So I don’t really know where to start but I just need some advice please-
So currently partially broke up with husband- he’s at his mums & im at home with the kids. So bit of back story- we’ve been together nearly 10 years, he had ADHD diagnosed but decided he doesn’t want meds but has smoked weed all his life (has cut down from all day everyday to 1 on a night but now it’s more like 2/3 a day from later afternoon- he’s tried numerous times to fully stop but can’t and says it’s his release and coping mechanism). We’ve had a turbulent marriage to say the least- no cheating but he has not always put me first in the sense of- chatting to younger women in the local shop then adding them on social media knowing full well they fancy the pants off him, following explicit pages or more directly girls on Instagram that I find disrespectful, had a small (short amount of time) cocaine addiction which I had a feeling about but everyday when I questioned him has he taken it he made out I was a psychopath & not at all- eventually a few weeks down the line he got caught out and had to confess- was obvs never gonna tell me. I haven’t been innocent- I’ve had my own depression & anxiety due to previous relationship my ex left me for his boss & then both my parents died (4 years apart) whilst I was with husband but before I was 30- in now 32. So yeah traumatised me tbh. Husband has never held down a longterm job and had quite often just walked out of said jobs & left us in the shit financially so we’ve never been able to save or get in front because finance are always so short- I’ve also failed and not got a back up career- went to uni as an adult but I’ve never done anything with it as I’ve always just had small low income jobs and been there for kids as he tends to work away with his work and we live in an area with no family and few friends etc no added childcare which actually we wouldn’t have if we lived at ‘home’ anyway because the last living grandparent pays no interest in said grandchild or me. So we’ve separated a few times (this is the 3rd) and every time he goes back home, opens up to his mum who then informs the whole family about how awful I am & then they hate me & I spend the next year trying to get them to like me. So me & my ways- so I’m not innocent- never cheated on him, I don’t have a a great income but I always contribute what I can- I don’t really drink or take drugs etc but I have most definitely emotional abused him at times- called him a waste of space & said he doesn’t provide because if I’m honest at times he doesn’t- well actually most of the time he doesn’t because he has weeks off work, days off work when he wants (sometimes cba with work on a Monday), I think there’s just lots of resentment towards him tbh- he says he goes into these spirals because of me and I’m just not sure tbh- my head is mashed & I question my own sanity tbh.
So moving on….This break has basically spiralled- it’s a mess. Over December he worked less (his boss is a bit of jerk-like if he needs a Friday off he makes him take the whole week off self employed so loses a weeks wage when all he needed was one day) so anyway throughout December a he’s lost a lot of money, had no back up finances so I’ve used my savings to keep the house running, Christmas etc for the kids, his family, him & bought my own presents he didn’t buy one single thing but still managed to buy weed or tick it with the money he had- this obviously upset me- I said even if it had been a small jar with something thoughtful/homemade it would have been nice but tbh he just doesn’t think like that- he doesn’t do romantic things, organise dates, book nights away etc nothing at all that’s all me- I am the organiser- he doesn’t even sort his own bills etc and if left to do so they are paid late etc. and I think because he hasn’t had the money he’s gone into self loathe mode- the lack of routine etc and I tried to be nice at first & be like look I’ve sorted everything but he was just cold & miserable & it’s ground me down tbh- he was sleeping in all the time, moping around the house, being generally miserable & down even though he actually had a readymade sorted Christmas cos I’ve done everything- he helped wrap a new presents, and joined in the festive fun- so to name a few- I paid & booked a weekend away, we had a Santa visit in a steam train, saw Santa at the garden centre & then went back home to a caravan holiday with hottub over Christmas all paid for by me because he’d had time off work- so it’s important to note one of the weeks he had off was for a course which he passed to better himself at work- this is the second time he’s done it as failed the first one (it’s not an easy course) so that’s a week off unpaid too then they gave him no work the week after as there wasn’t any. Anyway the moping because too much along with the sleeping in & the tit for tatting at each other and then one big shouting match & he packed his bag & walked out & went to his mums which is where he’s been since last Monday. Part of the week he’s been working away (from weds) but then had chose to go back to his mums instead of coming home this weekend- it’s a been a messy weekend- so he had early finish Friday & I just had in my head that he’d come home as he was telling me he had minimal to do at work etc but he had txt to say he’d come home Saturday- anyway spoke to him Friday & his brother was there (so now mum knows, brother knows too) I said how ‘oh I thought you were gonna surprise me and come home’ obvs he wasn’t and this is my fault for thinking it. The more the night went on the more upset I got that he had an early finish but chose to not come home & sent a message saying I wasnt ready for him to come home Saturday but it was a long message that basically explained that actually I push you away because you always walk out & leave but reality is I just want you home- so Saturday comes & he doesn’t come home because out of all the giant message I sent he only read the words that I wasn’t ready for him to come home. Again my own doing. He never replied to the message on Friday to question it etc. so Saturday we bicker backwards & forwards but then Saturday night i FT him (important to note he only ever rings or txts me if it’s about the kids- he would never ask to come home or say he misses me etc- in fact he’s admitted he doesn’t miss me- yet) we speak & I cry lots but we’re open & get on- I then message & say will you come see me tomorrow please- he say it will confuse the kids as they think I’m working away- I say they won’t be confused cos they’ll think you’ve finished work early- he then says he’s no money for petrol- I say I’ll pay- he then says that he’s not ready & made plans with his mum- so I say we’ll id just really appreciate the comfort tbh & don’t want to go 2 weeks without seeing him but now I feel like he’s making excuses & im giving solutions but still he doesn’t want to come home- in the end he just said he won’t be coming home until next Friday & that I need to suck it up as he’s not budging on it. I just cried myself to sleep & have woken up wondering what I should do- it’s also important to note that every time this is the cycle- he walks out, I beg him back & he then decides when he wants to come back but it’s never when I ask- always when he’s ready etc. I’ve tried to explain to him this last week and next week he’s gone to his mums so he has the space to analyse everything- mum cooks & washes for him- he has no responsibilities apart from working whereas I still have to function daily with the kids/house/bills/ normal life etc whilst not actually opening up to anyone because I cba explaining all this mess to someone so I’m just doing it all alone. Also like to add youngest child has SEN so life is never easy with him- doesn’t sleep well, gets up early, can’t be left alone, poo smears etc so actually for me the weekend is so important cos I battle this on my own all week so having extra hands on a weekend is what I live for tbh so to find out he won’t be home has really upset me as you can imagine- I did explain this to husband & said you know the excitement we all have for Daddy coming home is massive & we all buzz off it. All he can say is that I have made him feel sad, depressed, unloved, unworthy etc but says due to ADHD he can’t pinpoint what I’ve done as he doesn’t keep a list. I know that maybe I have- I have said things that aren’t nice but he has also done things that aren’t nice- that make me feel insecure & unwanted etc but I don’t hold a lifetime grudge against him.
When we are good we are amazing- great team, happy, have the best laughs, when my parents died he was there for me- sorting the kids out & having them whenever etc cuddled me & stayed up with me whilst I cried etc albeit the cocaine incident was at the same time as one parent dying and he says it was because he was a mess too and knew he couldn’t put on me because I was grieving.
I know this is huge- I’m sorry & thank you if you’ve read to the end- I am happy to elaborate more if needed. I just want to fix my marriage- I want to be happy & be a family. Please help. Why won’t my husband just come home & support me?