Today was my daughter's birthday. We had already done a trip to celebrate but wanted to do just a few special things at home to still make it a good birthday. She really wanted to make a cake with me and decorate it a very specific way. She talked about it for days. I love making the kid's birthday cakes. They're never perfect but I'm getting better and better. We frosted it together this morning (she just couldn't wait) and we were both just tickled by it. I put it in the fridge so the frosting would stay in place. We opened gifts and had some family time. I took a few minutes to handle a work thing and then we were going to have cake. As I came back in I said "all right let's pull this cake out"...my ADHD spouse said "oh it's in the oven, oh no I left in there longer than I meant to". In the oven? Why was it in the oven? It was already baked and frosted. "I pulled the cake out and it was cold so I wanted to warm it up". The frosting and little details my daughter and I had done together were completely melted. There was icing running all over the oven and the special cake stand from our wedding which he'd put in the oven with the cake as well. I was upset. "WHHHHHHHy would you put it in the oven?" "Well it was all cold, geez you don't need to freak out just because I made the mistake of leaving it in there too long". My daughter is telling him "it's fine I like it like this" which just makes me feel even more confused and thrown off. Isn't it fair for me to be sad and frustrated by this? Isn't it fair for me to expect him not to mess with the cake I baked and frosted with her while he was doing his own thing? Why am I "crazy" and "over-reacting" when something I've put time and effort into and cared about for our kid is literally put into and oven and melted. Then I had to try and shake it off and serve the cake without turning it into a whole thing for our daughter. Here are the things that make this so hard to get over 1) Things like this happen often. Something that seems like it should be a given to me is apparently not a given. It feels like I can't really do anything in life without the fear of it getting randomly erased or knocked down. 2) He doesn't take responsibility for them. He thinks I'm crazy for being upset. He did say "I'm sorry it got left in the oven too long", but that just negates my feelings which are that it shouldn't have been put in the oven at all. It frames it as though I'm a tyrant giving him a hard time for a simple mistake when it's really a bit of an intrusion and unprecedented behavior. 3) I feel caged in these situations because he does not want me to have feelings about them. It just makes it that much hard to regulate myself when I'm being judged for having the emotion at all. 4) Lastly it just feels like there's no way to remedy this. A lot of times these stem from a self-focused modus operandi. He likes his cake to be warm. He doesn't like icing. He truly feels the cake was better after having been in the oven. He can only sort of understand that how it looked mattered to me. Or maybe he just doesn't care that it mattered to me? I'm truly and honestly not sure.
How do I face a lifetime of hopes dashed, of working super hard just to have things melted in the oven, when my efforts are unnoticed and unappreciated and even...resented? How can I authentically try to take the loving path when I feel so abandoned, unseen, and restricted? I want to keep trying, to keep pushing for a good and happy life together, but it's getting really hard to see a future that doesn't involve having to give up everything that brings me joy or makes me me. It's not just about the cake.
Cake.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I know this is not just about the cake it's more than that.
All that aside, the cake wasn't about him and his likes, it was for your daughter's birthday.
I can imagine how frustrating this was for you considering this is only one of several things that have happened over the years. It's crazy making isn't it?
I'm sorry that I have no advice to offer to minimize these things from happening in the future. You are not asking for too much and you are certainly not crazy and you're not making a big deal out of things.
Hugs,
Adele
I'm so sorry
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"It's not just about the cake."
I think that's exactly it. It's not a one-off everyone can laugh about. These things, big and small, happened all the time in my marriage. You can try to prevent things, but there's no predicting most of it. How could you predict someone would put a fully-baked and iced cake in the oven? This feeling that I could never trust things would be okay in his hands... that I had to be constantly vigilant and that still wasn't enough... was exhausting and demoralizing. I know this doesn't "help," but I just want you to know that someone understands how you feel. (I did end up leaving my husband after 20 years, full disclosure.)
I'm glad the cake incident didn't seem to ruin things for your daughter, but I'm so sorry for you. You are not alone and how you feel is 100% justified. The frustration from not having your emotions understood adds another layer too. Hugs.
