Made a decision

Thank you to everyone who has posted on this forum and shared their heartbreaking and very relatable stories. After pushing and prodding my boyfriend along these 5 years to marry me I've decided I'm no longer interested in marrying him. All this time I've thought it was ME and have worked very very hard improving me (mind, body and spirit). I'm not perfect. I have baggage, but don't we all?

Anyway, I've read dozens of books on many different subjects, gone to seminars, spent hours perusing websites researching making me a better me. Nothing got better on the homefront. I actually feel worse about my relationship now than ever before. Suddenly it donned on me. Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's him. So I started observing and analysizing him. I ended up at this website and it clicked. He was very up front about telling me he had ADHD when we first started dating. He is on Adderall to combat the effects and help him to focus on his work. Telling me and helping me understand what's it's all about are two different things. Today I told him 'Your work gets your best. I get the ADHD you and it sucks.'

I always thought someone with ADHD was very hyper, rather manic and...oh look a penny! I could handle that! No problem. I'm a very tolerant bizarre person and in every aspect he was just the right guy for me. We all know it's not like that at all.

We went as far as going to the county recorder's office to get a marriage license. I was adamant. 'You love me. I love you. We should be married. No more excuses.' The whole free milk buy the cow, put me above other women, claim ownership this is my woman and you can't have her thing. Yeah yeah yeah it's a pipe dream I get that now. This wedding has been postponed 4 times in 3 years. I've heard every excuse under the sun. Too tired, too worried, too anxious about standing in front of people, no money, no time, the dog is sick. So, fine I don't get a wedding let's just JOP it and be done with it. Call your folks, call your sister, call the people you care about and tell them. No phones...not a single one. I asked why? Same answers....too tired, no time, I've been busy. It's too much right now. Let's do it when we get back from our trip to SoCal next month. That's it! I threw down. I'm done.

I can't marry this guy. I shouldn't even be living with this guy.  My house is a mess, we have no social life, we rarely have sex (he doesn't need it he has porn) he doesn't even know what my favorite color is. I deserve more. We all do. :(