I'm new here, so bear with me. I've been in a relationship with my ADHD bf for 11 years. We've had a lot of the common ADHD issues, like communication problems, forgetfulness, failure to follow through etc. But I think the one issue that has been the hardest for me to deal with is lying. I guess I can't really be sure when the lying began, but it started causing problems while we were in college. He would lie about things that I'm guessing a lot of guys lie to their girlfriends about, like drinking too much or hanging out with *certain* people, that I would disapprove of.
But when it continued after college was over and we were living together I got worried. One thing that we really clashed with after college was his interest in joining the military. I am fervently opposed to the military (please don't judge, just my personal opinion) but that's not the only thing that came to my mind when I told him I didn't want him to join. All that time away, and the possibility of him being killed, among other things just made it impossible for me to accept. I told him that I would not go along with that decision and if he wanted to join that we would have to separate. After a lot of discussion he agreed that he would not sign up. About two months later I had the urge to look at his emails, so I did. And what I saw was that the entire time he was continuing to communicate with a recruiter and planning to send some paperwork over to start the process of signing up. I couldn't believe it. I thought how did he think that eventually I wouldn't find out? And if he wanted to join that bad, why didn't he just break up with me since I told him that's what he would have to do? When I confronted him about it, he ended up telling the recruiter he was no longer interested. To be completely honest, I think that maybe the ADHD created some fantasy in his head of how joining the military would fix his life when it definitely wouldn't. Now, years later, he thanks me for talking him out of it. But that huge lie put a scar on our relationship.
Moving on, we moved out of our home state together and now we don't really have anyone else around besides the two of us, so we spend a lot of time together. It's been good, I think. I would have thought that we would fight and argue a lot more, being down each other's throats all the time, but we actually get along pretty great. But the ADHD has caused some problems for him with his new job. His boss quickly picked up on the fact that he has a hard time focusing, remembering things, and making good decisions. He actually almost got fired several times over bad decisions he has made and at this point he is on his final warning. It's sad because he actually tries really hard and is so friendly to everyone at work, it's just that he struggles with the ADHD. Anyway, his boss is kind of a bully and she also kind of comes on to the men at the company a lot (she's kind of a slut). So I don't really think much of her and he knows it. At the company Christmas party, she got drunk and made a fool of herself. Well, after that he told me that he wouldn't go to any more company parties because of all the drinking and the fact that a lot of the employees are kind of mean to him.
But he was just invited to a 4th of July party today and he said he wanted to go to "improve his reputation" and that the party was going to be mostly playing sports and activities. I asked him if families were invited and he said he wasn't sure. Well, an email popped up on his phone and I read it. It was a reply from another worker about how they need someone to bring the jello shots. So I looked at the past emails in that conversation, and the invitation from his boss to the party was in there and it said that the party was going to be at HER house and that it was going to be mostly drinking and watching the fireworks. Oh and that all families are invited. So I asked him why did he lie to me about it? His response- "I thought it would be awkward if you went since you don't like my boss." So that means lie to me about it? He apologized, but I'm still angry because over the years he has lied about SO MANY things.
He has lied about stupid ridiculous things like what he ate that day, or where he left his house keys. Things that I'm like, WHAT DO YOU GAIN FROM LYING ABOUT THAT? And he doesn't even know. He has lied so much that I can't even begin to remember most of them. I'm at a loss.
The other issue that he has struggled with that I am really worried about is unsafe driving. He has a really hard time focusing on what he is doing when he is driving. Even when there is no music, no distractions, he just can't focus. Last year, he bought an $8000 truck when his budget was $4000. I supported him because it was a really nice truck. But within six months, he totaled it. He pulled out in front of someone and got t-boned. He had just spent $1200 on it a week before getting the engine fixed and new tires. And because of that, we decided to fix it. We got a guy to do it for $5000. (I know how absurd that is.) And after that I had a serious talk with him about his driving. I made him feel really bad about the fact that he spent the same amount of money fixing it as he had paid for it and it was double his original budget. He promised to be more careful.
