massive ego?

I went to a therapist, as I needed strategies to cope with my husband.  I couldn't figure out what was going on and I needed objective help.  I showed her a couple of pages from my journal and she INSTANTLY said, "He has ADHD."  Because of what my therapist said, I figured out that my teenage daughter has ADHD and my sister-in-law figured out that her daughter has ADHD (neither of us told our husbands how we 'discovered' this).  Their diagnoses were confirmed by professionals and they're on meds.  I'm still figuring out how to tell my husband that I believe he has ADHD, as he will blow and point every single finger of blame back on me.  I'm in the process of trying to find a psychiatrist that he might trust.

My husband is financially successful and from that perspective, ADHD has not impacted our lives.  Many of the stories I read about ADHD focus on how bills aren't getting paid, things are falling apart, etc.  But that's not my issue.  The huge problem I have with him is that he has a massively huge ego.  He must constantly have the attention on himself (which is the real "attention" problem in AttentionDHD, for me).  He consistently lies/embellishes to make himself look as good as possible.  I constantly find myself in shock as to how needy he is for more attention from a variety of people, because his neediness is so extreme.  He must always be the center of attention - even stealing it away from his kids - and he must always be the charmer (he believes he makes people feel good about themselves; the reality is that he's doing it for himself).  He seems to do things not for the pleasure he takes in the activity but so he can talk about it with people around him.  He's received many rare bottles of scotch from clients because they all know that he collects them.  I suppose he's fun to be around but I hate living with him (I am thankful that he's a workaholic and wish he traveled more for business).

I can't stand to be with my husband because he takes up all the air in the room and there's not enough left over for me to breathe.

I have a huge issue with people who lie.  In my opinion it sends negative, almost evil, energy into the world.

I know I am depressed.  I read that depression is anger turned inward and yes, I am furious that I married this man.  I don't remember falling in love with him and I'm shocked that I married him.  I'm a very strong woman who comes from a family of strong women - how did I do this to myself?  That being said, I do not want to leave the marriage because we have three kids and I want them to have stability through their teenage years.  My husband and I don't fight - we are very civil to each other.  My kids are really terrific and I don't want to screw them up.

Before I continue trying to fix anything, I WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

THIS IS MY QUESTION:  it seems to me his massive ego goes beyond just coping with ADHD as a child (I do know that the four kids in his family all had learning issues, but his mom had them tutored and they all seemed to overcome it).  His one brother has anger management issues (worse than my husband's).  But my husband is the only with with the MASSIVE EGO.  Again, it's so big that it seems to go beyond ADHD.  From other people's experiences, is this ADHD?  Or is there something else going on as well?  My initial search in trying to figure him out was "narcissism" but that seemed a little over the top because he's not evil or a sociopath.  I would appreciate anyone else's personal stories, as I think that understanding what's going on will help me move forward.  Is this really just ADHD?

 

Strutting like a peacock

Same here. I don't know if this is ADD or another trait.  He is able to forget (or deny) his deficiencies. He is able to to be positive when there are problems that need attention (delusion). He acts like a punky teenager (impulsive and forgetful and cocky).  I don't feel safe or cared for in his pretend world. We can't be an effective wife, daughter, mom, friend with the life sucked out of us.  We must not give our lives away for the sake of a trait that will never reward us for our efforts. We must honor the life we have been given inside of inside of ourselves.  We must find strong, sensitive people who honor us as we honor them. We must hold on to our values and dreams.

There are always people like that who must have the floor. They are loud, laughy, irreverent, fun or bossy.  Sometimes we like to be around them because the energy in the room is UP.  But to try to live with them intimately and partner cooperatively with trust is another story.

I can relate

I appreciated reading your post.  My husband sounds very similar to mine.  My husband always has to have the attention, and cares an incredible amount what people think of him.  He needs everyone to like him and tries to control everything in order to feel like people do.  In reality, many people don't have respect for him.  At Christmas his nephew was putting together a lego set that we gave him, and he literally pushed his 6 year old nephew out of the way and said, "move." and then started building the lego set.  I started going to counseling but he thinks the problem is all me.  I don't look forward to being with him because everything is constantly focused on him, and if I talk he interupts and then continues talking about himself.  I'm so tired of it.