So sorry about this and a concern
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Hi- This is a very apt metaphor for so much that happens in ADHD-impacted relationships when ADHD is under-managed or unmanaged. Your husband flat out made an error (if he wants warm, runny cake, he can put his in the microwave) and then covered with an "I prefer it this way" without any recognition of the effort of others because recognizing that effort would have also meant recognizing his error. This is the power of shame that so many ADHD people carry - it impacts so many interactions, justifications, and the rest.
What concerns me is your daughter's response. It suggests she is uncomfortable with the way that the two of you interact, and is playing the role of (very young) peacemaker. Perhaps she likes it runny, overflowing and baked after frosted, but not that likely since she was so into making the cake in the first place. The interaction between the two of you made all three of you uncomfortable - her way of trying to 'right' that was to try to make it end ASAP.
This suggests you should keep your eyes open for opportunities to help her learn how to assess and express her feelings as she ages. It also suggests that the conflicts between the two of you are taking a toll not just on you but also on your daughter. Family counseling might make sense if you can afford it. MAKE SURE TO WORK WITH SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ADHD or this could be a disaster, though.
You might also consider some support for yourself. What do you need to start to feel more loved that YOU can do for yourself, since you aren't in control of your partner's volatile behavior and choices? What sort of self-care might make you start to feel whole again? It sounds from your user name that you exercise...do you have close emotional support?
Finally...if he can get on board with owning his ADHD you have a better chance at success than just going along and hoping something changes. I don't know if you've read my first book or taken my couples seminar or not, but I will offer the seminar again live in the Fall. The book can also be a good way to help get a partner thinking about the impact of ADHD.
Something big needs to change here. You know that, of course. Your sadness and pain are obvious. I hope we can provide you with some of the support you need to move ahead.
Thank you
Submitted by Luvs2Run on
Thank you Melissa. We have read your first book and taken your seminar and are currently enrolled in the self study seminar. They have all helped immensely. We tried couples therapy but a few things made it feel like it wasn't something we could sustain. For one thing, our therapist didn't seem to be very well versed in ADHD and it led to some miscommunication. Second, when the therapist would say something we would have different interpretations of what she meant. My main concern is for my children. I hate that she reacted in the way that she did, while he seemed to think it's proof that it wasn't a big deal. She spoke to me later and told me that she was annoyed that I was upset even when she said it was fine. She's very sensitive to others feelings and I just don't want her to have to play this role. He IS trying to get there, but I fear it may take too long. I will keep trying to find a therapist who is a good fit. I appreciate your response.
So glad...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
...that you are able to take advantage of my resources. Here is another one, brand new, that may be of use to you...
No pressure at all to try it out...just making you aware that at the moment we have space.
I would have been upset, too.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I would have been upset, too.
This part of your post particularly resonated with me: "I feel caged in these situations because he does not want me to have feelings about them. It just makes it that much hard to regulate myself when I'm being judged for having the emotion at all." My ex-husband implied (and sometimes said straight out) that us talking about anything involving his behavior caused him so much pain that he considered me to be the aggressor and that I should consider myself to be the aggressor.
It equated to this: "Sure, wife, we can talk about this [whatever], but then you have to accept responsibility for making me suffer and for being a bad person." I eventually learned to shut up, mostly.
The inexplicable things that happen
Submitted by swampyankee on
This post resonated with me so much. It's never just about the <insert crazy-making inexplicable action here>. It's about having hard work undone, having your disappointment go unacknowledged or used against you, it's about the extra money you end up spending because of the action, or the priceless thing you lost.
For me, these incidents are even more bizarre because they demonstrate basic lack of executive functioning skills seemingly out of the blue. My husband will exist and be competent (mostly) for months on end and then.....<insert crazy-making inexplicable action here> happens. And then things will go south because the first thing I say is "how could this have happened?" He never has a logical reason why <x> happened, so he starts trying to minimize it, claim it wasn't him, or try to turn it all back on me.
Your child's response, too, resonated with me. I've tried so hard not to interact negatively with my spouse in front of our kids, but unfortunately he hasn't had the same kind of restraint, so it ends up affecting them anyway.
My husband denies that he has ADHD so my situation will probably never get much better, although he did finally agree to see a therapist on his own and I've noticed improvements in the verbal abuse and the emotional dysregulation. He still does the inexplicable though. I'm still pissed about the latest incident, days later. At least he's finally started realizing that I have a perfect right to be disappointed by these things, even though he still doesn't connect the dots on why they keep happening.