Today was one of those "this is THE day" days. My ADHD spouse thinks our relationship is bent. I think it is broken. Our 29th anniversary last Sunday was only a date on the calendar. For me - enough.
I drew up a list of 11 things "I" need to show our marriage is moving into a positive direction. Some are negotiable - some are not. He always says he is improving - I just can't see it. I see him trying hard - but not in the areas that will improve our marriage.
A few of the nonnegotiable are:
1. I will not re-arrange our debt with a debt consolidation loan - ever again - yes, ever - unless there is an event out of our control - earthquake, fire, illness, major accident, tornado.
2. We will build a fence so that his 'stuff" can be out of my immediate sight, so we can sit on the deck and enjoy the view of nature - not his "stuff."
3. No porn. None.
4. He needs to find a way - with a counselor or book or however he chooses - to acknowledge when myself, my son, our daughter or new son-in-law - indicate a "negative" ADHD behavior is stirring up chaos.
5. We will draw up a budget - and stick to it.
6. No working on Sunday. We did that for 25 some years. Then in his anger, he just started doing whatever he wanted - working every day, not doing any chores, ignoring his promise to support me emotionally while I am back in school.
I really don't care at the moment if he feels I am giving him an ultimatum. I AM!!!!
I have applied for a live-in nanny position. I told my spouse that we either work on our marriage, or I am working on getting out.
I did promise for better for worse, for richer or poorer. So did he. To me, worse equals things out of our control; consistent poor choices and refusal of help are not something I will stand by. .