Looking back on my life, I realize that I have been loving in my words and actions. What I was not, however, maybe was that I was not beloved. I don't recall being loved and precious. I recall believing that I needed to work for acceptance and for my keep.
This weekend, I spent 4 days with my sisters and lots of relatives at an out of town wedding. I made all the travel, shuttles and hotel reservations, and paid with my credit card. They didn't want to share in the decisions but "just tell us what we owe you". After we got back, rather than appreciation for what I did, there was some descension about VERY minor things and I find myself unbelievably "out" of popularity with the very group that I thoughtfully made arrangements for according to what I thought THEY would prefer and for THEIR comfort and abilities. I am pondering that today (trying not to have an emotion about it but rather just looking at it because it is a surprise to me).
It seems this is the same with my H so it must have something to do with me. I seem to not know how to be "beloved". I have not worked toward that end. I wanted to love them. I was helping them too much. I helped H too much too and took away their/his own sense of worth and contribution? This is not what they said, just what I am surmising.
Today I am going to do something I don't like in other people's demeanor...just for the experiment of it. I am going to brazenly "do my own thing" and then look cute and coy and laugh if anyone challenges me or if anyone is "put out" because of my actions. Because it seems to me that the divas, the "kids at heart", the "learned helplessness" is more beloved than the person who works behind the scenes to build up and support the group as a whole.
I have always been comfortable behind the scenes and/or in a group where I felt connected and where I belong. But this was not comfortable this weekend and I am not comfortable working behind the scenes and unappreciated by H either. It seems that my efforts have been misplaced. OR I must find people who want to contribute and work together better...maybe both. This is just an awareness I have today that I believe many of you can relate to. In these two areas of MY life, I cannot give of myself the way I would like to because it makes me feel bad.
I do not know how to make myself beloved. To me, it seems selfish to put effort into that, yet I know I don't want to be the facilitator to everyone else's happiness and be unhappy myself. I must have a change in attitude about "being" beloved and get to work on that.
Jenna - the topic you've
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Jenna - the topic you've raised is really hard. I don't have any good answers. I've wanted my partner to love me for what seems like forever. I've been loving to him. He doesn't seem to really love me - I guess he does to the extent he can, but he doesn't "cherish" me; he doesn't put much into communicating any love he has for me. And he's put a lot into letting me know all the negative feelings he has toward me! I bet your husband doesn't see you as you really are. No one's perfect, but, similar to rose-colored glasses, my SO has gray-colored glasses on - a very negative perception of most things/people and of course, that includes me. I thought we committed to considering each other special and important, but I don't feel special or important to him. I've been to counselling and the concept of loving yourself was one of the biggest things I got out of it. You're on the right track, I think, in the sense that, you do need to love yourself in order for others to love you and, paradoxically, you don't feel like you need them to love you so much if you love yourself.
Reply Beloved
Submitted by phatmama on
Jennalelemone, your post is literally the story of my life right now, and I am so sad for you. I call myself "codependent" and I know that I bend over backward for others and receive not even a fraction of the love I crave. From anyone. On Mother's Day, I actually took a permanent marker and wrote "KICK ME" down the front of my leg where it was quite visible. It embarrassed my family to death, but they had treated me like dirt all day ON MOTHER'S DAY and I was sick of it. I told them that since everyone else can clearly see the "kick me" sign I carry around, I might as well see it too. I know this is childish as Hell, but I cannot even begin to describe how awful that day was to me. In the top 3 worst days of my life. I wanted so much to feel "beloved" by my family on an outing that I had arranged, paid for, and organized (!) and when it devolved into borderline verbal/emotional abuse by my teenage son and only one family member defended me, I was shattered. Total shock. There was not one card, gift, or verbal expression of "Happy Mother's Day" except from my husband, and I have three children! In the past year, I have also taken in a family of five (my cousin) into my 3 BR home and let them stay with me for free for about 5 weeks after fleeing Hurricane Irma. It was total chaos with that many people in our small home, but I enjoyed the closeness and felt truly connected to them. Unfortunately, then when they were ready to move on, they "ghosted" me (no call, no visit, no word) despite having promised my young daughter trick-or-treating with her and various other fun things. This is a huge pattern in my life, and I was so sad to read your post. I have never before thought of it this way, and your words were poignant. I sensed your sadness and sense of loss through the entire thing, and those are feelings I share. I, too, am very very bad at being "beloved" and I want to change that. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow for the first time and I am also going to Celebrate Recovery to try and figure out why I have that "kick me" sign stamped on my forehead and how to get it off. I don't know about you, but I am tired of living this way and want my 50th birthday present to myself this year to be to CHERISH MYSELF and let go of anyone who won't get on board. Best of wishes to you as you also seek to turn a new leaf into becoming "beloved".
A Catch 22
Submitted by jennalemone on
Phatmama, you get it. There is even a component that I feel you get in this that I have not been able to put into words - I can't put my finger on it but your action of writing "kick me" on your leg is a puddle I seem to sit in quite often with my sisters. I guess ego is a problem for me....ick - I had not really put myself in that category before. When people are rude or thoughtless to me, I want to be able to shake it off and not take it personally - that is what "growing up" is. But some of us have lived for decades with people who we cannot EXPECT to feel safe with our emotions (family members and spouses). When it seems no one is sensitive to OUR needs for attention, our stranded egos get tossed aside. We feel foolish for letting it get to us again and again. Yet, if we don't let our guards down with the people who we have entrusted our hearts with, we are isolated and alone. A Catch 22.
