Lost it!

Holy cow, what a night I've had!  I have been dealing with a husband who has all the classic signs of ADHD (coupled with co-dependency issues - great combination!) and we've had a rocky relationship for most of the 4 years that we've been together.  At first I thought it was mainly due to our disagreements about how he treated me when it came to situations with his kids from his first marriage, but I'm seeing now that a lot of his behavior is consistent with someone with ADHD.  Anyway...we've had a really rough road of it since we got married 2 years ago and he has done some truly unforgivable things, so much so that I've wanted to leave on several occasions.  We now have an 8 month old son, which complicates matters even further.  After the last heinous offense on his part (I think it was heinous, but of course he see's nothing wrong with it and shows no remorse for hurting me, yet again), I told him I'd give him one more chance if he agreed to get tested for ADHD.  In the meantime, I've been reading the book Is It You, Me or Adult A.D.D.?  It took him over two months to finally schedule the test and go take it, and we're supposed to go on 10/27 to get the results.

Well, I've been feeling hurt, lonely, isolated and disappointed for a long time now, because he acts like the ice man and seems incapable of showing any warmth or tenderness to me, and tonight when I told him I just couldn't take it any more he started in with his usual litany of denial.  He began with his normal "well, we need to TRY to work on things, blah blah blah..."  Same BS I've heard for our entire relationship with hardly any changes on his part no matter how much I try to communicate my needs to him.  I can't tell you the number of things I've tried to get through to him, but he is as dense as a 2 x 4.  The next thing I knew, he actually had the nerve to say "You haven't tried AT ALL in the past 4 months!"  Haven't tried????????  Are you kidding me??????  That's ALL that I've done...every day that I wake up and have to face him is trying!  And I'm the only one who has made the effort to find the counselors we've been to, to find a church group for blended families for us to attend, to read about ADHD and try to gain some understanding of why my husband is such a royal ass (and, in my eyes, total loser) at times.  That comment sent me over the edge, and the next thing I know, I'm tackling him, screaming at him, and smacking the crap out of him.  It's like the all the rage I've been feeling for so long just took over and I completely blew a gasket.  And all of this happened right in front of our son.  I am embarrassed and in shock over the whole situation, but I don't feel like I've ever been driven to the brink of insanity like this before.

He left the house for a while, then when he returned I tried to communicate how I was feeling to him (lonely, hurt, disappointed) and of course there was absolutely no empathy.  The guy cannot relate on any sort of meaningful level - it's like he's a robot running around with that damned motor driving him to go and go and go.  I told him that I was worried that if the ADHD test results came back that he doesn't have it, then I'd know that he just really doesn't give a crap about me.  There is no other way I can rationalize his treatment of me.  Then, just before retiring to bed, he starts demeaning the fact that I've been reading the ADD book and calling it my "bible", basically trivializing everything as if nothing in the book could possibly be valid.  I've grown used to this behavior now, as he trivializes so much of what I have to say as if it couldn't possibly be valid.  I'm utterly exhasperated at how "out of touch" this man is with me and my needs. 

The worst part about it -= if they do confirm that he has ADHD -- is that he's absolutely, outright made it clear that HE WILL NOT GET MEDICATED.  So, I'm not sure what knowing he's got ADHD is going to do for us, as it's not going to change any of his behaviors and I can't keep living like this, for my sanity's sake and for the well-being of my son.  I know that I need to leave, but it's all just so overwhelming to me right now that I'm too exhausted to figure out how (and I'm a strong person, own my own business, and have lived successfully on my own for a long time before getting involved with him!)

I swear I'm not a crazy person, but my husband's absolute disregard for me and my needs is making me that way...can anyone else relate?