Marriage at an end

It has finally come to an end.  I had to get him to leave last night.  It all started because I made the comment that I wished he would have turned the ice maker on when he had mixed himself a drink so that we would have ice now.  And then he goes on to say that he doesn't know how to turn it on or off or if it is even on or off and I had to explain to him that if the green light is on,  it's on and if it's off, it's off.  Then he asked me why it was off and I had to explain that if you did not turn it off then the freezer would be overflowing with ice and that I would expect that anyone would know that and then he starts shouting "no, no.  Go ask a stranger off the street and see that no most everyone doesn't know how an ice maker works."  He continued screaming at me and saying that I was crazy.  My 9-year-old was here and I asked him to please stop shouting and he wouldn't, so I asked him to please leave and he continues shouting and grabs some of his stuff and leaves.  So I think he is gone and then I see him walking through the yard to the front door and I run to the door to lock it and I try to shut it and he shoves it open and knocks me against the wall in between the door and wall and hurts both my elbows, so my daughter gets the phone and I call 911 and he still continues shouting and they tell me to stay on the phone.  He says "yeah, I know everybody at the sheriff's office. who are you talking to?"  And I'm crying and the man tells me to stay on the phone that they are sending someone.  My husband grew up in this town and is related to the sheriff, so I am a little worried about that factor.  He had told me before that he could do whatever he wanted and not get into trouble and that he knows all the highway patrol also because he worked out with them at the gym and that he can drink and drive, carry a concealed weapon or whatever he wants to do.  He has been drinking for a while to self medicate and I hid the liquor bottle from him, so I am assuming he needed a drink.  His meds that the psychiatric nurse gave him for anxiety stress disorder (that is what she diagnosed him with after about 30 minutes and a few questions on a sheet of paper) are not working and haven't been for a while.  He says it is all me and all that is wrong with him is having a nagging ungrateful wife.  He says I am the one that is crazy.  I have concluded that if I don't stop this situation, he may drive me crazy.  I told him that I couldn't let him drive me crazy because my daughter needs her mother, so we just need to divorce and that makes him even madder.  He says it is all my fault.  I have no one to talk to.  The counselor that we saw together is sympathetic to him (she has ADD also), so I really don't know what to do at this point.  Just wanted to vent as I have no one to turn to as he is telling everyone, even my own family that he does no wrong and that it is all me.  Thanks for listening.

Surely your family does not

Surely your family does not believe him that he does no wrong! My family was ready to strangle my husband on more than one occasion, even though they love him and treat him like he is blood-related.

Get some space between the two of you. Two months worth of space and some hellish fights was what drove me to decide I was DONE DONE DONE and when I decided that, he decided he either changed with me or he got left behind. I know it feels so hopeless and he seems so out of control right now, but maybe this is his 'rock bottom'. If you can make him stay gone then do it. Give yourself time to decide what is best for you and your daughter (children?) and let him go out and wallow in it somewhere. He has to feel some consequences of his actions...and if he's angry that you've asked him to leave, blaming you for dear life, then somewhere deep down I feel he still cares and wants the marriage to work...and that's what it will take for him to change. He needs to get treatment...and get on the right meds.

Just take a deep breath...this could be the end...but it could also be the wake-up call he needs. You have far more power over your life than you understand...use it to your advantage. Let your child be your motivation, if that's what it takes. A night similar to yours, where my 11 year old (then) daughter witnessed his explosive (and my explosive) anger was the final straw for me.

Praying for you and your family! PLEASE keep us posted! We are here for you!

Thank you so much!

Your words brought tears to my eyes because someone actually understands.  Last night was the last straw.  He has been sending me emails all day saying that it is all my fault and I am crazy and he will prove that I am crazy and I am scared to death.  My daughter is my world and I should have had him leave long ago.  He goes around this town like he is the mayor or something, shaking everyone's hands and smiling and everyone thinks he is just wonderful.  It's scary because it's like he has all the power and I have none.  I have little money and a part-time job (thanks to him.  Because of constantly having to fix his mess ups, they demoted me to part time at work).  He is related to the police here and like I said everyone in this town knows him.  He and his ex wife have been fighting with her going to sue for child support and he tells me that she called him today and apologized for everything that she had ever done to him while they were married.  The reality is that he probably called her because he wants to make up with her because he doesn't want 2 child support cases against him at one time.  He has told his mom and dad that I am crazy, but he says the same thing about his ex, never thinking that maybe he is the one that is making us this way.

He is gone and hopefully will come with the cops to get the rest of his stuff.  I called and made an appointment with a therapist but it is the same one that we were seeing together that has ADD herself.  He told me today that she had told him in his counseling sessions that he should leave me, so I want to know from her if indeed she said that.

