I'll start out by saying that I am the ADD spouse. My husband and I met 16 years ago and dated for 6 years before getting married. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 2 years into our marriage. Like anyone else we had our share of problems. Before being diagnosed it had gotten to the point that he was being very aggressive and cruel to me - I had even researched emotional abuse (which he did discover when I accidently left a web page up on my computer.) Some things he accused me of were lying, cheating, having a gambling and/or drug problem. I couldn't understand where his accusations were coming from. After I was diagnosed he made somewhat of a turnaround as he did some research and realized that my "odd" behavior was the ADHD.
I know I have problems - I admit I have problems with my ADHD. But, he's always accusing me of not admitting it and not taking responsibility. I am medicated, mostly for his benefit because I don't notice much of a difference. He can definitely tell when I have forgotten to take my meds. The thing is, when I was younger and undiagnosed I wasn't so bad. I had unconsciously learned coping techniques to help me deal with things. But, I also had a LOT less responsibility. I feel like now I'm drowning. And I feel like he's constantly fighting me - setting me up to fail.
I think all things considered, I have dealt with my lot in life fairly well. I went to college and graduated (with guidance from my parents) and I have had a full time office job for 10 1/2 years now. My job doesn't pay the greatest, I know that. My husband is constantly making remarks and telling me I should be looking for a better job. But, I fear change. I am comfortable with my job, I know what I will be doing each day. It's repetitive, has a small margin for error so even with my ADHD, I feel secure that I will have my job tomorrow. It's also stable (M-F, 7am - 4pm) since I am the caregiver of our 2 children.
So, in addition to working a full time job I am expected to do almost everything as far as upkeep in the house. The only time he cooks is when I'm not home, only cleans when he gets mad that I haven't done it (and then I get an earful about how "trashed" the house was.) He does his own laundry because I don't keep up with it and he finally realized that if he wanted clean clothes for work he had no choice. I take care of our 2 kids 90% of the time we are home. I handle all their doctors appointments, school stuff for the older one, etc. I do almost all the cooking and cleaning. I take care of our dog - including vet appointments and scooping the yard. I have to mow the grass, take out the trash/recycling (both from daily inside the house to the outside cans and weekly from the outside cans to the street on trash day.) I have to do all shopping (unless it's him going shopping for "toys" for himself.) I am responsible for all finances - managing the accounts and paying all bills. I'm in over my head. I've asked for help on many occasions. But, his "reason" for not helping is that he makes more money at work and he works more hours. (He does often work some overtime.) So I have to do all the work at home to "earn my keep" so to speak. Our kids are only 3 and 7 so they generally just add more work for me than being a help.
I hate the way my husband treats me sometimes. I've got the ADHD memory - where it's a toss up if I'll remember something. Because of that he NEVER believes anything I say. I feel like he always treats me as guilty until proven innocent. If something gets broken or something is lost, it's automatically my fault. And then he gets mad when I get defensive about constantly being blamed for everything. Yes, I feel like he often treats me like a child. Our fights/disagreements literally last for hours about what I've done, haven't done, or need to do. He thinks that by going on for hours I will remember it better - but I can't help but zone out as he talks and then he gets angry at me when I can't remember what he'd been going on for two hours about. He knows I have a limited attention span (even for fun things like games) so I don't know what he expects from me. Last weekend during one of our "disagreements" I tried to sit down and he made me get up and stand the entire time because "standing is good for you" even though my feet hurt and I just wanted to sit down. He knows my feelings about how he treats me and I don't know what he thinks about it. He's told me on many occasions that I have a "poor me" attitude so he probably doesn't care.
Some days when he's in a good mood things are fine and I like spending time with him. Other days I just want to say "I'm done!" and take the kids and walk out. This past weekend we were having an argument (I can't remember what about) and that thought crossed my mind and I had to force my mouth to stay shut. I've thought about telling him I want marriage counseling, but I'm afraid that we'll find a therapist that won't understand ADHD and will tell me everything is my fault. My husband finds absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior or the way he treats me. I feel like the day will come that I just can't deal with him anymore. Part of me sticks it out for the kids, part of me because I don't know where I would go or do if I did leave. I really don't want to leave, but I just want someone to accept me for who I am and he just can't. I always hear about how difficult I make his life. But, I don't mention how his anger issues, PTSD, panic attacks, special GERDS diet, constant stomach issues which result in me taking time off from work to take him for tests, affect all of us.
