So, yesterday my ADHD boyfriend of almost three years comes to me and casually asks me if we should get married this Spring. While, I was open to the idea I said we should wait until after Spring as his sister is getting married in May and we had the usual talk about kids and timing and stuff like that. Well, we went from that yesterday to him asking me to leave today and here's why:
I had played stringed instruments on and off my whole life (violin, cello) but never professionally. When I first met my boyfriend who is a professional keyboardist, I joined his band that needed a violin player but soon afterwards the other two male members of the group starting being nasty to me (still can't figure out why exactly, although many people have put forth interesting theories), constantly correcting my playing etc., saying that I wasn't the best violinist they could find. I tried to take their comments in stride and assumed that if they found a more professional violinist that I would gladly step down. The problem was that my boyfriend never said a word to them about their behavior and sometimes when I would speak to either of the other men about how mean they were being he would take THEIR SIDE! Suffice it to say that after nearly 2 years of this I quit the band and stopped playing stringed instruments altogether as it was kind of traumatic experience ( I was pretty insecure to begin with which is why I probably never pursued anything professionally musically). Towards the end I had started giving my boyfriend cello lessons but when all of this drama went down and I decided to stop playing altogether so I stopped giving him lessons. He was fine with this, for a while. But recently another band he is in wants him to play a simple cello line on a recording and he's been practicing cello day in and day out and usually when I am asleep which wakes me up. But, I'm not going to be so catty as to say he can't play or practice, it's just kind of an emotional trigger for me, so I've been using ear plugs when he starts to practice. The problem is that he will come in the room for no apparent reason and wake me up again after this, he says to "check on me". This has been angering me every day because it's bad enough to be woken up each day with an emotional trigger but to have the presence of mind to handle it maturely and not say anything, but then have to deal with being woken up for no reason.
So I'm angry of course today about this after being woken up again for no reason after putting in ear plugs etc. and he has the audacity to get upset because I won't help his cello technique. I told him it's fine if he wants to practice/play but that right now I'm processing how I feel about everything and that I can't teach him or show him anything. Basically, when he plays I sequester myself in the back rooms of our apartment and try to ignore how I feel. He tells me that I should just "get over it" (this coming from a guy that gave up an entire jazz CAREER because of one comment a patron made at a gig) and that enough time has past (a little over a year). I told him that it sounds like he is trying to cloak his selfish motivations in "wisdom" so that he can get what he wants. Especially considering that he is one of the most sensitive people I have ever known and who can't handle people telling him how he should feel or how long for. So is he just a giant hypocrite? Is he extremely insensitive considering he was party to the original traumatic event and now has to deal with the consequences of that? Yes and yes. But now, he's asking me to leave. The day after he asked me to marry him. And he thinks I'm the crazy one.
Hi Caroline...from another
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
Hi Caroline...from another Caroline. :-)
Yes, this sounds like classic ADHD. They change their minds...a lot. At least my husband does. But it sounds like your boyfriend had a rather extreme reaction. He obviously doesn't fully understand the emotional trauma you went through at the hands of his bandmates. Sounds to me that they were just jealous that he not only got a girlfriend, but brought her to play in the band. Boys are weird like that.
Anyhoo, I'm sure what kind of advice you want. Is he speaking to you? Or did you just move on out after he told you to? It sounds like you need to sit down and have a conversation with him at some other time besides when he is playing. I would tell him how you really feel, and about how your self-esteem took a real big hit. Maybe not necessarily how awful his bandmates were, but how it affected you then, and it still affects you now. If you truly love him, then help him after that, but he needs to understand that you will only help him on your terms. And not when you are trying to sleep! I think the problem is that he sees your unwillingness to help him as a personal rejection, thus he reacted strongly by asking you to move out. I know my ADHDer sees/hears/thinks about things a whole lot differently than me and it can cause a lot of confusion and pain.
Best of luck.
Oh, dear...