Well, another six months go by, and he made another bad decision and both sides of the trucks body now need about $1000 worth of repairs. To make things worse, a few weeks after this happened, we were in a parking garage pulling out of a parking space, and he would've hit a pole in the garage if I hadn't screamed. I don't know what to do.
SO HERE ARE MY QUESTIONS:
1. HAS ANYONE BEEN EVEN SLIGHTLY SUCCESSFUL IN DEALING WITH UNSAFE DRIVING DUE TO ADHD? IF SO, HOW?
2. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO DEAL WITH THE LYING?
THANK YOU FOR ANY SUGGESTIONS :) And thank you for reading my super long story.
ADHD and driving....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I'm guessing that your BF didn't ride bikes much as a kid and as a teen. I believe that bike-riding is a "pre-driving" skill and when ADHD people didn't ride bikes much as kids, then their driving habits suffer.
My ADHD H is a pretty good driver, but he grew up riding a bike everywhere.
My older son has "slight ADHD," and it REALLY SHOWED when it came time for him to learn how to drive. He had rarely ridden a bike as a kid...rarely.
In our area, a kid can get a driving permit at age 15. It was CLEAR that he was a lousy driver. Horrible mistakes. There would have been accidents if we (the parents) hadn't been in the car with him.
when he turned 16, we didn't even bother having him try to get his license since we knew how badly his driving skills were. His younger brother got his permit at 15, had NO problems driving, and promptly got HIS license the day he turned 16. However, older bro still did not have his license.
Older son went off to college and driving wasn't necessary. Every time he was home, we'd have him "practice driving"....still BAD. H's therapist recommended a local teacher who taught driving "on the side." We hired him for about 10 lessons, which of course, included driving a LOT. Older son made a number of mistakes, but teacher prevented any accidents. By the end, there were some improvements, but still not enough.
Finally, when older son was a rising-junior in college, he felt that he HAD to get his license. We spent the summer practicing and practicing....still some crazy mistakes. He finally thought he was ready, but failed the driving test. Then he took it again...fail. Then he took it again....fail. we took him to different DMV offices so t that he wouldn't be tested by the same person. Fail. Finally, the day before he was to return to college, he took the test again. He didn't do great, but he did pass. The DMV person talked to me about his short-comings. I told her that he wouldn't be driving by himself (wasn't taking a car with him to college), and that I would have him practice more when he came home for breaks. Finally, at the beginning of senior year in college, he began driving by himself.
So far, no tickets or accidents. However, it was about a 5 year process.
I would recommend that anyone with a child with ADHD, make sure that they start with bike-riding (in safe areas, of course)
OMG You Are the First Person Who .....
Submitted by kellyj on
I've ever heard make this connection. Yes, I most definitely agree. Growing up...my parents did not ferry me around to get places. The training wheels came off when I was 5 yrs old and I was mobile for good. My friends and I lived on our bikes and they were our only source of transportation outside of walking. When I was young....having your mother drive you somewhere was the last resort in all cases and even then....you had her drop you off at the next block so no one would see. lol On days when there was nothing to do...we would go on "bike hikes" and ride as far as you could and back which took all day....sometimes getting home just before dark. You learn how to manage traffic and cars for sure. Most importantly...how to avoid them!
J
I deal with bad driving all
Submitted by Sally_87 on
I deal with bad driving all the time.. I don't think it has anything to do With bikes, my partner used to ride them all the time when he was young as well as motorbikes. I think it's because they don't think properly when driving. My partner doesn't move lanes until the last second and zooms in and out because someone is going 1km under the speed limit. I understand when someone is driving super slow but half the time he acts crazy only for them to be besides us at the next set of lights. He also changes radio stations, checks his Facebook, needs to google something totally irrelevant that can't wait 5 minutes until we arrive at the destination. Also he has a lot of road rage and gets worked up over the dumbest things. I get annoyed with crappy drivers too but it doesn't ruin my day. He also has a habit of drink driving.
I have tried to explain to him the dangers of this. I use examples like what if you lost control of the car while you were drinking and slammed into a family and killed them all.. Even if it was out of your control you would be done for drink driving and go to jail for a long time. His reply is always that will never happen.
sadly I don't think there's much you can do. Obviously he hasn't learned his lessons, and he most likely never will. You can never tell them they're wrong about anything and they don't like to listen. As for the lies, I can't give you any advice on that because I haven't really had to deal with them.
