  It was a good post, you might look for it, there was a good discussion in the comments. 

Also, when your husband is on one of his rants, it's important to remind yourself that the ranting is coming from the ADHD symptom and it's not really about you, even if you are the subject of the ranting.  There is no reasoning with a symptom.  The best thing is to walk away and say that you would be happy to discuss the issues at a time when you both can be calm about it.  Schedule a time.  You don't want to dismiss his concerns but there is not way to argue with symptoms.  This can not be over-stated.

Also, the post isn't clear on whether your husband is receiving treatment.  Clearly his ADHD symptoms are not being managed well.  Medication and counseling can be very beneficial.  In the meantime take care of yourself.  Sometimes employers have counseling hotlines you might be able to access.  Get some exercise, meditation, try to find a way to relieve the stress.  Best wishes.