Marriage in Shambles

I posted this on one of the blogs on this site but then realized that nobody had commented there for more than a year, so I guess this is a better place for this.  Sorry for he duplication.

I am not sure where to even start this, so it may come out a little bit unorganized, but I beg you to stay with me.  I was diagnosed with ADHD about 10 years ago and have been on and off of many medications over the years.  I have been on and off Adderal for the past 2 years sometimes with great results and at other times not so great. 

The main theme for me in this post is that I have been horribly irresponsible with our finances and created a house of cards of lies to "protect" my wife and kids.  Now that the whole thing had caved in and I am in big trouble, my wife is furious and of course her family is involved as well.  She says she wants to stay with me but her brother is trying to convince her to leave me for a few months in order for me to "get help."  I know she in conflicted as I do believe she loves me but is sick and tired of my being so damn irresponsible with our finances.  It has put us and our 3 kids in a bad situation over and over again for the past 10 years.  I have always been a great earner but I do tend to fight against budgeting and do tend to spend on stupid things for my kids.  This of course causes us to come up short many months and has put us in massive debt which I know would cause stress in any marriage.  Recently i did something remarkably stupid financially and it seems like it may be the last straw.  While I don't think this one thing is the reason she is so upset, as it has been going on for years, the size of it is huge.  It is in the mid 5 figures and caused us major embararsment and hardship with some of our friends. There potentially could even be legal ramifications to all of this.  Like, I said, I do not think this single event is what she is potentially leaving over, but rather a culmination of many smaller events leading up to today.

As a result of everything that is going on, I have been doing some serious soul searching and realized many things.  One of the things I realized is that I have not been a very good partner to her.  I blamed her for being cold or detached at times, but I have been horrible too.  I have called her names, gotten angry for no reason, and done just about everything else I have read about on this site.  Said I want a divorce, said I should not have married her, told her she is stupid, called her worse names... you get the idea.  I know I am a kind, gentle caring man, but for some reason I have not shown it to her in the past 5 year or more.  The only exception was when she was very sick a few years ago and I spent 8 months going to the hospital with her almost every day for treatment.  Maybe I thought I was going to lose her and I realized that for that period it had to be all about her.  It was weirdly a bad time for us obviously for her health reasons, but a great time because we did not fight or argue.  We just focused on spending time together.  She is now 100% recovered and stronger than ever.

Like I said, I have been on and off medication and do not know if maybe the ones I am taking are not strong enough, the wrong ones, or there is something else wrong with me.  I am going to a new doctor tomorrow to help me answer some of those questions, but I fear it may be too late.  I have apologized, started to get more help, and told her and her brother that I realize I have been horrible but I know I love her with all of my being.  She is the only woman I would want to be with and in 20 years not only have I never strayed, but never even thought about it.  When I said those mean things to her I didn't really mean them, they just came out as a defense mechanism.

So the point I am trying to make is that sometimes those of us that suffer with this do not mean to do what we do.   I am a big strong guy, but this thing throws me around like a paper doll.  I am trying to get help and I am working as hard as I can to let my wife know how much I love her.  I have had a total awakening, but fear it may be too late.  I also fear that maybe there is even more wrong with me than just ADHD.  Please folks know that we struggle with this thing and even when we think we have it under control it is not.  It takes work and commitment from both sides, which I am hoping I get from her.  The thought of losing her is too painful for me to bear, but I know it would be a direct result of my actions and like anything else in life it will be what it is meant to be.  Please, if your spouse is fighting this affliction, work as hard as you can to let them know you support them.  Get them help and know it is a long process.  I don't know how this will turn our for me and the love of my life, but if I can help you save your relationship before it is too late than maybe some good can come of all of this.

Thanks for listening and do you best to support your loved one.  It means more than they are likely to be able to tell you.