Low Sex Drive

Just to start things off, I'm not actually married to my boyfriend.  Largely because we're a same-sex couple, and there's no marriage equality in the state we live in.  That said, I think this could still be a good resource for me.

Anyway...my boyfriend has ADHD.  He disclosed at the very beginning of our relationship, and I've worked really hard to understand how his brain works and where he's coming from.  It's been difficult at times, but I'm generally pretty happy with our relationship.  We've run into a sort of problem, though...our sex drives seem pretty mismatched.  As in, mine is way higher than his.  For a while, it was fairly easy to deal with.  We lived about 2 hours away from each other, and only saw each other on the weekends.  So by the time our times together rolled around, we were both pretty ready to "go at it," so to speak.  Recently, however, I moved out to the West Coast with him for a new job he got, and this problem has really come to the forefront.  I could have sex every day (maybe more), but I recognize that is quite a lot, and I'm comfortable toning it down a bit to better match with his libido.  Seeing as how we're two guys in our twenties, I'd be more than happy with sexual intimacy every other day, or even every two days.  Lately, though, it seems like I'm lucky if we have sex once a week.  Which...isn't enough.  It's better when he's taking his medication, but he's gotten into this habit of only taking it during the week, and going off of it on the weekends.  Which I understand...he feels like he's not himself when he's on the meds, and he doesn't want to become dependent on them.  But even when he's on his meds during the week, he seems to get simply too tired or stressed or distracted during the week to engage in sex all that often.  And on the weekends when he's off his meds, he gets even more distracted.  What worries me is that this is going to get even worse...I finally got a new job out here, and now we're BOTH going to be tired and distracted during the week.

I really just don't know what to do.  I don't want to seem like all I care about is sex (it definitely isn't), but sex is an important part of a relationship, and it's really painful and frustrating to feel ignored in this sphere of life.  Little help?

Not sure about ADD's affect here...

I'm the ADDER in our house. My DW does not have ADD and I have the high drive. I did not get diagnosed until age 43 and after taking Adderall my drive did not change one way or the other. I don't take any days off from my meds because I don't like walking back into the ADD Fog. I wish I had some advice for you, maybe sex was something that always woke me up, it made me feel good and I liked making my DW feel good too. I just wish the planets did not have to align to have the opportunity. Unfortunately sex seems to be more important to some and less to others and it's not a barometer on how much they love you. You just have to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

Good luck...

hi Ubernerd!

I've been meaning to reply to your post for ages, but well... there's always something that I SHOULD be doing instead of spending time on the computer....

I am a woman with ADHD, and I understand the whole low sex drive thing... but for me, it is always more complicated.  in past relationships there would always be this point - maybe 7 months into it? - that I would begin to feel awkward.  For reasons totally mystifying to me, I would suddenly feel awkward, unattractive or just strange and avoid sex.  I would want to, but just have this weird block.  I felt like as soon as my boyfriend 'really knew' me ie; would start remarking on my spacey nature, my disorganization, my being consistently late, messy, losing stuff etc. i would feel ugly, even though he would still be obviously attracted to me and say so I just would... stop believing it?  Does this make any sense?

Anyway, the same thing happened with my husband, but we've been together for oh man... lets see.... almost 20 years now and married for 12 of those years.  Sometimes it gets better, but definitely since my ADD diagnosis I've been falling into that state a lot.  It sucks, because the drive is still there, but I just can't go through with it.  I don't know what would change it or make it better and my DH has no time for me these days.  He works his butt off, i work my butt off (but don't make enough money which makes me feel like shit, and makes me feel more unattractive) and at night once i get the kids in bed, he's glued to his computer and when I ask if he wants to snuggle, talk, etc.  he'll let out a big sigh and say, "Ok, what do you want to say?" and I feel like i'm taking up his time so I usually jsut give up and go to bed.

So, maybe your boyfriend is feeling awkward like me, since you know about the ADD?  dunno.  But the best way to deal with it would be to try to talk about it and reassure him that you don't think he's stupid/lazy.

hope this helps... 

Ellamenno