Married to a child and reinventing myself.

I have been married 26 years. My H has not been to a therapist all our marriage. His mother and brothers all have bipolar or an issue. He claims to have ADHD, I feel he is bipolar and definitely has Narcissistic traaits. He has temper, loses jobs, blames the world, etc. everyone knows the story. He won't go get help, he is prideful. EVERYONE sees an issue, those that hate him and those that love him. He is a charmer of women and has groupies since he is a DJ and loves to dance, etc. 

As his wife, I see everything and I see the child when he gets home. I am pretty much invisible until he wants sex. He is a good man but that doesn't make him a good husband. He loves sex but that does not make him romantic. I am pretty much disconnected emotionally despite trying very hard to tell him over 26 years how I feel. I stay due to my belief in marriage and also for compassion sake. But I have left emotionally. 

The reason I write this is to find out how you have reinvented yourself in a situation where you are not married to someone fulfilling their promise or the role they should. In my case, my husband is Jeckyll and Hyde and is stuck at 14 yrs old. 

In the AM I get ready for work. He works Saturday only. I have been there 10 yrs. He loses jobs yearly and has ventures and ideas yearly and living off settlement money from his mother's death. He can dream and invest and fail and not get a job other than things he loves. He is always having problems with people and rubbing people the wrong way. He stays in bed while I am getting ready and I leave without saying goodbye. It is no longer important to me. Why? Well, he can walk by me to use the bathroom, I say good morning, he says nothing and then passes by me to go back to bed. No words, like this AM. If he wanted to wish me a good morning and kiss me goodbye and wish me a good day, he would have. I would love that. I have even wanted to have bfast with him and have quality time before I go but he is cozy in bed so I have decided not to put forth effort to say goodbye. What is the point when he is sitting in the living room in his Archie Bunker chair when I get home from work at 5PM. He stays there until 2 or 3 AM with his laptop watching The Flash or some other sci fi show. He doesn't say goodnight. I just take a hot bath to relax, drink a glass of wine or tea and go to bed by 9:30 PM. I am nice to him, answer his small talk, and just do my thing while he looks through me. Sometime dinner is made and sometimes not. He sits with a moat of papers, electronics and wires all around him, and bowls of eaten food too. He is a hoarder and does not help with the apt other than dishes. I don't complain anymore since he gets upset, like I am only pointing out his flaws. I just do it myself and pretend I am single. 

This repeats everyday. On weekends, he makes his plans and I make mine. I do try to invite him although at times I don't since he is obnoxious and our friends can only take him in doses. 

Anyway, he is addicted to tv/laptop and this has been discussed often until I left him for a month due to his temper and failing me emotionally. He did nothing but pout and complain that I abandoned him. He never chased after me and was angry that now his secret was out. I went back after he promised to go to therapy. His temper is hidden now but the child remains. 

So......what have you done to move on with your life while being married to a kid? 

I love myself, have great friends, love music, I love my job, love God, practice my religion, go to coffee houses, love to sing and do Karaoke, love the beach, make plans, go to bed alone and early and try to like it despite being a hopeless romantic, get up alone and get ready for my fab job which I have to keep to cover his medical insurance and also keep up my half of the bills. 

It's just a shame that here we are, everyday I try to convince myself that I can do this, smile and be positive but I also know that deep inside I never wanted it to be like this. If only he did his part, he could have such an awesome marriage and have it all! I have a love like that of a friend/sister that feels bad for him but I can't say that I would be broken up if he left however that would happen. How can you be in love with someone that you don't know at times, doesn't see you, is nice to you for a few minutes, doesn't talk to you the whole day and is not humble enough to act on what everyone knows?  I am 43 years old married to a 49 year old that is stuck at 15. It will not change either. I am so glad that I have learned from my breakdowns, weak moments and am still strong. So I am trying hard to stay fresh and young and fun and exciting at least so that I can enjoy my single married life. 


Much love!