Today was my daughter's birthday. We had already done a trip to celebrate but wanted to do just a few special things at home to still make it a good birthday. She really wanted to make a cake with me and decorate it a very specific way. She talked about it for days. I love making the kid's birthday cakes. They're never perfect but I'm getting better and better. We frosted it together this morning (she just couldn't wait) and we were both just tickled by it. I put it in the fridge so the frosting would stay in place. We opened gifts and had some family time. I took a few minutes to handle a work thing and then we were going to have cake. As I came back in I said "all right let's pull this cake out"...my ADHD spouse said "oh it's in the oven, oh no I left in there longer than I meant to". In the oven? Why was it in the oven? It was already baked and frosted. "I pulled the cake out and it was cold so I wanted to warm it up". The frosting and little details my daughter and I had done together were completely melted. There was icing running all over the oven and the special cake stand from our wedding which he'd put in the oven with the cake as well. I was upset. "WHHHHHHHy would you put it in the oven?" "Well it was all cold, geez you don't need to freak out just because I made the mistake of leaving it in there too long". My daughter is telling him "it's fine I like it like this" which just makes me feel even more confused and thrown off. Isn't it fair for me to be sad and frustrated by this? Isn't it fair for me to expect him not to mess with the cake I baked and frosted with her while he was doing his own thing? Why am I "crazy" and "over-reacting" when something I've put time and effort into and cared about for our kid is literally put into and oven and melted. Then I had to try and shake it off and serve the cake without turning it into a whole thing for our daughter. Here are the things that make this so hard to get over 1) Things like this happen often. Something that seems like it should be a given to me is apparently not a given. It feels like I can't really do anything in life without the fear of it getting randomly erased or knocked down. 2) He doesn't take responsibility for them. He thinks I'm crazy for being upset. He did say "I'm sorry it got left in the oven too long", but that just negates my feelings which are that it shouldn't have been put in the oven at all. It frames it as though I'm a tyrant giving him a hard time for a simple mistake when it's really a bit of an intrusion and unprecedented behavior. 3) I feel caged in these situations because he does not want me to have feelings about them. It just makes it that much hard to regulate myself when I'm being judged for having the emotion at all. 4) Lastly it just feels like there's no way to remedy this. A lot of times these stem from a self-focused modus operandi. He likes his cake to be warm. He doesn't like icing. He truly feels the cake was better after having been in the oven. He can only sort of understand that how it looked mattered to me. Or maybe he just doesn't care that it mattered to me? I'm truly and honestly not sure.
How do I face a lifetime of hopes dashed, of working super hard just to have things melted in the oven, when my efforts are unnoticed and unappreciated and even...resented? How can I authentically try to take the loving path when I feel so abandoned, unseen, and restricted? I want to keep trying, to keep pushing for a good and happy life together, but it's getting really hard to see a future that doesn't involve having to give up everything that brings me joy or makes me me. It's not just about the cake.