Moms and their daughters

Four years ago, my daughter got very angry with me when I shared with my family - meaning my son, my daughter and my spouse - how I realized the error I had made in playing the peace maker and always relenting/giving-in/swaying to my spouse's anger so he could be happy;  how I realized I was NOT doing a good thing;  how doing that  had backfired on me major big time.  I let them know I was determined not to be controlled by my spouse's anger - and I know it would be rough - but I was sure the outcome would be positive.

My daughter was angry with me.  She thought I was being mean.  She thought I was ruining our family.  It was even the catalyst that propelled her to find her own  apartment quicker than she had originally planned. 

My daughter got married 18 months ago.  When she was dating her husband for the 4 years prior to their marriage, we always teased her about how she was "marrying her father."  She and her Daddy have a special bond, so it always brought her a chuckle. 

It became quite obvious there was some sort of 'trouble in newlywed paradise' over the past Holiday Season.   Tension was thick, and they were icy towards each other.  My daughter did not want to talk to her mother about her marriage.  My son-in-law insisted they had just had an argument, and . . . . . .he was not backing down.  

Last night our daughter tearfully shared her pain:    She gets no validation for who she is and what she does.  No shared household chores.  Feeling at the bottom of his attention after video games and weekends with his buddies.  And most painful for me to hear:  "The only way we ever end disagreements is if I go and say I'm sorry, because I don't like him being upset." 

At age 23, she is seeing a counselor alone "to work on herself because she cannot fix him."  

I had previously told my family that I respected all of their feelings about how our marriage got a  major upheaval - BUT, while I would listen to them vent, my son and our daughter had no place interfering/trying-to-fix my relationship with my spouse.  I would listen to their frustrations, but I would not take sides.  They love their Dad, and I know they love me.  

Hey, I am not doing a good job with my own relationship with my spouse.  I have no great words of wisdom for my daughter.  I tend to feel a bit guilty - but I know she is a grown up and has to make her own decisions.  I got her back, I will love and support her - in whatever choices she has to make.

It is a nightmare that I didn't see coming.

Last night my spouse made a random statement - "Well her melancholy-ness can't be helping much. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

Can't change him.  Can't make him want to see.  

I can only make decisions for myself.  It HAS been calm here at our house - as I have steered clear of anything that would be conflict.  

This is where I got.  This is why I lost all hope.  

God help us all.