I Don't Think That's the Problem
Submitted by kellyj on
His reply is always that will never happen. It's the same argument that people who tail gate make when they are going 50 mph with only 1 car length in between them and the next car in front of you. Right. It takes 60 ft to stop and you only have 15 ft to do it in. How is that possible? I'll still maintain that learning to control a vehicle better at first will benefit from doing similar things like riding a bike when you are young. Being overconfident, entitled and impatient sounds more like a low tolerance for frustration than being able to control the vehicle IMHO.
Some suggestions for him the next time he does this (my favorite quips)...Where's the fire? Are you in a big hurry to get to the next stop sign? Did you just make a down payment on this section of road? I didn't know they were handing out trophies today Mario? :)
Hi fujibug
Submitted by kellyj on
I get the impression that your bf is very insecure about himself and his abilities. I don't think this is strictly and ADHD thing but having ADHD will only make this worse in one sense.....the time it takes to become proficient at doing things. That will take longer in general for someone with ADHD but that doesn't mean that you can't. It also doesn't mean once you do learn to do things you will not be as good at doing them as anyone else....possibly better but it's no different once you learn is what I'm saying.
In context to your story...the two of you sound like you are relatively young adults (20's-early 30's). This makes sense only in the fact that for someone with ADHD who hasn't learned some skills growing up along the way....it will take longer than average sometimes to acquire them later but...I've seen this same behavior with other men who simply have got a late start in doing certain things and then suddenly finding themselves behind the curve and wanting to hide this fact on one hand....and then prove themselves on the other.
This is a stereotypical male pecking order thing...... proving your worth and showing off in front of an audience which begins on the playground in elementary school. In light of my other comment about bikes riding for example.....I rode every motorized moving object I could find growing up. If it had wheels and a motor....I would beg borrow or steal any chance to ride it. I logged a lot of hours on mini bikes, dirt bikes and home made go carts growing up as well as on my bike. My mother was adamantly opposed to motorcycles since one our relatives dies on one so I to sneak around to do this. My first dirt bike in jr high school I bought from a friend and kept it at his house so my parents wouldn't find out I was riding it. The point here is I crashed, ran into things and made every mistake that everyone makes when they are first learning multiple times before I became a proficient rider long before I was even old enough to drive a car. To this day I still ride a motorcycle )and have never crashed it) but I had literally years of experience and thousands of hours riding growing up before I ever started riding on the street as an adult.
I've seen and heard ot this scenario many times where a person who has never ridden before decides to buy a brand new Harley Davidson (a huge unyielding heavy motorcycle) instead of a small entry level bike to start with.....gets all decked out in a brand new biker looking outfit, jumps on the thing and proceeds to crash (or get killed) within the first six months and ends up selling the whole lots and never riding again. It's a very common scenario but it is for the same reason.
I'm thinking from the sound of it...the reason your bf didn't want you to go to the party had more to do with him not wanting you to see how awkward he is at the party (sports and activities ) or maybe even mostly abstaining from doing them in the first place out of insecurity and not wanting you to see this out of embarrassment. His "improving his reputation" pretty much says right there that he feels it needs some improvement. In reality...it sound like he's very insecure about himself and his own abilities since he has failed before and out of embarrassment or fear of other people judging him by these things....he's afraid of trying again because his self image or self esteem will not be able to take another hit to it. It sounds like a precarious and tenuous situation for him and his self esteem in general. The lying is all about covering this up or trying to in one way or another.
What your bf needs is some success in his life and to find something that he can hang his hat on so to speak which would help his self esteem...but this will never happen if he can't get past the point of understanding that no one is just born with the ability to do anything well no matter how much innate talent you have to begin with ....and most of us have to work equally hard and put your time in (pays your dues) with a lot of effort, failure and frustration before you become good at anything. It's never too late to do this but it does require everything I just said to get there. There are no short cuts in life in this process. ADHD is not excuse unless you want to argue that is will take longer at certain things....... I will buy that otherwise, there is no excuse what so ever.
J