Managing anger vs. Walking on eggshells

Non adhd wife. Hey so my q is when it it just "lovable hunkey dorey Adhd" that I should coddle,  vs when is it just outright abuse I'm taking/not living my life so that I can make sure he doesn't get mad?

I guess I'm asking what is the official line? When has it been crossed?

Does the line exist in each of us non-Adhd? And once we've had enough, that's it? Or we go through years/ decades happily and then suddenly the last straw breaks our back? And we can't even look at our partner with love anymore. 

90% of time he is fine, perfect ideal husband. But I am blamed for everything that goes wrong and called disgusting names during these outbursts. There is never an apology.  I am expected to not have resentment at these outbursts and to go on as if it never happened.  But sometimes he will pin me to the wall or hit me. But that's only once every 2-3 years when I lose my temper with him and get emotionally reactive when I could have just held my tounge.

I see others here who have endured such things and keep trying. Any thoughts on any of this would be greatly appreciated!