I'm new here, so bear with me. I've been in a relationship with my ADHD bf for 11 years. We've had a lot of the common ADHD issues, like communication problems, forgetfulness, failure to follow through etc. But I think the one issue that has been the hardest for me to deal with is lying. I guess I can't really be sure when the lying began, but it started causing problems while we were in college. He would lie about things that I'm guessing a lot of guys lie to their girlfriends about, like drinking too much or hanging out with *certain* people, that I would disapprove of.
But when it continued after college was over and we were living together I got worried. One thing that we really clashed with after college was his interest in joining the military. I am fervently opposed to the military (please don't judge, just my personal opinion) but that's not the only thing that came to my mind when I told him I didn't want him to join. All that time away, and the possibility of him being killed, among other things just made it impossible for me to accept. I told him that I would not go along with that decision and if he wanted to join that we would have to separate. After a lot of discussion he agreed that he would not sign up. About two months later I had the urge to look at his emails, so I did. And what I saw was that the entire time he was continuing to communicate with a recruiter and planning to send some paperwork over to start the process of signing up. I couldn't believe it. I thought how did he think that eventually I wouldn't find out? And if he wanted to join that bad, why didn't he just break up with me since I told him that's what he would have to do? When I confronted him about it, he ended up telling the recruiter he was no longer interested. To be completely honest, I think that maybe the ADHD created some fantasy in his head of how joining the military would fix his life when it definitely wouldn't. Now, years later, he thanks me for talking him out of it. But that huge lie put a scar on our relationship.
Moving on, we moved out of our home state together and now we don't really have anyone else around besides the two of us, so we spend a lot of time together. It's been good, I think. I would have thought that we would fight and argue a lot more, being down each other's throats all the time, but we actually get along pretty great. But the ADHD has caused some problems for him with his new job. His boss quickly picked up on the fact that he has a hard time focusing, remembering things, and making good decisions. He actually almost got fired several times over bad decisions he has made and at this point he is on his final warning. It's sad because he actually tries really hard and is so friendly to everyone at work, it's just that he struggles with the ADHD. Anyway, his boss is kind of a bully and she also kind of comes on to the men at the company a lot (she's kind of a slut). So I don't really think much of her and he knows it. At the company Christmas party, she got drunk and made a fool of herself. Well, after that he told me that he wouldn't go to any more company parties because of all the drinking and the fact that a lot of the employees are kind of mean to him.
But he was just invited to a 4th of July party today and he said he wanted to go to "improve his reputation" and that the party was going to be mostly playing sports and activities. I asked him if families were invited and he said he wasn't sure. Well, an email popped up on his phone and I read it. It was a reply from another worker about how they need someone to bring the jello shots. So I looked at the past emails in that conversation, and the invitation from his boss to the party was in there and it said that the party was going to be at HER house and that it was going to be mostly drinking and watching the fireworks. Oh and that all families are invited. So I asked him why did he lie to me about it? His response- "I thought it would be awkward if you went since you don't like my boss." So that means lie to me about it? He apologized, but I'm still angry because over the years he has lied about SO MANY things.
He has lied about stupid ridiculous things like what he ate that day, or where he left his house keys. Things that I'm like, WHAT DO YOU GAIN FROM LYING ABOUT THAT? And he doesn't even know. He has lied so much that I can't even begin to remember most of them. I'm at a loss.
The other issue that he has struggled with that I am really worried about is unsafe driving. He has a really hard time focusing on what he is doing when he is driving. Even when there is no music, no distractions, he just can't focus. Last year, he bought an $8000 truck when his budget was $4000. I supported him because it was a really nice truck. But within six months, he totaled it. He pulled out in front of someone and got t-boned. He had just spent $1200 on it a week before getting the engine fixed and new tires. And because of that, we decided to fix it. We got a guy to do it for $5000. (I know how absurd that is.) And after that I had a serious talk with him about his driving. I made him feel really bad about the fact that he spent the same amount of money fixing it as he had paid for it and it was double his original budget. He promised to be more careful.
Well, another six months go by, and he made another bad decision and both sides of the trucks body now need about $1000 worth of repairs. To make things worse, a few weeks after this happened, we were in a parking garage pulling out of a parking space, and he would've hit a pole in the garage if I hadn't screamed. I don't know what to do.
SO HERE ARE MY QUESTIONS:
1. HAS ANYONE BEEN EVEN SLIGHTLY SUCCESSFUL IN DEALING WITH UNSAFE DRIVING DUE TO ADHD? IF SO, HOW?
2. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO DEAL WITH THE LYING?
THANK YOU FOR ANY SUGGESTIONS :) And thank you for reading my super long story.