In a marraige with someone who can't look to the future

I am in a marriage with someone with ADHD. 

He is a kind person, good with our kids, does do chores. BUT has no ability to deal with his money. Since our children were born he has twice drained his account to zero and not told me. Not because he has spent all his money but because he does not invoice. He is beyond stuck. He is a talented and intelligent person who will not take action, get a better job make more money. I like many spouses on this forum end up nagging him constantly. We fight about things he often gets defensive, shuts down or tells me he never wanted the responsibility of marriage and parenthood anyway. He calls me angry and says I have beaten up down and that is why he can't make anything of himself. I have financially supported him when he has had no money, I have gone back to work full time while he works from and gets to be with the kids all day -- even though I wanted to be the one to spend time with them, I have put him in touch with people who could help his career many times, I encourage him I spent hours trying to help him figure out his life. I feel unloved, unappreciated and really just overwhelmed with my demanding job, and a husband who threatens to leave me constantly and just can't seem to ever think past the present. Although like I said he is good with our kids. What kind of parent can he be if he has no ability to get himself together financially? 

Totally at a loss of what to do next. 

carathrace's picture

turn around

This is just my opinion, I could be wrong.

You say he's a good father.  He does the chores.  He still has a job (although it's not what you would like).  Have you read much of this forum?  A lot of us would give our eyeteeth for those.  Of course, comparing outsides to insides isn't a good idea.  What I'm saying is,  you do have some things to work with, if you want to work with them.

Have you read much about ADHD?  His symptoms make it well-nigh impossible to do some of the things you're expecting him to do.  ADHDs can't think past the present, it's their brain.  He probably can't do the invoice thing either.  It sounds like you are expecting him to be a "normal husband" (whatever that is) and he has ADHD, so he will never be that.  You ask, "What kind of parent can he be if he has no ability to get himself together financially".  Possibly a very good parent.  A lot of good parents don't manage money well.

One thing Melissa's book stresses, if your marriage is going to improve, you will have to stop nagging.  No more, none.

You don't mention it, but is his ADHD being treated by meds or counseling?  Are the two of you having counseling?  Have you read Melissa's book?  These are things I would recommend if you want to stay with him.  I think with help, you both could turn this around.

thanks for the comment

I do see your point. There is a lot that is good in my marriage and family and ways I am lucky. The ADHD is a new discovery. It was actually through talking to my husband's sister that I discovered what his long-term issues are -- ADHD runs in his family. So I am at the beginning of learning about it as is he. He may be starting meds and treatment soon. We'll have to see how he follows through on this. I guess I am trying to wrap my head around years of resentment and how it was a mental issue with him all along. It's hard to get accustomed to. And like I mentioned in my post what is hard is after years of pouring emotional and financial support is the being so undervalued by him and blamed. I am having trouble dealing with that. But like you said as I learn more and understand more about ADHD maybe there will be more hope. I do hate nagging and getting angry. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself anymore. I am normally a generous and patient person but I feel like I have become bitter. Thanks for reaching out.