Advice needed on how to live with an abusive adhd/add spouse?

I originally posted this in the wrong area (sorry for re-post!)

These stories sounds like my marriage in a nutshell, with the exception that I didn't know about his "condition" when we met. The only way I found out about it, was AFTER we said our "I-Do's". I almost feel cheated. I remember him telling me prior to marriage about all the relationships that didn't last more than a couple of months, within the last year or so, but hey, I was in love, so it didn't really "click" with me. Looking back now, had I not been so blinded by love, I would've been able to see that something just wasn't right with him, and that all those short relationships he was in, that ended badly, was probably a result of his ADD!  His mom told me after the marriage was finalized, just how BAD things were with him, and I'm left thinking just how much worse they were going to get. We're on our 2nd year of marriage, and we just had a baby earlier this year! After reading some of the replies on here, I am now intensely worried that our daughter, who at the moment is only 8 months old, is going to have this!

A typical day for us would be me sleeping til about 9am, until our daughter wakes up (this is on the days that I don't work, which right now is M-W-F), and him getting up @ 5am to get ready for work, which he doesn't have to be there until 7am - we live less than 10 minutes away, I never understood why he wakes up so early, until i was reading some symptoms of ADD. On one of his "good" days, he'll come in and kiss me goodbye, but normally, it's him waking me up, asking me where HE put his keys = I NEVER know this! He continues to get frustrated, and to point of calling me names, until I agree to wake up and find his stuff for him! And I usually am the one who finds his keys, and even then, when I find them for him, he gets sometimes even angrier worse! At this point, he's gone beyond normal frustration, and either/or both, will start swearing, raising his voice (he's woken the baby from her sleep before because of his outbursts of anger & frustration) and saying he's a "piece of **it husband; can't do anything; etc", or he'll do his most common, throws his hands up in the air and say, "why the **ck did you even wake up! You make me feel like **cking piece of **it! You're **cking **tch!"  After his outburst, which has lasted 30 minutes before, he'll scramble and blame me that I made him late to work, and he'll run out the house in a frenzy, as he's running late to work!  ...... 

As my morning begins around 9am, when the baby wakes, he'll send various texts thru-out the day, usually in the morning around 930am, blaming me that he was late to work. Next time I'll talk to him (via voice or text), is at his lunch-break, where he'll normally text me and ask how the baby is doing, or text to me of what a piece of **it wife i am, and that i'll never amount to ever full-filling the "wife" role!  When he's at work, I'm the one who: cleans the house, does the laundry, does the dishes, picks up his dirty clothes that he's laid NEXT TO the laundry basket (NEVER IN - it's ALWAYS beside it, but never in = Huge pet peeve of mine) though i'll repeatedly tell him to put the dirty laundry IN the basket, it's never done...I have to be the one who takes out the trash, cleans the toilet that i asked him to do the night before, mow the lawn, pick up groceries, the list could go on and on...and that's not even including "mommy duties" for the baby.  ......

Next that I'll talk to him, or see him will be when he gets home from work, or right before he leaves. He'll usually call me to gripe me out over the phone...usually pertaining to some bill of sorts. Now I will acknowledge and admit that I'm not the best on the market, when it comes to bills. I will pay them, but with my job, I don't get paid a whole lot, and it's only twice/mnth. This can spark any number of arguments - whether or not I paid the (particular one he's referring to) bill at the exact time he wanted it paid at (exact, like 2:37pm that afternoon). It will usually start out as frustrations over the phone call, resulting in him slamming the phone down. I have nothing to look forward to, as when he gets home, it starts in with him name-calling me, swearing at me, raising his voice and releasing the anger monster from his cage! He doesn't do it since we moved into our rental house, but he used to get so angry that he'd punch holes into the walls. I am not going to lie, I worry about his anger outbursts towards me...he's very verbally abusive towards me, and he hasn't hit me, as of yet, but him punching holes in the doors/walls, does make me worry for myself...and even worse off for our daughter. After a blood-bath of verbal swearing and name calling to me, usually about an hours worth, he exhausts himself, and will plop down on the livingroom floor, and sleep for who knows how many hours - could be 4, could be 6...

And his parenting skills...I dunno. Maybe this is the ADD too, it all starts to look the same to me. I'll give this past Sunday as an example. He complains that during the week, he never gets to see our daughter, as he's always working, and then by the time he gets home, he's so tired from working, that he just wants to rest...so weekends are his time to spend with the baby. Sunday at church, he's too busy texting who-knows, to even care about what's being preached in the sermon, and when I go to ask him later, he can't remember what was being said - duh! because he wasn't paying attention - he was more engrossed in his texting, and surfing the net on his phone! When we get home from church, he sets the baby in her busy chair (note: she's to the point of crawling & wanting to go places, not just sit still! = she hates that chair!), and proceeds to plop down on the living-room floor, read the paper and fall asleep. Our daughter on the other hand, is sitting in her chair, screaming at the top of her little lungs. He asks me why she's crying, I explain that she prolly doesn't like being in that chair, and would rather be held, or spend the precious weekend time, with her dad! He reacts badly, by saying "this will shut her up!" and sticks her binky in her mouth, and continues to do what he was previously. This, above all else, but prolly runs for a tie with the verbal abuse, is the most annoying, and upsets me the most! If I weren't there to tell him "what to do" as a parent, he'd let her 1) scream until she fell asleep, or lost her voice; 2) starve, or just ONLY feed her bottles (as an adult, can we live off water alone?! It's the same with our baby, she's eating solids now, and her schedule is on the fridge of when she eats & how much) = he'll feed her nothing but bottles if i'm not around.

I feel I've already said so much...I could go on and on...but I'm to the point now, as I was telling our friends the other night (him not present), that I'm so close to getting a legal separation from him...I can't take his constant ratting me out (for nothing), swearing at me (in front of the baby) and name calling = these constant/daily anger outbursts are more than I can handle!  From reading others' posts on here, I'm expected to deal with it for the rest of my marriage, which I can't! And to hear that it will only get worse!?  He's on medication - but with him, if he doesn't IMMEDIATELY feel something within a day or so of being on it, he runs back to the doctor, asking to be switched to a different medication. Believe me, when I say, he's burnt alot of bridges with doctors, because they tire of his never-ending bouncing back and forth, from one med to another! He never gives the medication anytime to even begin to work. I just don't know anymore...

I'm open to advice. I have it set where you can email me - and I'd gladly accept anyone sending me a comforting email here or there. Thanks for listening!
 

I think your title to your

I think your title to your post addresses the question and contains the answer. No one should ever live with someone who is abusive...physically or emotionally. What I kept thinking throughout your entire post was "he feels horrible about himself and is trying to take everyone down with him...including your precious child". He is, on top of all of this, sabotaging his medications/treatment. I think the saying "if nothing changes, nothing will ever change" is very appropriate here. He does all of this because he can. He gets away with it. He has no consequences. I hope you can find the courage, if not for yourself.. for your daughter, to get out of this situation until he gets some serious help.

I second that. 10 years

I second that. 10 years after dh's diagnosis and meds and cant get why i cant let the past go.... I would never have been able to do that daily... If you have a place to go, it may help force him to wake up and find his own damn keys. So sorry.