Thank you for your kind words.  My daughter is my #1 priority in this crazy mess.  I feel better knowing that there are actually people who understand what I am going through.

 

Boy...his behavior WREAKS of

Boy...his behavior WREAKS of desperation. I am going to call BS on a lot of it. Yeah, sure...his ex called him coincidently TODAY and apologized for all of HER wrongs...HINT HINT 'you need to do the same'. Wow, could he be more obvious and more pathetic? I've seen it all before...been there, done that...burned that bridge, never to cross it again.

My husband's family has hated me/blamed me for everything for YEARS..and I could NOT care less. They haven't walked a mile in my shoes and they can kiss my @$$. I am SOOO happy to be old enough and wise enough to quit caring about people who don't matter..and what their opinions of me are..well, I care about even less. He has nothing to do with any of them since his Momma died...and I'm glad.

HAD to laugh at the "my counselor told me to leave you" comment. What a crock..and again a pathetic attempt to 'validate' himself and deflect blame on YOU. You are going to have to get a thick skin, sister...because you'll get a lot of this until he finally decides to take a look at himself and his responsibility for the problems in the marriage. Don't waste your time or energy replying to his e-mails or explaning yourself..or blaming him. It doesn't matter. If he's going to hit bottom and feel what he needs to feel, the desperation, then he needs to hear only from you that you're not living this way anymore and he can either accept his part of the problems and get help or he can move along.

My husband was good with the threats and when he got really desperate he would sometimes 'worry' me too...but you have to take it for what it is. He is hitting bottom. He is scared. He is furious that he cannot control you. He will "punish" you as long as he feels he's being effective. Ignore him, spend some well needed PEACEFUL time with your daughter, and don't make yourself accessible to him to be his verbal punching bag. (((HUGS)))

Thanks for the hugs!! I sure needed one.

I know that I need to just not react because that is what he wants me to do.  I have to get the locks changed tomorrow.  The scary thing is that you and I can see what he is doing but he honestly thinks he can say things like that and no one would notice what is going on.  Like I am sure she just called him up out of the blue.  She has been calling him and cussing him and now all of a sudden, the day after he leaves me, she calls and is being nice.  Right.  See, I have told him a 1000 times that I am not stupid (unfortunately) and that I can see things but his reply is always "yeah, you are the smartest person around Crystie."  Thanks for your advice and just reading my post and listening to me.  I so need friends right nows.  I am on f His mom let it slip that he was on facebook about a couple of weeks ago which is news to me because we had both agreed to not be on it.  I just checked out his facebook page and he has 800 and something friends with a ton of them single women with bleached out blonde hair seeking men.  Now I know what he has been doing at the office while he is supposedly working.  He has been facebooking and drinking.  Disgusting.  It really it.  Good to know that I made the right decision.  

Thanks again for the hug!!!

First, don't take the

First, don't take the attitude that "he left you"...you asked him to leave and you did what is right for you and your little girl. You know he's lying...it is a common problem...and you just need to take it for what it is worth.

I tried to find you on FB, but there are a LOT of people with your same name. Do you have a profile picture you could describe? A couple have maiden names beside of them, does yours?

Hang in there..you're doing the best thing you can do for everyone involved. Weather to storm of lies and hurtful words he'll throw your way and you'll truly know where you stand in this man's life after that. The stuff he's got going on with FB would REALLY worry me. My husband had a FB, that is where his affair grew its roots (friended an old high school friend), and he had a TON of female friends as well. That is something he would NEVER tolerate from me. It is a very long ugly story, but I have given up a LOT of things in the internet for him, one of which our counselor was shocked that he had a problem with (private group of just 6 females..very dear friends), so I put my foot down and refused to give up my FB. I have made a lot of sacrifices for him, and he knows it. It is my only means of keeping in touch with family and friends and I don't have very many friends on there as it is...my choice. I do not cheat, I would not cheat, and he needs to trust me at some point.

((HUGS))

Comment

I have my email set up to alert me when comments are made and I got an alert that my ex had commented on here and I went to the link and it's not here.  So does that mean he erased it you think?  Thanks for any info.

Forum is moderated

We moderate the forum for things that are posted that don't comply with our posting rules - so that's how it got taken down.  Also, if you  come across a post that you think is inappropriate, you can "flag" it which removes it immediately for review - we then decide whether to repost it or not (if it fits our posting rules).  See rules at the bottom of any comments page.

Update

Afraid to post on here any more as ex has found this forum somehow and apparently was writing inappropriate things on here. 

