Male Perspective


I'm one of those apparent rarities; a husband with an ADHD wife (perhaps because husbands typically spend less time researching relationships than wives do).

I have been married for over nine years, to a woman who I'm still deeply in love. Our marriage has had however some serious, and frequent bumps along the way. We have tried traditional counseling with few or no benefits. We appear to end up in stalemates or go around in circles chasing wild geese that in my view have little to do with our personal situation. I was left with the impression that some counselors focus on a particular script that may be successful for most couples, but those not necessarily apply to a different set of circumstances. During our initial interviews with the various counselors my wife discussed being diagnosed with ADHD, family history with the disorder, her experience with medications for ADHD, anxiety, insomnia, etc. Yet, there was never an examination of how the condition affected our relationship or family life - we however quickly descended to the circular arguments so well described in this site, and counseling quickly disintegrated.

Reading the blogs on this site, tells me that I'm not alone and "losing it", and more importantly provides me with hope that we may be closer to understanding and fixing some of the issues affecting my relationship. 

I have learned that relationships don't go bad because a single individual, and by no means want to imply that my wife's ADHD is to blame for our troubles. I fully understand that it is our inability to cope with the condition that is destroying us. I must confess I did not know much about the subject and was touched by the information contained here. I was particularly struck by how the non-ADHD spouse behavior is described, and how in many ways it describes me. I would clearly benefit from help/counseling in addressing that behavior. The importance of gaining the knowledge is magnified by the fact that the condition not only affects my wife but also my adult step-son living with us, and my youngest daughter who is now six, two wonderful children facing the challenges you are so familiar with.