My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD, on the heels of having our 5 year old son diagnosed as well. After some acceptance of his overall diagnosis and a lot of pushback on the treatment end, my husband is slowly coming around to recognizing he needs to work on things. While he has done well career-wise, he's in denial that seeking treatment for his ADHD could drastically improve things at home. We are participating in Melissa Orlov's ADHD in Marriage seminar via phone and he seems to be somewhat coming to terms with having to work on things. I've already told my husband that this is it for me. Either he takes responsibility for his ADHD and we work together or I'm ending the marriage (after nearly 12 years). I will say he has been trying to make more of an effort to help out around the house. I"m weary of praising him for taking on the chores and responsibilities he should have already been doing. While I know I should recognize them, i feel like it's only a matter of time before the "honeymoon period" of him helping is over and he resorts back to his old ways. And really, let's face it, no one praises me for running around like a chicken with my head cut off for everyone else's sake every day.
This weekend was Mother's Day. We decided to go to breakfast with our 3 young kids on Saturday instead of Sunday. Overall breakfast was fine but instead of helping me cut up food for our younger 2 kids, he sat and watched me cut up food, pour syrup, push up sleeves, etc... and then dove into his own breakfast. By the time I got everyone settled, he was more than 1/2 done with his breakfast. I didn't say anything but just let it go. The day continued with errands, house work, sports for our kids, etc... While I'm never one for being big into celebrating things like my b-day or Mother's Day, etc... a little recognition of these days would be nice. My kids were quite eager to wake us up early yesterday to wish me a happy mother's day and give me their hand-made presents... which, of course, I enjoyed!! My husband then just handed me a card and said Happy mother's day. While we had no real concrete plans, other than a sports game and taking my mom to dinner, the day kind of went downhill when one child ended up having strep and having a rough day.
Last night, instead of reading stories and helping the kids get ready for bed, he went outside to cut the lawn (one of his fav activities). Then after the kids were in bed and I was doing laundry and making lunches for the kids for today, he came inside and announced he was going to take the cars for a car wash cause he had a free coupon.
When we went to bed last night, my husband said that he hoped I really enjoyed my Mother's Day. I was so upset because he seemed to genuinely think I enjoyed the day/weekend. I'm not one for looking for gifts, etc... but I was so disappointed that I didn't even get a bouquet of flowers or something from my husband. I was thinking that I was heading into the weekend with little to no expectations so I wouldn't be hurt. I guess the fact that I was in tears last night and this AM tells me that I did have some, bare minimum expectations, about my husband acknowledging yesterday as Mother's Day with more than just a simple card.
When he realized this AM that I was upset, I let it out. He was so shocked that I was upset at the weekend overall and couldn't fathom why I didn't have a good time. He told me it didn't even dawn on him about getting flowers because he had been so focused on trying to help out over the last couple of weeks at home, that he thought that would mean more. So, of course, that only made me more upset. Am I really supposed to forego any recognition on holidays, b-days, etc... because he's trying to focus on pulling his own weight at home?! I've been holding the house and family together, on top of working full-time, for so long that now I'm supposed to continue to sacrifice? I'm supposed to be happy that he's finally working to pull a portion of his weight in the marriage and house that that's supposed to be good enough? Am I the only one who thinks that this isn't fair and isn't right? Am I the only one who is struggling to realize that NOW in order to have my ADHD husband focus on the responsibilities that he accepted when we got married and became parents, I somehow have to forego any sort of romance, acknowledgment of appreciation, etc...?
AM I the only one who wonders if there's more out there in other people's relationships? Why can't I have my cake and eat it to? Why can't I have a husband who helps out at home and with the kids and who also shows his appreciation and affection for me as his wife and the mother of his 3 children? Is that honestly too much to ask? I'm really starting to see the harsh reality that it might be too much to ask of a husband with ADHD. And really, i'm a lot more upset about it than I thought i would be.
I'd like to think of myself as a strong person but even this seems like a hard lesson in life to swallow.
