I’ve been debating for days whether to write or not. I've been off social media for a while and I really don't have friends. I don't know how to do this; I guess I'll just write. I've been with my husband (partner not married but engaged-super long engagement) for 9 years. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I feel the news destroyed my world. A lot of things clicked in my head as soon as I started to do research on it. For the first time I stopped blaming myself for everything, from being somewhat not social too demanding to spend more time together without other people. Like a lot of you out there, he hasn't had a steady job in years and when he did something always happened that he was either laid off or left.
I had a miscarriage on mother’s day this year, would have been my (our) first child. He was supportive from beginning to end. He's really a nice guy and has never cheated on my, which is something I can't say about my exes. Things got really bad about 2 years ago, luckily he was open to couple’s therapy. We've been going for 2 years now and I'm pissed that his ADHD wasn't seen. I mean he's text book, forgetting everything, not keeping up with things, starting one thing and on to the next without finishing the first one. Getting angry and agitated over nothing, difficult for him to see my point of view. In any case the therapy has worked a little, he’s able to speak more about what he is feeling. But I can’t help to feel angry, there could have been progress these 2 years if they had somehow seen his ADHD. Also it sucks that whenever we had an assignment to better our relationship I was always the one to actually follow up, he would always do it wither because I reminded him or it was the therapist did.
Again, he is a really nice guy, but I always said that he’s a nice and great guy to everyone but me. I’m turning 34 this year and I’m high risk to have a baby. Also menopause comes around the age of 40 in my family, so this feels like it’s over. Knowing that he has ADHD and our kids could also have is hard. I am tired, exhausted of carrying this relationship. Is it fair to end a relationship because of this? I mean, I gave him the best years of my life. Now to star again to form a solid relationship and have a child is so difficult. Having no friends or social circle doesn’t help me either. The funny thing here is that if we split, he will be a-okay. He will find someone super-fast, forget about our 9 years and move on. While I will be in a pit sadness, trying to build myself up again. I know he won’t do it on purpose…
I’m sorry I’m all over the place, I just don’t know what to do. I’m stuck, I give up, I’m tired and it’s not fair. I love him and don't want to leave him. But, I don't know what to do...
Hi lola
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Is it fair to end a relationship because of this?
I just want to say that the only person you have to be fair to is yourself. Your reasons are your reasons... and they are valid because they matter to you.
In general, I am so sorry to read about what you are going through and so glad you finally decided to share. There is something about getting it out there that helps just a little! The people on these message boards really understand where you are coming from. I hope you can find some comfort in that.
I wish I could offer you some advice, but only you know what is right for you. I can tell you I have a child (11) with my ADHD husband. While I would never trade her and I love her more than I knew I could love anyone, parenting with him has been a nightmare. Adding a child was definitely to tipping point for his ADHD. He simply could not handle the extra responsibility in his life. He is, in fact, not a parent to her in any way other than in name. He asks her how she is as she walks by him and that is it. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it's not. I can't tell you how exhausting it is to parent alone and then to deal with the daily extra baggage untreated ADHD brings to the mix (making extra messes, breaking promises, impulsive verbal outbursts that now not only hurt me, but our child). Having said that... once again... I wouldn't go back in time and not have her, but it hasn't been easy. You were brave enough to share your story so I will be brave enough to say something I have never said out loud... I always wanted a second child, but did not pursue having one once I saw what an absolutely miserable co-parent he was. I am in my 40s and now it is too late, but I know that I did the right thing for this situation. But that makes me very sad.
What about going for a few sessions of therapy just for you... to figure out what is right for YOU, not in the context of the relationship? My therapist recommended I broaden my support system. It is hard, but if you can get out there and join a group or club, it might help you gain a new perspective. I have taken the advice and started to form kernels of new friendships and I see that there are good people out there. My world had become so small and I forgot I had options besides day-in, day-out misery. I lost myself.
On the plus side, your SO was willing to go to therapy with you, so maybe he will also be open to tackling ADHD now that you have a reason for many of the issues in your relationship.
Wishing you all the best. Hugs.
I'm sorry
Submitted by lolaguzman on
Hi Melody,
Thank you so much for making me feel that I'm not alone. I am sorry for what you are going through, I can only imagine how drained and depleted you are. Thank you for being brave and sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings about children. It’s no easy to say something that it’s almost taboo. I’m sorry for you not being able to have a second child. I am truly sorry; I won’t say “hey at least you have one child” because I know it still hurts. In a way your options were taken away from you. That’s why I will just say I’m sorry, I understand.
I talked to him about me going to therapy alone and he agreed that it was a good idea. I’ll also follow your advice on finding groups, I might look for knitting or reading groups. I’m hoping it will help me. I will focus more on me and see ultimately what is it that I need.
Wish you had more help and didn’t feel this way. I know it’s not much but thank you. A big hug to you.
I am so glad you're here
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I know what it is like to feel alone and I am so happy you are here and felt brave enough to post. I can tell you that when I followed my therapist's advice and joined a weekly group, it brought me so much joy. When I am there, I actually forget about my circumstances. It is all about me doing something I like to do just for me. It is honestly a feeling I completely forgot! I am so accustomed to working, running the household, being the only parent duty and doing ADHD damage control. Breaking away a little and seeing that it doesn't have to be my life 100% of the time has helped a ton. My therapist said that if I am considering leaving (I am when the time is right), having a support network is crucial. She said some women build one so strong that when they leave, it is almost... easy. They have already built their own single life with support and activities and very little actually has to change for them (vs. someone getting divorced and starting to build it from the ground up at that point when they are also emotionally spent). And if you decide to stay, it's still great. Now that I am doing it (and plan to add in some more me-things), I can see she was right.
I know you didn't say it, but you're right... at least I have one child. I am really fortunate and I can't even imagine being in your situation where you feel like the choices you make now could dictate whether or not you get to have children at all. I am so sorry for the decisions you are facing. I have said before and often feel that there are no good options for the spouse of someone with (un- or mis-managed) ADHD. Every path has severe consequences or negatives for us (staying, leaving, having or not having a child, etc.). As much as I am trying to not feel like a victim and to take control of my own life, it is hard when every avenue seems as murky as the next. I really understand how you must feel while at the same time dealing with a loss. :(
Thanks so much for your kind words of understanding. It meant a lot on another hard day where my entire morning was essentially spent managing fallout from his symptoms. Your words helped more than you know!
What is best for you.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree with what Melody said about you doing what is best for you.
Having a child is an amazing and rewarding experience. Bringing a child into a marriage that has problems could add to your stress, especially if that child has ADHD, and your husband is not treating his ADHD. When I was married, I seriously debated whether to have a second child. After our son was born, my husband became his "true self". Verbally and emotionally abusive to me, and controlling with finances, along with isolating me from my family. I debated having another child, because having one child together was enough of a responsibility. I took care of everything except mowing the lawn and taking out the trash. (All while working 40 hours a week.) Six years after our son was born, I gave birth to our daughter. I wouldn't trade them for anything.............
So, you need to take care of you. Perhaps if you went to a counselor for you, it would help.
Therapy might help...
Submitted by lolaguzman on
Hi Adele,
Thank you also for commenting on my post. For some reason I thought It would go unnoticed. I'm sorry about your husband (exhusband?). My exhusband was abusive in everyway and it was one of my worst times in my life. Like I told Melody, I think I will go to therapy alone and as a couple for his ADHD. I'm not what I used to be and hate feeling so depressed all the time. I always put myself second or third for everything and you guys are right. I need to take care of me. It won't be easy, it's not in me to be like that. Hopefully therapy helps. I hope things are better with you and your kids.
Thank you so much, warm regards.