As the NON ADD partner, I have been thinking a lot about people's maturity, naiveté, having fun vs responsibility...that kind of thing in general. I had been thinking of myself as a responsible worrier and seeing dh as a child-like imp in our relationship. But how have I been childlike?
It is time I look at that and help MYSELF GROW UP. I will list the positive ways a mature person handles things and strive for being more mature MYSELF, in general and in all my relationships.
1. I am the creator of my own life. I get to write the pages of my own destiny. (This is not a job for a knight in shining armor or fairy godmother and since dh and I do not communicate, I must do this alone rather than as partners - accepting reality.)
2. I face reality as clearly as I am able and work at accepting what is. (Coping is sometimes necessary BUT a person MUST come out of their self-induced coma of denial and rationalization eventually).
3. I take comfort, listening quietly to my own heart and soul, I bolster my own strength and my environment through gratitude, faith, creativity, prayer, meditation, exercise. (I don't surrender my peace and self respect to other people's opinions, perceived authority/seniority, or their abilities of persuasion).
4. I seek the company of people I trust and admire. (I don't imprison myself in the company of people I really don't want to be around.)
5. I believe God is loving and life-affirming and is in favor of my becoming a whole, expressive, strong person. I give myself permission and a challenge to CHANGE my most tenacious religious beliefs about women and authority. I challenge myself to a NEW and IMPROVED relationship to God, If God is willing. (I held in my mind and heart an authoritarian parent-like entity who is wanting to punish if I misbehave - a man in power keeping a fraternal hierarchy in tact.).....side-note: In my marriage vows, the minister had me surprisingly answer this question in front of a church full of people...."Do you promise to honor and obey, til death do you part?" He did not ask dh to honor and obey me, but rather to cherish me. Guys, this may seem trite, but so many of the things we take for granted in our language (especially in church) collectively make women childlike. How would you like to repeat for your entire life...."Our mother who art in heave., The Lord in my shepherd ..She maketh...She leadeth," etc. To me, as a very young girl in church, the messages had meanings of male authority and i was always taught to obey. And most people in authority were men - some of them not so wise. I was taught that the man was the head of the household. I took that as a command and I obeyed!.....YIKES!
6. I am the maker of my own rules for my life and I define them to myself by growing in maturity through reading good literature, positive conversations, NEW interpretations of the Bible, and healthy associations. I do not have to obey other people's wishes (laws usually yes, other people's whims and wishes, no.) I do not have to answer every question someone asks.
7. I live my life authentically. I am true to myself. I know myself. I am aware of my faults and forgive myself for being human. I am aware of my talents and I use them and display them and i speak up when I KNOW something. I don't hide behind other people's decisions, my own perceived powerlessness, humility, coyness, femininity, team-like attitudes, misunderstood commandments or shyness.
8. I am aware of my thoughts and emotions on a higher level than a child. I can display my emotions...good and bad because I have honest love in my heart that can be shown to the world. When destructive anger or hatred start taking hold of me, I stop and reflect on what lesson I must learn and accept....not permitting the little powerless child in me take hold and have a pity-party or a tantrum.
9. I have courage because I believe in myself and love life and respect myself enough to garner the fortitude to walk through difficulties with as much grace and calm as is possible. The bogey man was scary because of our own imaginations and our feelings of powerlessness. Knowing the facts and facing the facts and accepting the facts give us a reality that stops our imaginations filling us with fear and confusion.