Mommy Meltdown

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. I have been planning to divorce my H b/c I am just burnt out. We are not in love, fighting it is not good. Lent is a time for reflection and renewal a time to choose which path of life you will take. To be a better person.  I decided, for my family, I needed to choose hope for my marriage. We talked we agreed we are both a part of this mess let's try. 

What if the path of life is not together though. Seriously we are like gas and fire. When combined we combust. He is all over the place which gives me and now we are finding out my 4 year old daughter severe anxiety. I have set boundaries for myself to deal with this but I have so many boundaries to deal with him I am exhausted.

We have had trouble with our 4 year old not wanting him to take her to school or pretty much be alone with her without me around. The only thing we can get out of her is I don't like that daddy just stays home don't go to school some days. And she mentioned when she is home with him he just sits on his computer. He does play with them and is affectionate but it is when he wants to be not when they want. For me it is a full-time job in addition to my working full-time job. And if I cannot be playful and affectionate during a time like trying to get dinner on the table or getting ready for work I tell them why I cannot hold them then try to let them help with something. It is frustrating but this is how it is being a mom. You never do anything alone anymore. So anyway he used to take them to school in the morning b/c I have to be to work at 730 and he needed to do something to help as a parent. He started being really flaky with this a few months ago so I just said screw it I'll be late and get them to school. Kids and I got a routine down but then he decided he wanted to take them again. Except kids threw a fit b/c they like going with me now. So we finally thought we got 4 year old back to going with him in mornings except this morning we had an issue again. I asked him to get kids ready while I get dressed and I would do hair. He sat and played on his phone then when I came down he tells them ok you have to get dressed, hurry, mommy is ready to leave. They got all freaked out I was leaving and said mommy needs to dress us (control, keeping mommy home) this made H happy b/c now he does not have to dress them. I try and dress them and they fuss over everything which is why he hates dressing them. He is meanwhile upstairs getting dressed then sat on his computer. I finally just had a meltdown/tantrum. I just started crying and screaming. Why does no one care about me and my schedule or what I want! Why am I always giving!? Why can't I get what I need?!  He of course informed me I was being a bad parent b/c I had a meltdown in front of our children.

I literally feel like I am going crazy. Like I have reached stage crazy. I almost thought of checking in at a mental institution just to get away from the madness. Ironically enough my Lent quote of the day was "I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse" -Deuteronomy 30:19

Ok I just needed to vent somewhere. Thanks.