Don't post personal info

Hi - in the future, please don't post identifying information like Facebook info, emails addresses, etc - see posting rules.

Hi SherriW13

I was just reading your comments again.  (edited out)? 

 

Thanks!!

separated - spent time with someone else

my ADHD spouse of 19 years, has finally driven me over the edge with his lack of "time" or "forgetting" about his part in getting help that he repeatedly says he's going to do. So we have separated and I have been with another person, who fullfilled the emotional and physical needs that have been empty for so long - which is against everything i ever stood for. it seems i have lost my mind and have gone off the deep end. i am lost now, and am over this person as it was clearly not a real thing to begin with. should i refocus on the marriage, or is this a wake up call that i've been done with it a long time ago, or i am now suffering the effects of living with this disease and was or in an altered living state and need help?    

spent time with someone else?!?

Christine- I am sure that many would disagree with me on this (and Lord knows I am no expert), but I have to look at this from a non-ADD perspective.  You are a woman and you were made for love.  I don't think you can be "driven over the edge" to step out on your spouse.  That's a decision that you made.  I DO think, however that it is more than a teensy bit possible that when you live with someone who is not responsive to you emotionally for many years, that it invariably leaves you open and vulnerable to the advances of others.  Can anyone blame you if you figuratively get beaten about the head everyday, that you might want to experience what life is like NOT being beaten about the head everyday?  And you might think, "This not getting beaten about the head everyday thing is kind of nice".  Maybe you haven't lost your mind;  maybe you are making a desperate attempt to regain it.  The problem here seems to be that stepping out on your husband is unacceptable to you.  Of course, "unacceptable" is always situation dependent.  You were starving; so you ate.  Now that you aren't so hungry, maybe you can think clearly about whether or not you want to leave a certain person in charge of the food source : ).  I- for one- admire both your morality (19 years!) and your spunk.

ebb and flow's picture

cheating

First off, when two people separate there is a chance that either could choose to be with someone else. That's the risk you take separating. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

My personal opinion on cheating while the marriage is still intact is that if you are THAT DONE that you must go outside the marriage and be with another person... maybe it is time to call the whole thing off. :( To dream of yourself with someone more caring, loving, affectionate, etc. is one thing but to actually do it is another! Commitment is commitment.

I have crossed MANY of my own personal boundaries in this ADD relationship but I strongly believe going outside the marriage/relationship to find what you need emotionally/sexually is sort of a deal breaker-- ADD or no ADD.

I wont even go for coffee with someone I find attractive because I know in my heart I'd be emotionally cheating because I'm starved for that attention right now... :/    (Though I've dreamt it) :(

That's just me though... :)

fuzzylogic72's picture

like i said before..

The world (adhders or not) needs more people like you. I think many people regard commitment as conditional; but that's the opposite of true commitment. 

You're human. We all have

You're human. We all have done things in the moments of desperation that we wish we could take back 1000 times. It doesn't matter so much that you did it, it is what you choose to do about it that matters. If it made you realize you couldn't be with your husband anymore, then don't. If it made you realize how much you do still love him, then try and work things out. There is no sense in beating yourself up about it. I admit that I have imagined many times what it would be like to be with someone whose emotions and feelings were more stable.

waynebloss's picture

Right Now...

As of today it has been almost a year since my wife and I have had sex, it has been since July that she has kissed me, since Aug since I have heard the words I Love You, since Oct since I have had a hug from her.  I am the one with ADD not her, but this has come about by both of us almost destroying our marriage. I will tell you that I do miss the physical aspect of this marriage, I miss the words of kindness and even miss the hugging and the kissing. We are separated now, I am living downstairs and she is upstairs...we do not talk about anything except the kids.  When she or I go out, there is no communication about when, where, with who or what time we will return!  I can understand why it happen and sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to be hugged, kissed or even more by another woman?  I kind of agree with Sheri, it happen so you cannot take the past back but what are you doing about how it made you feel?  The next steps or 2 will be the most important for you and I wish you luck in your decision for it will be a hard one!! 

For me, I am still fighting for this marriage and understand about the time needed for healing!  We have caused each other great deal of pain and time is needed for the wounds to heal.  I know that if I was to wonder out of the marriage that it would be over, and right now, today , I do not want my marriage to be over.  Guess that is the decision that you have to make...you are in my prayers!

