I'm new to the forum and have been doing as much research as possible to understand my ADHD, but I need some help and I don't know where else to look so any help would be appreciated. Here is my story:
I was diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago. I'm in my late thirties and have been married to the most patient woman in the world. However, her patience has been worn thin and we are currently trying to rebuild our relationship. But, I have some issues that I can seem to find solutions to and I'm wondering if you all could give me advice. First, just to let you know I do see a therapist once a week, because I was brought up in a rough home and have some issues that run concurrent to my ADHD. Second, my wife and I are seeing a therapist and trying to work out the years of trust issues that developed due to my ADHD, which we didn't know about until 3 years ago. We have been married for 9 years and were together a year before that. I'm only telling you this for background info. This is were it begins. For almost 9 years I have ignored my wife. This was not done purposely. I didn't help her with house work or made a big stink if I had to. I didn't touch her all that much, like hugging, kissing, rubbing her back, etc. I didn't support her when she started her sewing business, which fell apart eventually. I basically have jumped from moment to moment with out being aware of time and what has happened during that passage of time. Looking back, I see where I went wrong and believe me I'm currently carrying so much guilty that it makes it hard for me to feel human much less lovable. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I really do love her more than anyone or anything in the world. I could lose everything and I wouldn't be as crushed as I would if I lost her. No one person has stuck by me like her and to think that I have ignored the person I love....it is an unbearable weight. But, I'm trying. I'm trying to be a better person and a better husband. We are not without our fair share of problems though. Sometimes I will have doubts about our relationship that is sparked by something she says or her lack of sexual interest in me and wonder if she wouldn't be better off with someone else. Once a thought like that enters my head I hyper-analyze it to the point of paranoia and anxiety. I can't seem break from these thoughts and in the process I will push her away, but that is not what I want to do. However, I know if I share with her the insanity that is going on my head she will be overwhelmed and frightened. Have any of you had problems with obsessive thinking? I don't know what to do about it. There are a few things that trigger this off. One is boredom and the other is insecurity. Since the day my wife told me she wasn't sexually attracted to me, I have had a hard time believing that she would ever want to have a sexual relationship with me again. It has been difficult to stay faithful, but I have turned down every advance that any woman has made on me. Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, because there is a certain justification to what she said to me that I have been made full aware of during our sessions with the therapist. But, one of my biggest problems with my wife is her inability to communicate with me. She tends to bottle thinks up. In our therapy sessions she admitted she did this because she knew how sensitive I was and was afraid of how I would react, which made me feel even worst. The thing is that I have developed a trust issue with my wife because I don't know if she is giving me the full story. Is she afraid of how I will react and not telling me everything? I just don't know. And, what makes it worst is before we went to see a therapist, we were on the verge of separation and she admitted that she had a crush on a guy at work. This is a guy I see every time I go into work. He is a nice guy too. A little cocky, but overall pretty nice. She said she was attracted to his confidence and with me feeling so broken and crushed due to the way I have treated my wife for close to 9 years, I can tell you I'm exuding very little confidence these days. What I really need is some positive encouragement from my wife that she still loves me, that she still is working towards rekindling our sex life, and that she still finds me attractive, but how do I ask that of a woman who has put up with so much shit from me. Honestly, I don't think I would hyper-analyze her recent and unknown purchase of sexy underwear, if I knew that she was completely honest about her intentions with our relationship. I realize that building trust takes time, but I feel I might sabotage my efforts if I can't get these obsessive and hyper-analytical thoughts under control. I'm still a little raw right now, because the talk of separation was only three weeks ago and I do feel we are heading in the right direction, but when my self-doubt gets the best of me it taps into the all the raw emotional turmoil of my abusive upbringing and I often feel like maybe I will never be able to change. I don't want to go down that road it will lead to some dark thoughts that I haven't had in a long time. At least not since I before I met my wife. Please give me some advice. I love her. I don't want to loose the only person patient enough to discover the good parts of me.