i have been doing some reading here and i am seeing for the first time that others are struggling with this awful disease and all that goes with it, just like me. <!--break-->
My husband and I have been together for 21 years, married for 15, most of them difficult. He was diagnosed ADHD as a child but has been unmedicated (for that disease, anyway) until about 9 days ago. He has taken an antidepressant for probably almost the whole time I have known him, however.
He drank tremendous amounts of beer until he decided the time had come to quit drinking (last February). Once he gave up drinking, his already too-quick temper really became a problem. Long story short - 2013 was a horrible year and I was so hopeful that 2014 would be better, but it looks unlikely.
He lost his job of 7 years in October -- he is currently on medical leave, but at the end of this month that income will stop because his employer had already decided to terminate him (for issues including his temper) before he pulled the FMLA card (2 hours before the meeting where he was to be terminated). He has been seeing a LMFT ( as am I) and that has been helpful, I can see that he has gained insight to his problems and some tools to deal with his anger issues (when he chooses to use them). So all of 2013, and with increased intensity since the late summer (before the job loss), this marriage has been exhausting me. Fights, scoldings, verbal abuse, over reactions, threats of divorce (from him) we have had it all here recently.
His therapist diagnosed, probably correctly, that a lot of his anger was due to untreated ADHD. He sought, and obtained, through his GP (another tale in itself, suffice it to say our pets are getting better medical care then my husband), an Rx for Strattera. He began taking it a week ago yesterday, and the directions were to take one capsule a day for a week, and then 2 capsules a day after that. Of course, since he knows better, he went to 2 a day after only maybe 2 days. I just now looked at the bottle of 30 prescribed 12/27/13, and there is only 1 left. He has his pill counter with him, and he probably has it full for the coming week (14 pills) but WTH? He also stopped taking Zoloft (his depression med) at the same time, and had complained of the withdrawal symptoms. I am not sure the GP wanted him to quit that (at least cold turkey), but there's no way of finding out, hardly even for the patient!
So the week started off well enough, he felt like the new drug was helping with focusing his thoughts, etc. I went off to work Monday and Tuesday, and we had (I thought) a pleasant NYE. New years day stated off with him overreacting to a situation and getting angry, but we got over it and had an ok day. Later in the week he began experiencing sleeplessness and some mood swings. I was patient with him and went about my business. He mentioned that he had read on a forum that massage was suggested to counteract sleeplessness for Straterra users (whatever).
This Saturday (today) was to be the date for an already postponed and long overdue visit from my brother, SIL, nephew and great niece. They live about 2 hours away and I had invited them over for a crab feed (before Christmas). So, all week, with the exception of the midweek holiday, I had the foolish expectation, which was supported by my husband's words (I know, right), that he would help me get the house guest ready. This would leave us free to go to the wharf in the morning, buy our live crabs, and otherwise get ready to entertain at 4 pm. I'm sure some of you can guess what happened. I came home from work yesterday to find nothing (and I mean nothing) had been done around the house. Of course he became defensive when my mood indicated my displeasure, but I went about my chores, pre-preparing food and cleaning up the kitchen and trying to leave him to himself. Later, while watching Netflix in bed, he came into the room and announced he had lied by omission, by not disclosing he had gotten himself a massage that day. Furious inside, I did not react. Somehow even without any (or very little) reaction from me on the other side of the house, he worked himself into a rage over our marriage (feeling guilty?). Repeatedly stomping across the house into the bedroom and announcing such things as: I was supposed to be patient with him while he worked out his medication adjustment issues, no one was coming over until 4 pm so he had all day to mop, etc. , "You are the one with all the problems, you have done nothing to change yourself, I am tired of taking the rap for your issues, I have identified my anger -- it all comes from you and I want a divorce." "It is too late, remember that you did nothing."
He left the house with a bag, but came back a few hours later. While he was away, I sent my brother an e-mail to cancel, and confessed that my marriage is on the rocks ( I feel like such a loser). Husband slept at least for a few hours, but was back at the verbal abuse again bright and early. So around 7:30 am he left with his bag and one of our dogs (his) saying he would be gone for the day but back tonight. I told him to stay safe. A few hours later I get a text from him telling me he is not coming back. I have begged him to reconsider and come home, but he is resolute that our marriage is over, and he will not be back. Now I see (through Facebook of all things) that he is headed to Reno (we live near the coast). What in bloody hell is going on? As far as I know, he doesn't know anyone there and although he has indulged in many addictions in the past, gambling is one he has always professed to not enjoy (we work too hard for our money).
Why do I even want him to come back? Like many of you here, I have identified that he more often than not leaves me in the lurch when it comes to feeling like he has my back, showing me with actions that he cares, etc. This "what is the problem of mopping the floor (insert task here) right before the guests arrive?" has been repeated numerous times here. And far worse things than that, but I am an inefficient typist, and I bet you all could guess most of them. It seems it has never mattered to me that he will never be what I want, I still feel like an abandoned child. (one of my issues -- abandonment, I will admit it, but it does not make it not devastating)
So what do I do now? I only have 1 friend i can talk to about this. I know I have to do everything I can to take care of myself such that I can go to work and manage not to lose my job while all this chaos is going on. I hate feeling like crying and hiding under the covers but having to try to hold it together and get my job done without a bunch of screw ups. I don't know if his decision is real, or influenced by his drug adjustments, or something else entirely. Just Thursday evening, following his therapy appointment, he told me he really appreciated how I had stuck it out with him all these years when the things he had done acting out his disorder had pushed everyone else away. But today he left me and seems to really mean business this time. I am frightened and lonely and sad and ....I don't know what to do.....I just want him to come home and go to counseling with me. He agreed, we got a name, now he says it's too late.
Can anyone offer me some suggestions to get through this? Sorry it is so long.