Looking back on my life, I realize that I have been loving in my words and actions. What I was not, however, maybe was that I was not beloved. I don't recall being loved and precious. I recall believing that I needed to work for acceptance and for my keep.
This weekend, I spent 4 days with my sisters and lots of relatives at an out of town wedding. I made all the travel, shuttles and hotel reservations, and paid with my credit card. They didn't want to share in the decisions but "just tell us what we owe you". After we got back, rather than appreciation for what I did, there was some descension about VERY minor things and I find myself unbelievably "out" of popularity with the very group that I thoughtfully made arrangements for according to what I thought THEY would prefer and for THEIR comfort and abilities. I am pondering that today (trying not to have an emotion about it but rather just looking at it because it is a surprise to me).
It seems this is the same with my H so it must have something to do with me. I seem to not know how to be "beloved". I have not worked toward that end. I wanted to love them. I was helping them too much. I helped H too much too and took away their/his own sense of worth and contribution? This is not what they said, just what I am surmising.
Today I am going to do something I don't like in other people's demeanor...just for the experiment of it. I am going to brazenly "do my own thing" and then look cute and coy and laugh if anyone challenges me or if anyone is "put out" because of my actions. Because it seems to me that the divas, the "kids at heart", the "learned helplessness" is more beloved than the person who works behind the scenes to build up and support the group as a whole.
I have always been comfortable behind the scenes and/or in a group where I felt connected and where I belong. But this was not comfortable this weekend and I am not comfortable working behind the scenes and unappreciated by H either. It seems that my efforts have been misplaced. OR I must find people who want to contribute and work together better...maybe both. This is just an awareness I have today that I believe many of you can relate to. In these two areas of MY life, I cannot give of myself the way I would like to because it makes me feel bad.
I do not know how to make myself beloved. To me, it seems selfish to put effort into that, yet I know I don't want to be the facilitator to everyone else's happiness and be unhappy myself. I must have a change in attitude about "being" beloved and get to work on that.