Monday morning

"The kindest thing someone can do for a practicing alcoholic is to leave him. That is because propping him up will only keep him longer away from doing something positive about himself, before it is too late. Fact is he may think he is O.K. and not that bad, if someone is putting up with him or propping him up, as the saying goes." This quote comes from http://howtosurviveaa.com.  I am not sure my dh is an alcoholic.  I do feel that beer is his best friend. It is LIKE being married to an alcoholic when the ADD spouse can't earn a living wage because of inability to focus and impulsive lack of what is appropriate.

ADD feels like un-love because EVERYTHING is more important than me.  It is worse than un-love...it is a person who says (thinks) he is committed but then turns his back on you - it is betrayal.  I must say, both of us (dh and me) could use someone who loves us more.  Love is missing from our lives and it is causing us both stress and probably illness down the road.  Loving feelings are the balm of stress.  Without the love, the work seems pointless.

After children grow up and pets die and friends become more distant merely because of our limited energies, you are alone with your spouse and look back on how you spent your hours and your thoughts and your purposes.  When your spouse seems to hate you, (or you lose your spouse) you wonder what to do with the rest of your life.  How to get love and purpose back into your life.  You realize that all the drama and needs of making a home and having children took up your thoughts and time and energy.  Now you must face who you thought you were and who you have become.

This must be a difficult morning for many of us.

Facing Monday Morning

I am very sorry you are having a tough day.  And have had so many decades of tough days. It is really hard to realize how much you have given up to a lost cause. Lost because your husband chooses not to address his issues. The AA quote is essentially saying that unless there is a reason to change change will not happen.  That is the basis of their belief that the alcoholic must hit bottom before he or she will be willing to quit for good.  I do, however, think it is simplistic because the reason why you are an alcoholic does matter. If you develop dependency because of untreated brain conditions, as so many do, then hitting bottom may not be enough.  That being said, the tenant that change will not happen without impetus remains true. Propping the spouse up when he is unwilling to address issues is a no win path. He will not have a reason to get better and you bear the consequences and too much responsibility. He may seek treatment if you leave. He might not. But you have fulfilled more than enough of your responsibilities. You can choose to live the rest of your life with your needs a priority with absolutely no shame. And even if you choose to stay, you can start giving yourself higher priority.  Experiment with new hobbies, do activities you like, ignore his grumbling about it. Yes I know it is easier said than done. We need to relearn new healthy habits too.  Best wishes.