Marriage, Love and Lies

Hello Group,

 

Well firstly let me introduce myself, I am a 35 year old male recently diagnosed with severe ADHD here in the UK.

Now here in the UK there isn't really the support network that some of you have in the US, or that many forums so this is how I've found myself here, so story so far.

 

Basically over most my adult life I have had numerous relationships never lasting more than around 2 years or as short as 1 month also had as many jobs i would say often getting bored and frustrated with work and life in general. I met my current partner now wife around 5 years ago in a bar where i met most previous partners often away on some sort of illegal drug at the time, we started dating and things were going well for the first year as always did, drug fueled weekends of fun and going out etc.

Now as things slowed down, stopped the drugs and going out as much around 2/3 years into the relationship, my severe lack of wanting to be intimate comes along with wanting to talk or anything really we have our rows I generally back down and say will change and start by promising the world etc and lavish my partner with gifts ( I think am a passive yes person ),  this repeats its self several times in the relationship until around 18 months ago where we have a argument I again promise to change the world with more sex, intimacy and look to seek advice this time as I known am different but not why (speaking quickly, never able to sit still, fast thought processes etc etc), so i seek advise from a CBT as she advises that its not CBT i need but i have in fact ADHD and puts me in touch with my current phycartrist, once I had seen her basically she amazed I have gone so far without diagnosis, Full severe ADHD am told, so my partner then says well I thought this from day one.

 

Ok so we start with the meds and after around 4 months in we split up again this time i move out for 3 months, still taking and trialing different meds until we find Antomixitine works best for me apart from some side effects were on a winner here great, so me and partner agree a holiday to NYC for a week have an amazing time come back full of happy thoughts, agree we should move back together so do and i promise for children, sex and marriage ( the relationship was referred to at this point by both of us it being like living with a sibling as opposed to partner)

Ok nearly up to date, from around 11 months ago now we get engaged in may and i start looking for a new job in NYC for us to move too, find the perfect job we on such a high everything is going great ( still no sex (10 months now) or much intimacy ) and bam i get the job!!, so for us to go together we get married 3 moths ago, still talking the talk on kids and intimacy.

 

now current day,

 

I woke up a few weeks ago to BAM what's going on???...........................am married, promised my now wife kids, intimacy and a life we/she has always dreamed of.

I haven't a clue what's going on, did i actually want any of this or did I just start another roller coaster which is my life so far, so I've been looking at my life as much as possible often with many sleepless nights sat there thinking what have i done to this person?, I do love her and wish her no harm! but married, kids and intimacy? did i actually want any of this or did i just do it all to please her?, 

 

I have no idea of what i want?

I have no idea of what makes me happy any more or don't think i ever have?

Should i leave this poor women to get on with her life?

What am i actually doing?

 

 

I do know i love her but doubt i can give her what's she wants children wise or to feel like i can have the feeling s that she wants and deserves, she thinks that moving will change how i feel/think but i trust it will just be another hyper focus and roller coaster for me to get on constantly pleasing her and everyone lese until this or something likes this happens again,

 

 

Am at a complete loss of how i am supposed to feel or think and have thought a few times about suicide just to get out of it all as it seems like such a big mess, we still havent had sex been around 18 months i think

 

 

I would really like anyones thoughts on the above

 

 

Thanks

Jud 

 

A few questions...Why do

A few questions...

Why do you have no desire for sex? Even when my severely affected ADHD husband is at his lowest, sexually, it is still at least once a month or so. Are you substituting other things (porn, masturbation) where you should be including your wife in your life? Are you not attracted to her? 

Why are you so afraid of failing when you aren't even willing to try, it seems? 

CBT therapy IS good for someone with ADHD because it can help you 'retrain' (for lack of a better word) some of your thought processes...like your current state of panic over the life choices you've made.

I see a lot of this in my husband...or at least I suspect he has his "panic" moments too...which leads to horrible, hurtful behaviors not the least of which is cheating on me. You recognize you're freaking out, but do you recognize that it is probably just part of your ADHD and a sign that it isn't being controlled very well? Could be that you need a new medication, you need your current medication tweaked, you need CBT...could be a lot of things. You owe it to your wife to recognize what you're doing and take control of the situation now before you make a choice or say things that cannot be taken back and that you may live to regret.

 

Hi Sherri,   I don't honestly

Hi Sherri,

 

I don't honestly know, i have no desire no sex, kissing or anything, I recognize whens she sad or had a bad day so give her a hug not because i want to or feel i have to, just because its right to do. I don't look at porn nor am i cheating with her, i don't know if its an attraction thing or not i just don't feel any desire too do the above.

Because i don't think i can give her what she needs and its feels like i do love her but not sure if am in love with her and have done things previously to stop her from being hurt and upset.

We don't get a great deal of support in the UK for adult ADHD and none or very little funding so am grateful for my current phy to see me as it is as she doesn't get time/paid to do so, i think she started it with me to prove a point that adults do have it, shes positive for me but cant offer counseling etc.

I thought the tabs were a miracle at first but now am aware if i w\nt to go in to hyper mode i can they just allow me not to 24/7 along with other things, i still find myself rushing round and hyper focusing a lot, i think and feel shes been through enough already as all the decisions she made were genuine based on my false lies ( honest lies ), 

i am think of time out for us both and i move out for a bit but this time bot going round all the time etc just so i can try and think straight ( i wish) so to see if i actually do want this life i have built or was it just based on me saying yes all the time to please her and everyone else so they wouldnt see my ADHD or think am not in control

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you leave because you're

If you leave because you're not sure what you want, you will destroy a part of your relationship that you'll never be able to reconstruct. I know people go through separations all the time but you've just recently been married, you're not intimate with her at all, and now you think leaving is the key to helping you decide whether you even want to be with her or not? Can you at least see what this is going to mean to her? Her perception won't be as yours is...it will be the beginning of the end of her faith in you as her husband. She'll struggle to ever trust you again...and if you decide you've made a mistake 1 week, 2 months, 6 months down the road she'll live everyday worrying that you'll do this again. Talk to your psychiatrist. Your ADHD is getting the best of you. If you don't love her, then leave. If you cannot give her what she needs, then leave. But don't leave because you feel you need to figure out what you want...leaving her hanging and hoping. I am speaking from experience...and until you treat this part of you that wants to RUN every time you're facing responsibility to another human being, then you're never going to be in a relationship that lasts more than a year or two. You are feeling somehow the grass is greener and you're dying for your 'freedom'...or what you feel is 'freedom' from her and your marriage. 

  I can see what your saying

 

I can see what your saying as we are just recently married, if this had been the first time it has happened I would totally agree the thing is that it isn't , found a ADHD life coach in the US and he has been emailing back and forth he believes that people with ADHD sometimes don't listen to there body's and this is the reason for no intimacy.

 

I do love her but to how much I don't know wife or sister like?

 

I don't think the grass is greener but know I am really tired of hurting her and others all the time by just agreeing  to what I think they want all the time, thus never thinking is it right or what I want

To be honest I don't know what is ADHD or not with me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

summerwine's picture

Did you guys have good sex at

Did you guys have good sex at the start? Have you had good sex with other women? Have you had your hormone levels and stuff checked?  I guess that I am asking if you usually have a low sex drive?

Hi Summer,   yes we did at

Hi Summer,

 

yes we did at first as with previous partners but i have put that down to taking drugs, once stop taking them i loose all desire for anything like that at all, am supposed to be getting my levels checked soon hopefully,

 

thanks