I'll start out by saying that I am the ADD spouse. My husband and I met 16 years ago and dated for 6 years before getting married. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 2 years into our marriage. Like anyone else we had our share of problems. Before being diagnosed it had gotten to the point that he was being very aggressive and cruel to me - I had even researched emotional abuse (which he did discover when I accidently left a web page up on my computer.) Some things he accused me of were lying, cheating, having a gambling and/or drug problem. I couldn't understand where his accusations were coming from. After I was diagnosed he made somewhat of a turnaround as he did some research and realized that my "odd" behavior was the ADHD.
I know I have problems - I admit I have problems with my ADHD. But, he's always accusing me of not admitting it and not taking responsibility. I am medicated, mostly for his benefit because I don't notice much of a difference. He can definitely tell when I have forgotten to take my meds. The thing is, when I was younger and undiagnosed I wasn't so bad. I had unconsciously learned coping techniques to help me deal with things. But, I also had a LOT less responsibility. I feel like now I'm drowning. And I feel like he's constantly fighting me - setting me up to fail.
I think all things considered, I have dealt with my lot in life fairly well. I went to college and graduated (with guidance from my parents) and I have had a full time office job for 10 1/2 years now. My job doesn't pay the greatest, I know that. My husband is constantly making remarks and telling me I should be looking for a better job. But, I fear change. I am comfortable with my job, I know what I will be doing each day. It's repetitive, has a small margin for error so even with my ADHD, I feel secure that I will have my job tomorrow. It's also stable (M-F, 7am - 4pm) since I am the caregiver of our 2 children.
So, in addition to working a full time job I am expected to do almost everything as far as upkeep in the house. The only time he cooks is when I'm not home, only cleans when he gets mad that I haven't done it (and then I get an earful about how "trashed" the house was.) He does his own laundry because I don't keep up with it and he finally realized that if he wanted clean clothes for work he had no choice. I take care of our 2 kids 90% of the time we are home. I handle all their doctors appointments, school stuff for the older one, etc. I do almost all the cooking and cleaning. I take care of our dog - including vet appointments and scooping the yard. I have to mow the grass, take out the trash/recycling (both from daily inside the house to the outside cans and weekly from the outside cans to the street on trash day.) I have to do all shopping (unless it's him going shopping for "toys" for himself.) I am responsible for all finances - managing the accounts and paying all bills. I'm in over my head. I've asked for help on many occasions. But, his "reason" for not helping is that he makes more money at work and he works more hours. (He does often work some overtime.) So I have to do all the work at home to "earn my keep" so to speak. Our kids are only 3 and 7 so they generally just add more work for me than being a help.
I hate the way my husband treats me sometimes. I've got the ADHD memory - where it's a toss up if I'll remember something. Because of that he NEVER believes anything I say. I feel like he always treats me as guilty until proven innocent. If something gets broken or something is lost, it's automatically my fault. And then he gets mad when I get defensive about constantly being blamed for everything. Yes, I feel like he often treats me like a child. Our fights/disagreements literally last for hours about what I've done, haven't done, or need to do. He thinks that by going on for hours I will remember it better - but I can't help but zone out as he talks and then he gets angry at me when I can't remember what he'd been going on for two hours about. He knows I have a limited attention span (even for fun things like games) so I don't know what he expects from me. Last weekend during one of our "disagreements" I tried to sit down and he made me get up and stand the entire time because "standing is good for you" even though my feet hurt and I just wanted to sit down. He knows my feelings about how he treats me and I don't know what he thinks about it. He's told me on many occasions that I have a "poor me" attitude so he probably doesn't care.
Some days when he's in a good mood things are fine and I like spending time with him. Other days I just want to say "I'm done!" and take the kids and walk out. This past weekend we were having an argument (I can't remember what about) and that thought crossed my mind and I had to force my mouth to stay shut. I've thought about telling him I want marriage counseling, but I'm afraid that we'll find a therapist that won't understand ADHD and will tell me everything is my fault. My husband finds absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior or the way he treats me. I feel like the day will come that I just can't deal with him anymore. Part of me sticks it out for the kids, part of me because I don't know where I would go or do if I did leave. I really don't want to leave, but I just want someone to accept me for who I am and he just can't. I always hear about how difficult I make his life. But, I don't mention how his anger issues, PTSD, panic attacks, special GERDS diet, constant stomach issues which result in me taking time off from work to take him for tests, affect all of us.