I've faced the demons of my ADHD and I've accepted the past, all of it ... for which I have much regret. My family has been burdened with an unknown disease for many years, a disease that damaged the relationship with my spouse to the extent that her mind will not allow her to see me change, nor allow her to show grace, compassion or forgiveness. My confused mind believed it was loving as it should've but it also allowed me to live as I shouldn't. These days of being forced to follow a path alone have now allowed me to be at peace with myself, the counseling, self awareness and medication have pulled me from a place where the paralyzing grief and realization of who my family lived with cast me into incredibly dark, desperate, and lonely place. Finding this peace has been a blessing and a curse, the blessing in knowing and becoming, the curse that good times and in bad sadly does not always mean forever.
The only darkness that now remains is that of the loss of someone whose anger, hurt and despair is trying to protect them, it can no longer be my darkness as it is hers to own. I believe we all must be able to look back and feel completeness that our efforts were for the good of all, although for years mine were not, that was then. This is a good place but not one where I can continue to grow, somehow maybe the brief thoughts I've shared will provide hope or direction. If anything learn from my mistakes, as I have.
A new opportunity will allow me to better provide for the future of my children, who will still be my greatest importance.
In the next few days my wife and children will learn this journey will take me 900 miles from this place where I no longer am I allowed to belong. Maybe her forgiveness will one day find me. One day I pray, forgiveness will find her as well.
I think you write very
Submitted by banaany on
I think you write very beautiful, but at the same time it is a little difficult for me te read (English is not my first language).
As for you, your wife and forgiveness...
I can imagine that it is hard for you when you are not encouraged while you change. This is important, because it can create the illusion that it doens't matter that you put so much effort in changing. I belive it is also important that you can appreciate YOURSELF now you are doing so good.
I think your wife eventually will see the changes. I think she is still hurting too much to see it. I can also be that she doesn't want to hope that it will get far better, because she wants to protect herself from any dissapointment.
My boyfriend has lied to me for years about other women. He didn't have fullblown intercourse with them, but he has kissed a couple of times, and had an some sort internet affair addiction. He has been cheating on me on a virtual level and through telephone so intensely, it's still hard for me to grasp it with my mind. Although he hasn't done this for 2 years, I still can't forget this. I get confronted with it eveyday, because I have to deal with jealousy and suspision. I don't know what your wife can't forget, but I wanted to share why I can't seem to forget what my partner has done in the past. What helps me, is when my partner shows me that he cares what he has done to me and tries to work through the consequenses of his actions (dealing with jealousy).
I wish you good luck in the future
Hard to forgive
Submitted by Pink on
My husband has an ADHD and he always looks at women leg or on the Internet. It hurt my feeling and I think he is "sick". He doesn't see or understand what he is doing hurting me and other people in his life. There are such a thing as a respect and you got married and you should pay attention to what you are doing. he took pictures talk online and I told him why are you doing that? he said to piss me off. Because I keep after him about him not working and getting a job. Then he tells me because you don't let me finish when we have sex. He takes a long time to come. So, by him looking at other woman is going to make me go to him more? I don't think so. This is the problem with people with ADHD. They think of themselves now what can I do to make me feel do. They do not think what will happen if I do that? will anyone get hurt? or will it cause a problem. they think of this moment and that it. It is like they are in a black hole and they only see now. this is the problem i am having and it is very hard to forgive someone after they think oh... I didn't know that it is going to hurt you. oh... that is dump of me! Sometime the person lose a lot of thing before he realize what other people been going through. I think ADHD people need to learn how to think twice before doing something. If they are not sure because they can't think then they should not do what they want to do in the first place or ask someone for help.
I'm There and Doing That
Submitted by robert9239 on
I am in the same sort of situation with my wife. I just found out that I have ADHD in the last 2-3 months. My wife thinks that I am using this medical problem as an excuse, not a reason, for my actions over the last 26 years. She will not read about my condition nor will she discuss the possibility that I now can change with medication and therapy. When I ask what she wants to do about us she just says "I don't know". I am changing everyday but will it be enough and will she believe it. The pain that I have put her and my kids through all these years is awful. Now that I see the person I was, it is almost to painful to bear. I must go on but can I without her? Your story gives me hope and the changes that you make will be seen. I just know how hard it is to have the most important people in your life not want to be in your life. I hope everything works out for the best for you. I also hope the pain of our past will dissipate and let joy enter into our hearts. Good luck.
You have to be selfish.
Submitted by robinshusband on
Feeling - should be out
Submitted by Pink on
My husband with ADD and reading your comments it seem that all the men with ADD have the same feeling. When we go to counseling they tell us to leave our men. Because we have became their "mother" we are doing the work for them for all the things they fail to do as been responsible. The problem I see is that the men with ADD never never learn or get a clue how angry and tired the wife can be with an extra responsibility rather than a "partner". There is no partner when you married someone with ADD. The wife or the non ADD person get to do all the important work. By leaving that "partner" we hope they can learn how to take care of themselves. I have a counseling today near my work with him and every time he must meet me because he never learn how to get there by himself. He is always late and make me late. I hate to be late. I told him today that I am not waiting for him anymore. Here is the address and I will meet you there. I am just tired of being the person "mom" to him. There is no one to take care of us. We want to just say okay make me dinner, clean the house... I come home clean house, dinner on the table... bill paid up... that will be nice... but I guest we will never see that until we are very old and have a stranger coming in to assist in living as old people.
You tell me who should be selfish now? I have seen enough of selfish men with ADD. everything about how they feel... they are hurt about their feeling. Well you know what... when it time to pay the bill that company doesn't care about your feeling, you forgot to pay... there is no oh... sorry right ADD... no they just add the a fine with the bill. Simple. But ADD men don't get it. They need to be living with someone who is strong in order to survive in this world.
I think ADD people have too much "feeling" that what make them fail.
Change
Submitted by banaany on
I think a lot of non adhd/add spouses do not in believe in change because that has been the past. I sometimes read here that in marriages for over 20 years the ADHD partner is willing to change. Of course it's important that the spouse encourages change so the ADHD/ADD partner can heal like you put it. 1 counselor once put it like this: if you want to predict the future, you just have to look at your past. This is most of the time sadly true. Because non ADHD/ADD spouses never have seen that it has changes drastically, they will remain skeptical for a while and maybe even badly influence the changes. We are all human. However, I think it's great for you that you take responsibility now on such a drastic level.
Eventually change is possible for everyone in one way or another. But a real life changing turn is difficult for everybody I believe. I have seen my partner change en now there is 75% LESS stress in our relationship. A really big change for me and him.
I wish you good luck,
Greetings from Holland