Well firstly let me introduce myself, I am a 35 year old male recently diagnosed with severe ADHD here in the UK.
Now here in the UK there isn't really the support network that some of you have in the US, or that many forums so this is how I've found myself here, so story so far.
Basically over most my adult life I have had numerous relationships never lasting more than around 2 years or as short as 1 month also had as many jobs i would say often getting bored and frustrated with work and life in general. I met my current partner now wife around 5 years ago in a bar where i met most previous partners often away on some sort of illegal drug at the time, we started dating and things were going well for the first year as always did, drug fueled weekends of fun and going out etc.
Now as things slowed down, stopped the drugs and going out as much around 2/3 years into the relationship, my severe lack of wanting to be intimate comes along with wanting to talk or anything really we have our rows I generally back down and say will change and start by promising the world etc and lavish my partner with gifts ( I think am a passive yes person ), this repeats its self several times in the relationship until around 18 months ago where we have a argument I again promise to change the world with more sex, intimacy and look to seek advice this time as I known am different but not why (speaking quickly, never able to sit still, fast thought processes etc etc), so i seek advise from a CBT as she advises that its not CBT i need but i have in fact ADHD and puts me in touch with my current phycartrist, once I had seen her basically she amazed I have gone so far without diagnosis, Full severe ADHD am told, so my partner then says well I thought this from day one.
Ok so we start with the meds and after around 4 months in we split up again this time i move out for 3 months, still taking and trialing different meds until we find Antomixitine works best for me apart from some side effects were on a winner here great, so me and partner agree a holiday to NYC for a week have an amazing time come back full of happy thoughts, agree we should move back together so do and i promise for children, sex and marriage ( the relationship was referred to at this point by both of us it being like living with a sibling as opposed to partner)
Ok nearly up to date, from around 11 months ago now we get engaged in may and i start looking for a new job in NYC for us to move too, find the perfect job we on such a high everything is going great ( still no sex (10 months now) or much intimacy ) and bam i get the job!!, so for us to go together we get married 3 moths ago, still talking the talk on kids and intimacy.
now current day,
I woke up a few weeks ago to BAM what's going on???...........................am married, promised my now wife kids, intimacy and a life we/she has always dreamed of.
I haven't a clue what's going on, did i actually want any of this or did I just start another roller coaster which is my life so far, so I've been looking at my life as much as possible often with many sleepless nights sat there thinking what have i done to this person?, I do love her and wish her no harm! but married, kids and intimacy? did i actually want any of this or did i just do it all to please her?,
I have no idea of what i want?
I have no idea of what makes me happy any more or don't think i ever have?
Should i leave this poor women to get on with her life?
What am i actually doing?
I do know i love her but doubt i can give her what's she wants children wise or to feel like i can have the feeling s that she wants and deserves, she thinks that moving will change how i feel/think but i trust it will just be another hyper focus and roller coaster for me to get on constantly pleasing her and everyone lese until this or something likes this happens again,
Am at a complete loss of how i am supposed to feel or think and have thought a few times about suicide just to get out of it all as it seems like such a big mess, we still havent had sex been around 18 months i think
I would really like anyones thoughts on the above