Makes everything impossible

I'm having a very difficult time with my adhd at home and in general. I find that I'm only likeable in small doses and only when I don't do alot of talking. I used to love being social and would crave people's approval but in the last couple of years I have been very withdrawn. Me and my wife recently moved and I don't know anyone. If I have a problem I only have her to turn to, and if we are having a fight I have no one to turn to. I just feel so alone yet I'm afraid to talk to anyone. I'm just going to disappoint any new friends I make. Just feel so isolated. I've been through a divorce before and I feel like I just won't be able to handle my current wife leaving me. I just can't go through that again. I don't want to. I would honestly just want to stop existing if that ever happened. I used to cut myself when I would get really depressed. I felt like I deserved it. Like it was a punishment. The self harm has stopped (after I accidentally broke my hand last year. Huge wake up call) but I still find myself with a "I deserve horrible things to happen to me" kind of mentality. I really feel like I need some kind of help but I don't have the money for something like that. I just don't know what to do. It feels like my body is harboring a poison and they only way to protect others from its effects is to quarantine myself. Any thoughts? Does anyone else just feel tired of dealing with this curse every day of their waking lives?