maybe her forgiveness will one day find me

I've faced the demons of my ADHD and I've accepted the past, all of it ... for which I have much regret. My family has been burdened with an unknown disease for many years, a disease that damaged the relationship with my spouse to the extent that her mind will not allow her to see me change, nor allow her to show grace, compassion or forgiveness. My confused mind believed it was loving as it should've but it also allowed me to live as I shouldn't. These days of being forced to follow a path alone have now allowed me to be at peace with myself, the counseling, self awareness and medication have pulled me from a place where the paralyzing grief and realization of who my family lived with cast me into incredibly dark, desperate, and lonely place. Finding this peace has been a blessing and a curse, the blessing in knowing and becoming, the curse that good times and in bad sadly does not always mean forever.

The only darkness that now remains is that of the loss of someone whose anger, hurt and despair is trying to protect them, it can no longer be my darkness as it is hers to own. I believe we all must be able to look back and feel completeness that our efforts were for the good of all, although for years mine were not, that was then. This is a good place but not one where I can continue to grow, somehow maybe the brief thoughts I've shared will provide hope or direction. If anything learn from my mistakes, as I have.

A new opportunity will allow me to better provide for the future of my children, who will still be my greatest importance.

In the next few days my wife and children will learn this journey will take me 900 miles from this place where I no longer am I allowed to belong. Maybe her forgiveness will one day find me. One day I pray, forgiveness will find her as well.