Any advice?
Oh man...
Submitted by smilingagain on
Your husband is bullying you. Period. You work full time. He works full time and maybe a little more ? Why isn't the household stuff split up more fairly? His 'reasoning' sucks and is selfish.
the idea of him berating you for 2 hours and forcing you to stand throughout... Awful. Belittling. Condescending. Bullying.
I am a mother with ADHD who works full time and does everything too- so I get it. It's hard. It's hard without ADHD. ADHD makes it extremely hard. For your husband to assign this all to you, and then to be uber-picky about it, when he's not helping.. is not helpful and would certainly make ME defensive
It hurts to be picked on for stupid little things, and to have all the good overlooked.
My shrink told me ADHD women tend to go for controlling guys subconsciously. Fits in my case. Not sure what advice I can give. Maybe take a trip by yourself for 2 days and leave him with the kids and house. I bet he has no idea al you are juggling. Most men don't (sorry to the men who so- I know you exist somewhere).
good luck. Hang in there. And don't let him ruin your self-esteem and joy of life.
A challenging situation
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Ladyflower10,
I must say that I really agree with smilingagain. Sounds like you are being bullied by your husband. He clearly knows nothing about the challenges of being ADHD, and if he did/does, it's pretty clear he doesn't care. If you both work outside the home, he certainly should be giving you a lot more help with the domestic responsibilities. And, the way he acted during your argument was controlling and ridiculous. And, you had no reason to put up with his behavior. Unless you were fearful that he would get physically abusive. And if you are concerned about that, then you should have an exit plan for you and your children.
Counseling is definitely called for in your situation. And you are correct. It would be better to find a counselor who understands ADHD. I find it hard to believe that a competent counselor would not see through his controlling and manipulating attitude. If they don't, they are not the right match for you. You could interview them on the phone, and give your side of the situation before you even meet with them. Then it will be up to them to judge how to work with you and your husband.
You are certainly in a challenging situation. It is important to think about what lessons your children will learn from seeing your husband treat you so poorly. Your 3 year old may not totally understand it (although you'd be amazed what a 3-year old can take in) but your 7-year old certainly gets that there's something wrong going on here. Something to think about.
I hope you can get the help you need. Otherwise I can imagine it will be very difficult to continue to live in the situation you are in.
I wish you the best.
He wants to fix you, but, he is blind to his brokeness :(
Submitted by c ur self on
You both need counseling...My wife has add, and everything she did early in our marriage seemed to betray me in every way...I felt disrespected and unloved. She couldn't understand my feelings and I couldn't understand hers...I felt like my life was wrecked...And I got so mad and bitter, I became emotionally abusive...I attributed everything she did as intentional...After 11 months a part, and 10 months of counseling...I've finally come to understand...She's living the only way she know's how...And I had to also come to understand there would always have to be boundaries in our marriage because of the inattention to important things add blinds her to, or maybe a better word is distracts her from... But, I know she does love me...Regardless of how may things we feel so different about...As long as there is blame, denial and finger pointing where love and unity should be you are going to struggle....He must face himself about his anger, and emotional abuse, just as I did, and continue to do...I tell people this "My marriage may end someday before one of us die, but, I just don't want to be mad, bitter, or blaming, if it does....I will pray for you ladyflower10.
Thank you everyone!
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
Thank you everyone for the responses. And thank you C UR SELF. It’s nice to hear from the other perspective as well. Your situation sounds so much like mine. My husband is an emotional person and I know I hurt him a lot in the past, especially before I was diagnosed with ADHD. He thought I was intentionally hurtful, uncaring, and selfish. I didn’t understand because I saw things differently. Our fights would be him yelling and me crying because I couldn’t answer his questions. Like I said, he accused me of a lot of things because he couldn’t make sense of my behavior. I think so much damage was done during that time that he can’t let go of it. He admits that even now sometimes he is hurt by the things I do or say. I’m sure the rational side of him says “she doesn’t really mean that” but the emotional side of him thinks “I don’t care, she still hurt me.”