 

Wayne

In Denial & Backsliding - I am ready for a separation too

He stopped taking his Adderall b/c he "doesn't like the way it makes him feel" and he "can't sleep". Does he go to the psychiatrist to try to get an alternative? No. I told him I noticed for weeks now that his symptoms are back full force, and he is in total denial of that FACT. I have re-iterated to him many times that I can only speak to the way I feel, and I feel like we're back on the battlefield again. His symptoms are that he's extremely defensive, will argue something to the death, continues to twist my words, can't remember reality, almost constant interruptions, forgets a lot, etc etc etc.

After he was diagnosed, he dealt with the shock of it, and started seeing a psychiatrist, a therapist, a marriage counselor, etc. He talked a really good game about wanting to change, wanting us to be happy again, etc. He got on meds, and I saw a HUGE change in him. I saw him slow down, and think before he spoke. I saw him pause before he would interrupt. I saw the impulsiveness almost disappear. I saw him take notice of other people in the room. I saw a genuine interest in coming together as a family. So, with his symptoms starting to get under control, we started working on other aspects of our relationship. I started to work on my reactions, interactions, not personalizing the ADHD, etc. (I haven't stopped working on it.) However, a very disappointing pattern has again developed, where I take the reigns full force working on me until I feel like I've exhausted every avenue of change within my self, yet he sits back and waits to see what little he can get away with.

He currently does not have a plan on how to deal with his symptoms, b/c "I don't think my symptoms are contributing as much to the problems as your being distant are." He started to get into percentages with me - "symptom, response, response......33%, 33% 33%."

We bought the book, are almost done with the couples course, and things are just getting worse. I honestly feel like I've given this 100% of my effort. I have reached a plateau within myself, and like the analogy in Melissa's course says: As a couple standing in quicksand, while holding hands, as you work on yourselves, you both float up together............but if one of you stops floating up, then you reach a point where neither of you can float up any more..........and the connection will break. That's where I am.

"However, a very

"However, a very disappointing pattern has again developed, where I take the reigns full force working on me until I feel like I've exhausted every avenue of change within my self, yet he sits back and waits to see what little he can get away with."

It's scary how similar the experiences are of so many of us "married to ADD" spouses.  This topic has been on my mind this morning.  I told my husband that I spend seven days a week thinking about and working on my problems, my behavior, his life, his problems, our relationship, etc., and he, well, he doesn't.  He spends four days a week helping his parents, which is a TRULY WONDERFUL thing, because they need the help, but he admitted that he sees this time as an escape from having to think about or work on his own issues.  And when he's at home, he has a part-time job and is thinking about that while he's working and then when he's at home and not working, he's twiddling his thumbs.  So frustrating!  My husband said that he is at core a rational person, and I asked him to use his rational side to examine my situation and decide if I've put up with too much.  I think I have.  I've given up on him changing.

 

update

Well, I am back on here because apparently he found my post and is upset about it.  He just sent me an email that says "yeah, Thanks!!"  whatever that is supposed to mean.  He has turned into an alcoholic but won't admit it.  His mom just jumped on it for drinking and looking horrible and his dad told him to stay away from the table.  He is huge.  He is still having memory problems and following through with things.  One of his employees dinged my car while mowing (he apparently was mowing the rocks) about 5 to 6 months ago and he has yet to get it fixed.  He told me that he had gotten in touch with the garage and was getting it fixed tomorrow.  This after I said I guess I could take him to small claims court and get it paid as I had the proof that his employee did it.  There is a fence laying out in a pile that he got from someone over 6 months ago that I told him would never get put up and I was right as it is still laying there.  The kids pool which I told him to please clean and let dry before he put it up for the winter is still out in the big trash can that he stuffed it in last fall, moldy and nasty and it will never be gotten out.  The gutters still leak and the front porch is still unfinished.  So, I figure he is reading this but it isn't anything that he doesn't know.  He doesn't want to take responsibility for anything and has an excuse for everything.  I wish he would read some of the stuff that these men have written on here that have lost their wives.  I did ask him the other day if he would go to an ADHD coach that I found and he said no, of course and started getting defensive saying he was taking medicine that a doctor gave him.  I have just given up on him getting any help for the ADHD.  That is why I haven't been on here in so long.  It's the drinking that is bad now.  I just honestly try to avoid him and avoid fights and hope that he takes a look at himself and changes, but I don't imagine that happening.  I imagine him getting mad like he is now that anyone would have the nerve to say something bad about it.  I just am not fighting with him any longer, you know?  I just can't.  I wish things could be different but he won't acknowledge anything that he has done.  All these things that I have posted about him doing and not doing is true but he thinks it is no big deal for some reason.  He doesn't realize that it isn't ordinary.  I guess because he has been that way all his life and that is just the way it is. his life could be so different but he thinks I am the one that is making his life hell, not realizing it is him that is making his life hell.  Thanks for listening.