Until recently I thought I had developed the proper skills to cope with my ADHD. The reality is that I have not.
I am now living in my own apartment, away from my wife, and consuming any and all information I can find on ADHD, and marriage. I picked up the book last night (an adventure in and of itself, 4 book stores later). I have read it cover to cover once, and am on my second pass. During this time I find that I am asking myself the same question over and over: "What right do I have to subject my non-ADHD wife to the life I have been?"
Is it fair to her for me to put her through my learning curve? Its a lot to ask, and I can't help but think that the equation is much simpler without my contributions.
I am in counseling, on the meds, trying everything I can think of and read about to mitigate my negatives; but is it enough? All the resources elude to benefits of ADHD, but I can't seem to see the forest for the trees. I'm locked in this cycle of seeing my shortcomings and the impact it has on those around me. I can't ask my wife to work this out if I am not sure that at the end of the day the negatives can be counteracted, or that my positives make a difference.
I'm not even sure I can keep this level of effort up, or if I am hyper-focusing in a burst. I'm sure my wife shares the same concern. I know she is worth the effort and energy it would take to be the husband that she deserves. I don't know if I can achieve this before its too late, if at all. This fear is crippling. I can't continue as I have been, and there is no way I can know if I can figure this out at all. There will always be a kernel of doubt.
The weight of my constant failure is unbearable. I know I can't be messing up as much as I think I am, if I was I would not have had the same job for seven years, or be working on the intensive long term side project like I have, or married. Everyone my whole life has told me how smart I am, but with the added 'just no up to your potential.' It makes you wonder if you are even capable of meeting your potential at all.
I know I need to speak with her about how she feels about this challenge, but I don't think that its fair to want her to stay through this. I don't want a failed marriage to be the latest and greatest in the casualty report of my ongoing battle with ADHD. At the same time my wife deserves to be happy and relaxed.
I'm lost, my self confidence is shattered, up is down, and it hurts. A lot.