in love with adhd boyfriend but he's made me so sad i don't know how much more i can handle

i have been with my adhd boyfriend for 5 years just this november. we have a two month old baby and live together. we had a great first two years of the relationship then it all went downhill in a sense. i love him, but he's become such a burden. i want so badly for things to work out, but i sometimes wonder if he's capable of it or if he even wants to put in the effort at all. i feel like i've become a constant nagger. i ask him to help me do some simple task that i can't easily do myself like put a box away on a top shelf, but he just won't do it. i don't know if he forgets or what. i'll tell him again. he's basically whines and says he doesn't want to. then i have to continually ask for him to do it to make a point of it. i know such a little thing is silly to leave someone over, but this has been going on for years. 
 

in addition, he is horribly addicted to marijuana, and i am too but not as much. when he wants me to buy a sack (bc he doesn't have a job), he will ask "can we get a gram?" over and over and over and over again if i say no. i admit, i should just say no, but like i said i am kind of addicted too so when he puts that pressure on me, it makes it difficult to say no. on top of that, he steals money from his parents and me and even from our little baby's piggy bank to get weed and cigarettes. i know that sounds awful, but he didn't do that before he was addicted to marijuana. speaking of feeling pressured tho he's always asking me to buy him things. its really annoying, because i don't even know if he realizes how little money i have. 

and i know he has time management issues, but it seems he's made no effort in working on this. however, the worst part is that sometimes he'll promise he'll do something with me, but he'll end up forgetting or when it comes time, i'll call him, and he'll ignore my calls. this is the worst part. it really makes me feel like crap. a couple years ago, it happened quite often when i'd be all ready to go out, call him, he would say he's coming over, half an hour passes, i call him back, he doesn't answer. i would still wait for him thinking maybe something was holding him up, then he'd never come that night at all. :-*( that really was the rockiest point in our relationship. i was going thru a rough patch myself. however, everytime he's late or doesn't pick up my calls now, i automatically think the worst. many times its an overreaction. it seems like a form of ptsd in a way.

after that rough patch, i was scarred. even though things are better now (except for the weed addiction), i still find myself having major issues with our relationship. i really want him to make me feel like im special again. apart from our first anniversary, he hasn't done anything special for my birthday or our anniversary or valentines day. i end up very depressed on these days because of that, and it makes me wonder if this is what i should expect for years to come. i don't know if i could handle that. i want him to appreciate me because i do so much for him. i do it because i love him, but the fact that he doesn't show any affection makes me feel taken for granted. it hurts so much that i don't know how many more years i can take. for the sake of my daughter, i want to make things work tho.

i know what some of u may be thinking, "how could you be in love with this guy?" he really is very intelligent, funny, and smart. we have the best arguments and best what-if scenario conversations. he's a very talented songwriter and multi-instrumentalist. we agree on a lot of things, but he acts like an undisciplined little boy. i want him to realize how much he hurts me, and to really let me know how much i mean to him. *sighs*

is there any hope out there?

I'm no expert...

...but I do have ADD and I know from experience that pot just make it 100x worse.  Fortunately, I didn't like it, so I didn't get dragged down by it.  I figured I was tired and foggy enough without it.

You BOTH need to deal with your addiction I think before anything is going to improve.

I take Adderall, which has helped tremendously. 

Does he have any medical insurance?  Can he see a doctor?

Me either...

Pot just made me so lethargic... I drank more when I was young, but began to realize that my worst mistakes were made when my foggy brain was drunk.

I still will have a drink socially, but not much... I don't like the fog anymore.

Adderall literally woke me up and I won't go back.

antifemmebot's picture

he says hes wound up

i know im realizing this now. he says he needs it because he feels so wound up. i suggested joining a sports team or something. we just got gym memberships too. he's taken several different meds in the past but doesn't want to anymore because none of them worked out. plus, he's worried they are messing with his brain too much. he has medical insurance though. so do you think its nearly impossible for someone with adhd to work out their issues without medicine? that seems to be what every professional ive come across suggests.

i really want to stop smoking weed. i should really say no everytime he asks to get some, but he's such an enabler. :( do you guys have any suggestions on how to say no to him? he's so overpowering. i know its coming to a breaking point. would it be a good idea to give him an ultimatum just to give him a kick in the pants? or will that just alienate him from me???

Excercise...

If you DH feels too wound up, his dosage may be too high. The XR type ADD meds can help, because they release more slowly and evenly throughout the day. Exercise will certainly help an ADDer. I began a walking regiment after my diagnosis and I can tell you there is a huge difference in how I feel when I get my walks into my daily routine. It takes a while to find the right med and dosage, but it is worth it to find the one that works best for the ADDer. Tell the doc about how each one affects him and he can prescribe an alternative. I could not do this without my adderall. Once I began my treatment, I found that I did not even feel like drinking much anymore. I was never a heavy drinker, but I just did not want much alcohol after my ADD fog cleared and alcohol seemed to bring the fog back. 

Try to halt the weed, at least until he finds the right ADD meds, then see how much he needs the weed. Good luck!