medication???

Hello,  

Last week my husband and I hit a low point, and he was staying over at a friends.  Because we have been sharing a car while mine is down (for a while, engine died, need to save for new one)  I asked him for the truck so I could go talk to our councilor.....  I am not sure if it is related to the fact that I was going to talk to her, and anything they might have talked about that week as well, but soon after he called me to apologize.  He told me how he doesn't want to be away, or the family to fall apart, and things need to change, and how he was going to go see a doc about possible meds, because what we are doing isn't working.... and he came home.  (our therapist really thinks meds might make it a lot easier for him/ us to function)

Well, today is the day.... he told me this morning that he wasnt going to the appointment because he doesnt have time.... he has a quiz at school at the same time...(well actually, his class ends 20 min before the apt).. and that although that was the only available apt for quite a while, he isnt going..... and that he doesnt even think he needs it.  I said he could talk to his teacher about taking it a different time, or early, something, just to work it out w her.... teachers do that, and he has before as well.  He said well the kids have gymnastics today too.... I told him that as well ends before the apt.  he said yes, I could take a taxi and go get on Speed I guess, thats what you want you just want me all high on Speed huh?   He said he thinks he just needs to smoke pot, like 'they would give him in CA' and do yoga ect.  I explained to him that he has smoked pot, and that doesnt work, plus it is expensive.  It might help in the moment to relax, but what about organization and getting things done.... it doesnt help, it wears off and then you are grumpy.  the whole time telling me, as usual, he doesn't have time to deal with this stupid conversation.  And that he didnt say he wouldnt take it, (me 'nagging' him) just he is too busy now (flipping back and forth, in the same conversation)

I tried explaining to him that the medication was something HE brought up, not me.  And that I do think it is something he should try.  How I do not see much hope, and we need to try something else.  He feels like I am giving him an ultimatum..... Which maybe I am, but really I feel hopeless otherwise.  I told him I can draw my line in the sand, and he can draw his, and we can go from there to see if this is going to work out for us.  

I just cannot deal with the mood swings.  Yesterday I got up from where I was sitting on the computer typing  a email because he was looking over my shoulder.  I said 'excuse me, I have a hard time thinking with someone looking over my shoulder... sorry I have always been that way, just ask my 2nd grade teacher lol'  He got all pissed, stormed off and then came back and threw a rock from my daughters room at me. I didnt say anything, I avoided him, he left to go to school and the sauna..... he then called later in the afternoon to ask if I needed the car.... he was in a better mood..... I said 'glad to hear you are in a better mood'  He said huh?  I said yeah, this morning you threw a rock at me....  He said I wasn't going to hit you, I was just blowing off steam.  (never apologizing)  Anyways, my point is.... these things stick with me, and effect my whole day.....and even longer.... while it was nothing to him.... he never acknowledges my feelings.  Sometimes I get an, 'Im sorry you feel that way'  but that does nothing for me,,, actually it makes me feel worse.  Like it is not reallity, just my problem with my feelings. (he makes me feel like my feelings toward these things are the root of the problem)

Anyways I need some advice on this.  How much do I push for meds for someone who has been told they have ADHD and a mood disorder?  I really do not want to push someone on meds, but I cannot see bringing my children up around someone who does not lead by example.... and brings me anxiety by never knowing how he will wake up.  but I also don't want to send my children to the home of a father with ADHD and a mood disorder (in the future, if we split)  

Sometimes it feels like he is a 4 year old that doesnt want to eat their broccoli.

 

 

Unacceptable symptoms

Good morning.  I am so sorry about this terrible spot you are in.  Stimulants would help focus and a mood leveler would help the moods.  Both might help him get things done, although in my experience that comes with therapy/coaching for new ways of doing things.  Meds calm the brain so that a new path can be followed, but they do not create the new path. 

If he doesn't want to be on meds there are certainly things he can do to mitigate the effects of the symptoms.  None of which students normally follow.  Routine, good nutrition, sleep and exercise all must be utilized.  You can give him the options of basic life skill with coaching or meds then he can feel like he is in control of the decision since he seems to have reordered reality in his brain.

As for you, please keep in mind that the symptoms are not personal.  Yes it's your name he's yelling, but that is the symptom yelling not your husband.  Not that it makes the behavior acceptable, just that it might help you recover from the argument quicker to realize nothing you could have done would have kept it from happening.  This is not about you. 

Your husband also needs to know that throwing things at you is unacceptable.  That he can be arrested for that.  I would suggest scheduling an appt with him to go over these issues for the time of day when you are both your calmest.  Good luck.

thanks

he did end up going to get some RX's   I did try and explain to him that I did not want him to feel forced to take medication.  That I was shocked that he had said that he was, and then flipped.  Like he was just saying this to me so he could come home, and that nothing would actually change.  That I feel hopeless at this point, and that this has been going on too long with no improvement.  That this extra thing, might make some difference...help make it easier to put the puzzle together... but who knows until he trys.  He said that if the relationship doesnt work it was my fault, because Im the one who doesnt see a future.... (mind games are the real reason I cant see myself with him most of the time.  I totally see thru them....)

 We do care about what we eat, and actually have tried a GAPS diet, although not 100%.... but we do limit wheat and sugar substantially.  But when he goes downhill, I do see him eat at home less, and buy soda ect..... and eat ???  and he also feels like it feeds the cycle of irritability..

I also talked to him about throwing a rock at me...... he kept saying it was my emotional problem for feeling he was throwing it at me..... when he was just throwing it (hitting a few feet from me)  talking in circles....eventually turning into... What you think I don't know how to throw? you dont trust me not to hit you?...turning into... well I thought about sending you an apology email..... turning into..... I did kinda feel bad about it..... 10 minutes later...after I stood my ground that even though he didnt hit me he still threw it at me, in my direction, pinging the wall by my head...... finally a sorry I threw the rock, it was wrong.  But after all that, was it really authentic?

Then he told me well if I take this RXs, you cant tell me where I go..... you cant stop me from going to the gym.  I said when have I ever stopped you from going to the gym?   I said I really dont care if you go to the gym, but I do stand firm to the fact that you cannot be a part of this household and come and go as you please on a whim.  You can't make plans to go out durring dinner time thru the kids bed time, on school nights.... that that is their time and as far as I am concerned that is not hanging out with your friends time, or gym time..... it's the KIDS time.  He said oh so I guess I am going to get up at 3am to go to the gym then huh..... I said I guess if you want...... or after they go to bed...... or while they are at school..... or before dinnertime.  I didnt really understand, since the gym has never been an issue....... really he wants to go hang out with his alcoholic punk rock friends who still act like teenagers even though they are older than 2 teenagers put together...where he has gone in the past, and either not come home, or drivin drunk...even though I say please take a cab!  So yes, I don't like it.... even if he insists, oh Im not drinking tonight

I did tell him if he wants to answer to no one, he can go be single, it is his choice..... but he has to show some respect to me if we are a couple, living here.... and I am not just a nanny he hired to fill in the blanks for him.  I did explain to him as well, that even if he was single, he would still have his kids durring visitation..... so technically he would not be free ALL the time, to do whatever on a whim, in any case because he will never be single completely as he is a father with children.