Every now and then in conversation my adhd h will open a window and I experience the person I love. But it seems within minutes of conversation the window closes and suddenly a new view is there which is totally different from the one I just saw. It's like you feel wow they are really hearing me right now seeing me they are with me. Then out of nowhere they are back in a fog discussing some completely random topic and you can't get back to ground zero again. It isn't only when we have seriously discussions otherwise I would think it is just avoidance. It is random. Does anyone else experience this? It leaves me lonely because I know he is in there and I always want him to come back. To feel connected. I know it never lasts though. I can't imagine he does it purposely.
A moment in time
Submitted by MrsADD on 11/25/2017.
This is familiar
Submitted by Chevron on
I often think of my ADHD husband and me as people of good will speaking to each other in two different Englishes.
We very often are using our words presuming the other one sees our unexpressed contexts. Both of us do this.
We came back from a day of airports and air travel last night. I had a headache, looked for Ibuprofen in the house and then in my luggage and found none. I called to him in the next room of our tiny house "I have a headache and cant find any Ibuprofen. Not now, but when you have time, will you look for some in your luggage?" He called back "What did you say?" I repeated, verbatim, including asking him to look in his luggage. He called back, "You want me to go buy you Ibuprofen when I go out?". I do think my husband often is aware of me, though most of the time not attentive, in the way that you describe.
On another part of what you said yes,it's lonely being talked over, or there only being his monologuing going on most of the time Yes,I miss my husband's hyperfocus trained on me, too. I was my husband's special interest during courtship, too.
We've used dinner together as what Melissa Orlov calls attend time. Perhaps you two could find a regular (for us it would need to be relatively brief) spot in the day for attend time, where you face each other, no cellphones, TVs, screens, and : ) speak to each other in your two different Englishes?
And those moments...
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
Those moments of connection are so vivid and intense and it feels like all the love you once had has never left and you know, YOU KNOW! it is going to end and get lost again, but somehow, it’s as fresh and as meaningful as the whole first six months of the relationship. It brings tears to my eyes. And keeps me holding on.
I recently made Monday nights family nights. We have a big sit down dinner with the three of us, and his two kids and grandkids. And it is beautiful. For one night, I get to be the wife I want to be everyday (but have had to give up otherwise our relationship is extremely unbalanced and I get angry and exhausted). And he usually is present. Physically, mentally present. And sees my worth and my value. Even if he is off in his own world for the rest of the time, those nights are golden.
Yes...It is difficult to compete w/ hyper focus....
Submitted by c ur self on
We are taking a trip to Italy in December. (her idea)...So ever since I told her I would go w/ her...She has be very distracted from everyday life...An example of how it plays out...She has been trying to decide on what jacket (also sweaters etc.) to take...She has bought several, and stands in the mirror looking at them...She has modeled them for me to get my opinion at least 3 or more times in the last 6 weeks...(She rushed to the store to take them all back last night, and ended up coming home w/ more...Although she did return several of the one's she has ruled out..**I just tell her I love them all, and she is very beautiful in all of them...It don't seem to help though:)**
We just got back home from Austin TX...We went out to spend Thanksgiving w/ our Son and his wife...And we stayed a few more days helping them build walls for the Tiny House they are building. She hauled all those jackets to Austin in a separate bag, just to model for them...She has also molded them for friends and our daughters...I've learned to expect it...Also I've learned if I'm going to point it out, to do it nicely and not harp on it...(we have to learn what isn't changing, and manage our emotions concerning these fixed behaviors) She justifies it by saying she wants to be prepared, because she knows I don't like her hitting me w/ a bunch of last minute surprises...And that is true:)....Anyway I hear you....She and I can have many moments where life can seem so peaceful and blissful...Our ability to communicate can be fine....But then there are many times where I'm just an on looker of a distracted mind...LOL...
There's a lot of difference in intentionally being ignored and living w/ a spouse like my wife, who's mind and efforts to live life can overwhelm her much of the time...When she is lost in this state I can come up to her and just hug her tight for a long second, look into her eyes w/ kindness..It can have an awareness effect on her, (like the past hours of her life, flashes before her face) and she might address where her mind has been, or just apologize for it even though she goes right back to the same state quickly. :)
I don't think they can stop it, and I know we can't...LOL...But we can do our best to accept it and not let it negatively impact us....I don't do well with it many times...But I want to:)
C
C, "onlooker of a distracted mind"
Submitted by dedelight4 on
C, this is an. Insightful statement. Sounds like the title of a book I often wonder what thoughts run through my husband's mind. He has often talked about the "racing thoughts" in his head. That would be horrible, I think, on a constant basis. We got into an argument a couple of times about "thoughts". We were at the beach/ocean, and were enjoying the sun,water and sand. And, I told him how much I enjoying clearing my mind, thinking about " nothing" and just enjoy listening to the sound of the waves, birds, and wind. He immediately seemed to get angry and said, "Nothing!!! .......you CANT think of NOTHING" "Its impossible.....NOBODY can do that". I was surprised by this and said " Well, I do it, and I know others can too". He got more frustrated and kept saying how it is an "impossibility" for people to do. I guess because HE, himself had never done that. But, I was actually more astounded by his reasoning of, because HE couldn't do it, no one could. It was bizarre to me at the time. (Was before we knew about the ADHD)
Anyway, this is an interesting thread. It IS puzzling times to watch their thought processes go from one thing to the next,(or hyperfocus) and it not include anything having to do with "us", or the marriage. Those thoughts are short and fleeting, like others noticed. Having a close loving relationship takes time, effort and " thought". And, like the title of the book says, "Love is A. Choice". It is almost ALWAYS more gratifying when someone " chooses" to pay attention to you, than "telling" or reminding them to do so. (Sort of like our relationship with God) God wants us to "choose" to love Him. To take the time, to make the effort, and learn about Him. Why should ours be any different? Yes, we are very flawed but you know what I mean.
Therein, lies the crux of our delemna. A person with an attention "disorder", doesn't attend to many things, unless they themselves work at helping it. Again, another facet of the dilemna........too many either won't or don't see the need to do this. And,there is one of the center points of dysfunction in a marriage. We can contribute to the dysfunction, or help make it better. But, if the distracted person doesn't do their own work, the relationship can only go so far. IMO.
Great point Dede.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(Therein, lies the crux of our delemna. A person with an attention "disorder", doesn't attend to many things, unless they themselves work at helping it. Again, another facet of the dilemma........too many either won't or don't see the need to do this. And,there is one of the center points of dysfunction in a marriage. We can contribute to the dysfunction, or help make it better. But, if the distracted person doesn't do their own work, the relationship can only go so far.)
Yes Dede this is the way it happens....And more time than not our instincts (wanting unity, and a loving relationship) will lead us to adding to the dysfunction....Until we realize the impossibility of the task we have choosen (changing another human)...So we chart a doable course for ourselves....Hopefully we do:)
C