Submitted by ellamenno on
Well, of course I don't know all the details and I am not qualified to give anyone advice, but if it were me in this situation, I would move on, take out my cello and violin and start a band with people not associated at all with my boyfriend or his band.
I am also a musician (classical singer primarily as well as guitar/folk/rock/kids stuff/whatever) and I quit performing for a few years because of acute anxiety/insecurity brought on by bad choices, an inappropriate relationship followed by lots more stupid choices etc... (yes *I* am the ADDer in my marriage). My husband and I left the city where we had been living for 10 years and things started getting better for me. I started my own ensemble, started a nonprofit music organization, toured with a (different) pretty successful ensemble for 5 years... Things looked good, and I finally felt I could handle the responsibility of a child, so DD#1 was born. I continued to tour, although not as much, we moved again, but it was a place that was still affordable and my husband was doing well enough at his job so we decided to have another baby. DD#2 was born in 09. After the second move, I was not working nearly as much. DD#1 was 7 months when we arrived and DD#2 was born when she was just starting 2 days/wk at preschool. I was only pulling in $200-$300 per month. But... we were ok for the moment. Then DH got a job in the big city where our story began and I thought I could reconnect with colleagues and get more work/make more money. But the reality when we got here is that everyone I know has been sky-rocketing ahead and no one wants to hire me. I have kids. I'm old. I've been replaced. It was very depressing. plus, the cost of living here is ridiculously high. I had to make money immediately somehow.
I tried like hell to get a 'real' job in an office. I failed over and over. Lousy, embarrassing job interviews... resumes full of holes. I'd gotten rid of all my CDs, all my music, and I stubbornly wouldn't listen to anything either. My reasoning I guess was if I ignored music altogether, maybe it would decrease my ADD symptoms and help me be more normal and I could get a real job.
Then one day I heard a singer I'd never heard of before over the next few months became a bit obsessed. Not with this singer as a person - just the voice & music. I also am pretty sure I've got what I learned a couple of years ago is called 'synesthesia' with music. (also with numbers & colors, but that part of it doesn't interfere with emotions so much). And for whatever reason this voice in particular creates very positive/pleasant 'visions' if you will. No, I don't actually think that what I am seeing in my head is there (mercury morphing into wire, morphing into tinsel, morphing into something sort of purple, all the while having the feeling of a comforting hand across my forehead). I don't think I'm gifted or blessed with something magic or spiritual, like lots of folks with this do, I recognize that I just have faulty wiring in my brain. But, like the ADHD it is something that can affect my state of mind and emotional well being so if there is something that will create positive rather than negative reactions for me, I'll try to stick to the positive.... so anyway:
I began to play a bit again. Then sing again. There was a joy that came back without the fear of everything that comes with the music 'scene' here. I realized I finally don't care anymore what certain people think of me now. It was very freeing.
I hope whether you stay with your boyfriend or leave that you can find your way back to music. Just as it's silly of him to quit because of that one patron at a gig, you can't let the 'boys in the band' take away the happiness/joy you get out of playing. So find other people to play with. If you stay with your boyfriend, when he practices cello, get out your violin and practice. Maybe even try something together (that ISN'T the same as his band's music!)
I have ADHD. I don't know the
Submitted by mysandwichworld on
I have ADHD. I don't know the details to your situation or anything. I only know your perception of this situation, so I can't choose a side. However, I do want to say that your fiancee may have been oblivious to your feelings (even though you mentioned you told him). Maybe perhaps you weren't being blunt and making things completely clear with what exactly was/is bothering you and have rational support for why it bothers you. Let him know what is acceptable behavior and what isn't, so he knows when he is crossing an emotional line. Like, did you discuss the whole past with him, or did you just bring up a portion of it? Sounds to me that he just doesn't understand and thinks you are overreacting. I'm not married, but I'm in a committed relationship; I have to say all these negative comments about people having an ADHD partner is really depressing for me to read.