I have been married 26 years. My H has not been to a therapist all our marriage. His mother and brothers all have bipolar or an issue. He claims to have ADHD, I feel he is bipolar and definitely has Narcissistic traaits. He has temper, loses jobs, blames the world, etc. everyone knows the story. He won't go get help, he is prideful. EVERYONE sees an issue, those that hate him and those that love him. He is a charmer of women and has groupies since he is a DJ and loves to dance, etc.
As his wife, I see everything and I see the child when he gets home. I am pretty much invisible until he wants sex. He is a good man but that doesn't make him a good husband. He loves sex but that does not make him romantic. I am pretty much disconnected emotionally despite trying very hard to tell him over 26 years how I feel. I stay due to my belief in marriage and also for compassion sake. But I have left emotionally.
The reason I write this is to find out how you have reinvented yourself in a situation where you are not married to someone fulfilling their promise or the role they should. In my case, my husband is Jeckyll and Hyde and is stuck at 14 yrs old.
In the AM I get ready for work. He works Saturday only. I have been there 10 yrs. He loses jobs yearly and has ventures and ideas yearly and living off settlement money from his mother's death. He can dream and invest and fail and not get a job other than things he loves. He is always having problems with people and rubbing people the wrong way. He stays in bed while I am getting ready and I leave without saying goodbye. It is no longer important to me. Why? Well, he can walk by me to use the bathroom, I say good morning, he says nothing and then passes by me to go back to bed. No words, like this AM. If he wanted to wish me a good morning and kiss me goodbye and wish me a good day, he would have. I would love that. I have even wanted to have bfast with him and have quality time before I go but he is cozy in bed so I have decided not to put forth effort to say goodbye. What is the point when he is sitting in the living room in his Archie Bunker chair when I get home from work at 5PM. He stays there until 2 or 3 AM with his laptop watching The Flash or some other sci fi show. He doesn't say goodnight. I just take a hot bath to relax, drink a glass of wine or tea and go to bed by 9:30 PM. I am nice to him, answer his small talk, and just do my thing while he looks through me. Sometime dinner is made and sometimes not. He sits with a moat of papers, electronics and wires all around him, and bowls of eaten food too. He is a hoarder and does not help with the apt other than dishes. I don't complain anymore since he gets upset, like I am only pointing out his flaws. I just do it myself and pretend I am single.
This repeats everyday. On weekends, he makes his plans and I make mine. I do try to invite him although at times I don't since he is obnoxious and our friends can only take him in doses.
Anyway, he is addicted to tv/laptop and this has been discussed often until I left him for a month due to his temper and failing me emotionally. He did nothing but pout and complain that I abandoned him. He never chased after me and was angry that now his secret was out. I went back after he promised to go to therapy. His temper is hidden now but the child remains.
So......what have you done to move on with your life while being married to a kid?
I love myself, have great friends, love music, I love my job, love God, practice my religion, go to coffee houses, love to sing and do Karaoke, love the beach, make plans, go to bed alone and early and try to like it despite being a hopeless romantic, get up alone and get ready for my fab job which I have to keep to cover his medical insurance and also keep up my half of the bills.
It's just a shame that here we are, everyday I try to convince myself that I can do this, smile and be positive but I also know that deep inside I never wanted it to be like this. If only he did his part, he could have such an awesome marriage and have it all! I have a love like that of a friend/sister that feels bad for him but I can't say that I would be broken up if he left however that would happen. How can you be in love with someone that you don't know at times, doesn't see you, is nice to you for a few minutes, doesn't talk to you the whole day and is not humble enough to act on what everyone knows? I am 43 years old married to a 49 year old that is stuck at 15. It will not change either. I am so glad that I have learned from my breakdowns, weak moments and am still strong. So I am trying hard to stay fresh and young and fun and exciting at least so that I can enjoy my single married life.
Much love!
adjusting, growing and asking the right questions...Respect.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(The reason I write this is to find out how you have reinvented yourself in a situation where you are not married to someone fulfilling their promise or the role they should?)
OWW, reading this post about your relationship and how it plays out in everyday life was an interesting read...It is in many ways a lot like many I've read and written here. And much of what I have experienced also....The question you ask here about "reinventing" made me pause a moment...Although I do believe it is a fair statement in some sense of what has to happen for us to get a lone or avoid conflict.. When our lives (pursuits, habits, personalities, and priorities) and our thinking about how to live, is so different...
I've made the same comments about child like living (many times:(, when it comes to responsibilities (stewardship, spousal commitment, etc...etc..), but in hind site that is just judgment and really just makes an excuse for the actions of the adult...
I have come to the conclusion that all my focus must be on me when it comes to "Living Well"...No one can be the husband I should be, but me....No one can be the wife that my wife should be, but my wife....In my opinion, there isn't one thing we can do for each other, to help each other, fulfill our obligations as husband and wife....
We can have a profound impact on each other when we "Live Well".....But, there is so many ways to do harm to each other and the relationship when we try take on what we aren't equipped to do... And in my case it all started right from the beginning, when I was focused on what she wasn't doing, that I thought she should...
That effectively got my eyes and thoughts off of what my responsibilities were as a husband...MY JOB!....Love isn't, and never will be, attempts to control, mold, or fix my spouse based on my perception of what she should be, my thinking!....Heck!, it's hard enough to be accountable to my self, and my heavenly Father as a husband....
So at this point in my life I would say I've grown (from the earlier years anyway) I've adjusted (more understanding of who she is) and the results has produced respect between us....When acceptance is the product (even if it means walking away, Or,, even if it mean's agreeing to disagree) then the pain of the illusion that always accompanies attempts to control another adult human begins to subside....If this is reinventing, then that's how I'm doing it....
I like that you have chose to "Live Well"....We can only do that for ourselves....But the product of a life well lived can be contagious....
Blessings
C