I'm so sorry. It really hurts
Submitted by cmo22 (not verified) on
I'm so sorry. It really hurts that they can't just take one day out of the year to say thanks, doesn't it?
Last year my husband left me at home with both kids and no car so he could go ride ATVs with his buddy. For the entire day. He has decided that we (?) don't celebrate commercial holidays and he didn't think I would want flowers or anything.
This year he woke up and ask me what we were doing. It's pathetic. I've debated just buying a plane ticket next year and celebrating myself. Based on the fact that you are here, I'm going to guess that you handle 99% of all of the things and you deserve to be put on that pedestal.
I'm on the fence about if it's healthy to celebrate yourself, all alone or just to find someone else that will.
Feeling "beloved"
Submitted by Scott C. on
I think I identify with much of what you are stating. Difficulty feeling, recognizing or accepting love, loving gestures or even compliments is something I struggle with. As a result I tend to do for people in the hopes of pleasing them to receive validation of my worth. I have heard a number of people refer to this kind of behavior as reducing one's self to a human doing rather than a human being. Dr. Hallowell may have been one of the folks to use this expression.
I have recently learned in my interpersonal communication studies that we all feel the need to be able to give and receive help and influence in our personal relationships as a means of connecting. Since I perceive that I have difficulty receiving these things, I tend to put more emphasis on the giving. Because of this imbalance, I am sensitive to whether or not others are accepting or appreciative. Perhaps you can identify with those feelings to some degree? If you do, you may find the book Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb to be of use. It deals with childhood emotional neglect. Now the thought of associating yourself with the idea of childhood emotional neglect may cause you to wince, but according to Dr. Webb, that is common. Don't pre-judge yourself, your parents or the book. ;-) Give it a read, or listen to the audio book.
If you identify with co-dependency, anxious or avoidant attachment styles, please read Dr. Webb because she almost certainly has insights for you. :-)
Another term I am coming to know is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is apparently common with ADHD. video link, https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/what-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-...
Best Wishes (Care for yourself),
Scott
Thanks Scott
Submitted by jennalemone on
I will read/listen to those books. Thanks, I was looking for something to listen to on my IPhone. There are times that I like to have some audio going on besides my own thoughts which sometimes tend to beat me up or worry.
Beloved....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm much like you Jenna...I most always pick up the heavy end....I think it was birth in me as a youth (Scott's post)...Product of divorce at age 5....(emotional scares that destroy self-worth)...My Mom raised us (three boys) alone for the most part...She had her own abandonment issues....So we turned to work for approval....Perfection and efficiency was the unspoken goal...." My performance in life, will make me a prize worth loving".....
I was promoted 6 times internally on the job I spent 38 years doing...I was called and expert by my peers in my field...But they had no idea what those words ( or any praise ) did to my insides...To my mind, my thoughts...The feelings of panic that I must not let them down... I must work extra hard to attain to this level that they see me at....Because I saw myself as someone who must always push to do better.....To cover all the holes, to pick up the slack for others...I've never been able to accept being the "beloved" just because someone loved me, for me...."No one can do that! I must earn it!"....When someone serves me or reaches out to me, it makes me as nervous as a cat on a hot time roof....I've never known how to be served, but, I am great at serving others....
Until the pain of this marriage drove me to truly look to God...And in my anguish and brokenness the gospel came alive....The words "You are not your own, you were bought w/ a price" became real...And now I know, I'm beloved...Now when I roll out of bed, I pray to be saved from my mind, and to experience the mind of Christ...And my goal each day is to look for him...Always be aware of his presents w/ me, and in me....He is always there, no matter the circumstances....Nothing can separate us....He is allowing me to stop placing expectations on others to fill in me, what only he can fill...
Human's all of us, have limitations....He has none....
I am also beloved by my 31 month old grandson;)...He inquires often my daughter says, about his Poppa....To my daughters, I am beloved....In reality I am beloved by many...It's not that I'm not beloved, it's that I was unable to receive it....
My wife's reality (baggage concerning her past and how it plays out in her management of life, time, and priorities...a high level of add...and denial of it all when someone tries to get her to face it, and work through it...My bad..lol..) has not been one that leans it self to making me feel like her beloved...
When it comes to marital relationship love (human love) what has really crushed me w/ my wife the past 10 years....Is the reality I had with my first wife of 30 years....When you have had a life partner that you knew without a shadow of a doubt that was fully committed, fully invested, and you were her beloved....It is hard to live w/ someone who shows very little investment, and who isn't approachable much of the time....But the reality of it is...There just isn't that kind potential to even have that level of love and commitment and oneness for many people....To much baggage, to many learned behaviors that limit the ability to trust and lay our hearts out there....Not for every late life marriage of course, but, for some....It's good to accept it, and just focus on making sure the guy in the mirror is holding himself accountable to be open, approachable, and to love with all my might, whether it is received or not.....