In our past when he thought I was purposefully trying to hurt him, I know he was intentionally emotionally abusive toward me. He has told me in the past that when I hurt him he wanted to hurt me. And there are times now I think he can still be emotionally abusive, whether intentionally or not I’m not sure. I have never been afraid that he would physically hurt me or the kids. In the 16 years we have been together he never has. He is more the type that would punch a door or throw something across the room.
Part of my problem is I am very forgiving. So forgiving maybe because I forget the hurt easily. I think maybe I’ve partially created the monster he’s become - because just like a child, if they get away with it they will keep pushing the boundaries. And I can’t tell him “you’ve done this to me before” because then he wants dates and times and details that I can’t give him.
See, I know we have a whole extra dynamic to our relationship because he is a police officer. By nature he is controlling, he is suspicious, he deals with lies every day. He won’t back down from a challenge and will rarely admit he is wrong. I know his job has changed him in many ways and that has spilled over into our home life. He can’t just turn it off. He thinks I don’t appreciate what he does, all his hard work and sacrifice he thinks I take for granted. But, I think that’s part of the reason I am so forgiving. I know every day he goes into work there is a very real possibility he might not make it home.
I think him making me do everything around the home is less about the money I make and really more about the “you hurt me so I’ll hurt you” mentality that he has. It feels like he really has no respect for me and what I do for the family. He tells me sometimes that he helps clean the house, but I just don’t notice because it’s after I’ve left for work in the morning. But, if he does it's things like sweeping under the couches in the living room (hardwood floors) or organizing a storage shelf in the basement. He won’t help with the things I struggle with every day – like doing dishes, sweeping the kitchen floor, taking out the trash, cleaning the bathroom, putting laundry away, etc. The house is hardly ever “clean” because I can’t keep up. He knows and he’s seen that tasks take me much longer than him because I get side tracked.
I’ve started using paper plates, cups, and plasticware for meals just so I’m not drowning in dirty dishes. Though the sink is rarely empty since I still have pots and pans, cooking utensils, coffee cups, etc. I hate that the things I say most to my kids are “When I’m done”, “ Can’t you see I’m busy?” and “I can only do one thing at a time!” And you’re right that my 3 year old probably doesn’t notice much, but my 7 year old definitely notices. He sometimes asks me questions like “why doesn’t dad ever help?” and I have to struggle with what to say. I usually keep it to “I don’t know” or “that’s just the way dad is.” Just writing this down now makes me sad because I can see how messed up things have gotten. I don’t want my kids to think it’s okay.
Any advice on how to go about finding a councelor?
Again, when you're with a man
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Again, when you're with a man who throws things, and is emotionally abusive, you are not in a good situation. And neither are your children.
If you are going to go into counseling, you may want to consider a man because it sounds like your husband might want to control and manipulate a woman, and that would not be good for you. I can appreciate what you are saying about his occupation, however, it is not an excuse for his behavior, and no matter what you believe you have done in the past, that doesn't seem like a reason for it either.
You can google ADHD Psychotherapist and the name of your city and hopefully some counselors names will come up. If they don't come up with ADHD, at least Psychotherapist or Counselor and the name of your city should bring up some names. You will want to interview them over the phone and ask them if they have ever dealt with couples where the man can be emotionally abusive. If they have not, they may have a very hard time standing up to your husband, which will be very important.
Please do not take his guilt...He does not know you!
Submitted by c ur self on
Your drowning in his expectations....he really needs to read Melissa's book...and also he needs to read Gary Chapman's desperate marriage...Order them off of amazon and read them, maybe he will get interested...He is bitter, hurting and miserable...and doing so much damage to the relationship, but he's is blind...He thinks you are broken, and he want's things to become "his normal"....Try not to feel so beat down and cry etc...You need to be strong! Not fighting strong, forgiving is good, but he has got to understand you are who you are...Where do you think this is headed? He must understand,..Hey this is the wife you got buddy...and I want peace with you, not for killing myself for trying to live up to your expectations. But, just for who I am....Good luck finding a counselor....We used a Christian Counselor that was good for us...I got up to walk out mad more than once, but I'm thankful I didn't...