Love in the ruins

I once was loved. Before marriage, I felt loved by family, friends and the universe and saw beauty and synchronicity all around me.  

In relationships, it can happen that one of the 2 people becomes the beloved and one of the people become the lover (as in does the work of loving).  I have loved but I have not been loved in return.  He NEEDED me to love him and care for him and listen to him and look at him.  He NEEDED someone to dance around his needs, forgive him constantly, bolster hix ego and mostly to give him sex (be conquered to benefit his ego) and give him the freedom of being his own independent person. I thought that one day, he would appreciate and love (actions) me in return like soul mates.  

I have not been loved for a long time and what happens to your soul and heart is that you are not as strong as you are when you have people who support you and love you and look at you and listen to you.  When you feel invisible, there is little energy to work or excel or love anymore. The world does not seem like a fair place anymore and you wonder if love really exists or is it just in a person's imagination that love has meaning and power.  In my case with dh, love does not work.  Fighting for boundaries, watching my back, grabbing my share, manipulations, getting my way, staying strong, not taking things personally, not having any expectations would have been more effective and smart. I should have guarded my heart and strategized with him. He plays life like a chess game. But what a crappy way to live and love that would be.

He got to be loved. So maybe he is the smart one. The smarter thing for me would have been to leave him and find someone who was able to love and give.

I see the back of his balding head a lot as he is always still walking away from me. No goodbye. Not telling me where he is going or when he will be back. And he props himself up with his attitude of playing the part of a lovable goofball caricature of a man child with all the forgetfulness and inappropriateness of impulsive ADD.