Marriage break down. Any advice please.

Hi, I am new to this site.

At the age of 43 yrs I have only just been diagnosed with ADD. Like so many I always knew there was a problem but didn't understand what.

School years were really bad and i was constantly told that i was lazy, day dreaming, disorganized etc...! When i left school things started to get better and i was very good at my job as a fashion designer but could never deal with the paper work and social aspects that well. I got married to the love of my life 17 yrs ago and we were so much in love and had an intense and passionate courtship. We have been together a total of 23 yrs including dating. Pretty much as soon as we got married and started a family that is when the cracks started to appear. We have two lovely children of 8 and 13. Back came those feelings of self doubt, not being good enough, feeling put in the spot light because i wasn"t doing things properly, not being able to get on top of household bills and organizing family life, earning enough money. And the list could go on and on and on!

To cut a very long story short, my husband who does not have add has got sick and tired of taking the burden of looking after the third child in our marriage (me!) Over the years he has tried to make me aware of the way i was behaving and tried to get me to take on some responsibility for household stuff etc, but i would listen but not act on it. I didn't seem to realize the significance of what he was telling me. The more he has tried to point things out the more i have retreated into my shell and so the cycle will go round and round until 5 months ago he dropped me the bombshell that he no longer loved me and for his own well being and for our children, that he wanted a separation and wanted to move out.

It was around this time that I was shocked into finally realising that this is serious stuff and I needed to do some soul searching, which was how after months of councilling and seeing specialists that I have just been diagnosed with ADD. This is a huge relief for me on the one hand as it answers many of the problems I have had during childhood and ofcourse more recently in my marriage. I am so so sad that I did not get diagnosed when i was a child or even as a young adult as I have lost the love and respect of my darling husband who I still love and wish we could try to make a clean go of things with this knowledge i now have and understand. Sadly he is moving out in 4 weeks time and is able to calmly tell me that after 24 years together he definitly does not love me and does not want to try again as he feels too exhausted and hurt by the years of my ADD behaviour.

I feel so gutted and lonely. I live in the UK where there is not as much help and advice as there is in the USA. Not only am i grieving for the lost happy childhood i could have had at school if my parents and teachers had picked up on this, but i am grieving daily for a marriage that could have been if i knew about this condition. My parents refuse to have anything to do with this diagnosis and will not support me. My husband is trying to be understanding to a point and is happy for me that i have got this diagnosis off my own back but repeatedly tells me that it does not affect his decision as it is too late.

I have just bought your book Melissa, ADHD affect on Marriage and he says he will read it before he leaves our home to move out in 4 weeks. I have read it and it could be explaining my own marriage to the letter. Sorry to ramble. No one can make my husband love me again but i am having a really tough time accepting and dealing with it now knowing the reasons behind many of the behaviours. By the way no one else is involved in the relationship and he has not left me for anyone else. I am not a nasty or mean person and have not been knowingly and purposefully disrespectful and rude, lazy etc... in our marriage but it has seemed like that to my husband.

Any advice would be so welcome please.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post in a rambling ADD way :) !