So, yesterday my ADHD boyfriend of almost three years comes to me and casually asks me if we should get married this Spring. While, I was open to the idea I said we should wait until after Spring as his sister is getting married in May and we had the usual talk about kids and timing and stuff like that. Well, we went from that yesterday to him asking me to leave today and here's why:
I had played stringed instruments on and off my whole life (violin, cello) but never professionally. When I first met my boyfriend who is a professional keyboardist, I joined his band that needed a violin player but soon afterwards the other two male members of the group starting being nasty to me (still can't figure out why exactly, although many people have put forth interesting theories), constantly correcting my playing etc., saying that I wasn't the best violinist they could find. I tried to take their comments in stride and assumed that if they found a more professional violinist that I would gladly step down. The problem was that my boyfriend never said a word to them about their behavior and sometimes when I would speak to either of the other men about how mean they were being he would take THEIR SIDE! Suffice it to say that after nearly 2 years of this I quit the band and stopped playing stringed instruments altogether as it was kind of traumatic experience ( I was pretty insecure to begin with which is why I probably never pursued anything professionally musically). Towards the end I had started giving my boyfriend cello lessons but when all of this drama went down and I decided to stop playing altogether so I stopped giving him lessons. He was fine with this, for a while. But recently another band he is in wants him to play a simple cello line on a recording and he's been practicing cello day in and day out and usually when I am asleep which wakes me up. But, I'm not going to be so catty as to say he can't play or practice, it's just kind of an emotional trigger for me, so I've been using ear plugs when he starts to practice. The problem is that he will come in the room for no apparent reason and wake me up again after this, he says to "check on me". This has been angering me every day because it's bad enough to be woken up each day with an emotional trigger but to have the presence of mind to handle it maturely and not say anything, but then have to deal with being woken up for no reason.
So I'm angry of course today about this after being woken up again for no reason after putting in ear plugs etc. and he has the audacity to get upset because I won't help his cello technique. I told him it's fine if he wants to practice/play but that right now I'm processing how I feel about everything and that I can't teach him or show him anything. Basically, when he plays I sequester myself in the back rooms of our apartment and try to ignore how I feel. He tells me that I should just "get over it" (this coming from a guy that gave up an entire jazz CAREER because of one comment a patron made at a gig) and that enough time has past (a little over a year). I told him that it sounds like he is trying to cloak his selfish motivations in "wisdom" so that he can get what he wants. Especially considering that he is one of the most sensitive people I have ever known and who can't handle people telling him how he should feel or how long for. So is he just a giant hypocrite? Is he extremely insensitive considering he was party to the original traumatic event and now has to deal with the consequences of that? Yes and yes. But now, he's asking me to leave. The day after he asked me to marry him. And he thinks I'm the crazy one.