You are not alone. Albeit,
Submitted by hrtbrkn on
You are not alone. Albeit, between the two of you, i am sure you feel it, and rightfully so. my adhd hubby asked weeks ago if i wanted flowers. I gave 2 more options that are all about the same price (pedicure and a massage, all run about $35). The day came, and i didnt even get a peep out of a single person in our 4 people + 1 2yr old household. Not a single peep. They let me cook dinner, and then clean up all the dishes as well, along with watch the baby, pick up the house and not get a nap like the rest of them did. I too had set the bar low. So low, i was simply looking for those 3 words. 3 tiny, short words. They never came. I was hiding in the closet off and on throughout the day as i cried, knowing they wouldnt come, and knowing that no one else gave a damn. The next evening, i finally brought it up, fully expecting a fight. He said sorry, and that i am important and he should have made a bigger deal about it because i am the best mom he knows. That was the end of that. No "i want to make it up to you", no nothing. <br>
I begin to wonder. Is setting the bar lower really helping? Are we minimizing ourselves by setting the bar low in anticipation of needing to protect ourselves from our loved ones? I think i would be less disappointed if i expected a ton and it didnt happen, because i knew i was setting the bar high. But to set it sooo low, and still be disappointed. Its a real killer. Perhaps its time to try expecting more again? You deserve it!
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Happy Mothers Day, belated, to you. <3
I feel that sitting back
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I feel that sitting back silently and waiting for my husband to provide me with a thoughtful or romantic holiday experience is setting everyone up for disappointment. Honestly, not many men can do that, ADHD or not. For me, I have much better success at making known exactly what I want. That might even mean making my wants known as the day unfolds rather than expecting plans to be made in advance.
If I want a quiet and low key day then I just wait until the afternoon and say, "Why don't you go to the store and get some steaks and cook us dinner on the grill."
If i need some help with housework I say, "Hey, I would really like for everyone to spend one hour helping me put away this mountain of laundry and tidying up the house. Then we can all watch a movie or take a nap."
If I just want some time alone I would say, "I would really like some time alone for Mother's Day. Would you stay home with the kids while I go to the spa?" And then make the spa appointment myself.
If I wanted I special breakfast in bed, I would make sure that all of the ingredients were in the fridge. The night before the holiday I would say, "Would you guys make me sausage gravy and biscuits for breakfast in the morning?" I make sure to choose a meal that they can successfully prepare.
My family would love to do any or all of those things for me for Mother's Day. They just don't know how to do it without it being suggested to them. Then, at the end of the day we all feel good about how we have helped each other, rather than feeling disappointed and ignored.
I realize that these suggestions require no planning or preparation from my husband. But I'm willing to lower my expectations and do a little planning myself so that the holiday can be a good experience for everyone.
I really don't think that our husbands want to punish us on holidays. They just don't think like us and they don't know what we want. I have found that having realistic expectations and gently leading my husband through the process gives the best outcome.
I'm not sure how much of this
Submitted by lisa84 on
I'm not sure how much of this is ADHD and how much is a guy thing. I have ADD and I spend days, sometime weeks, looking for the perfect gift for my loved ones. Holidays and Birthdays have always been very important to me and I love to do special things for the people I love. That's one of the reasons Holdays have always been sad and disappointing during my marriage to a thoughtless husband, who has never tried to know me or gotten me a gift out of love, but only out of duty. He doesn't even appreciate receiving gifts himself, so I stopped bothering to get him anything, which also makes me sad.
At least my kids are more thoughtful, especially my 11 yr old son. He puts thought into the gifts he gets and I'm hopeful he will not be like his dad when he grows up.
This Mother's Day turned out to be great, but it was probably not one that most Mother's would find ideal. Keep in mind, I'm still married, but we are divorcing. Because of that, I had no expectations from my H and was not disappointed. He took our 3 older kids out to eat with his family. The baby, my mom (she lives with us) and I, stayed home, ate Chinese takeout, and watched GOT episodes. It was very relaxing and I didn't feel guilty about the kids being away from me because they wanted to go and we homeschool so they are always with me. We were invited to go along, but I don't go anywhere with H anymore. He has some type of personality disorder, is no fun to be around, and just brings me down. When we go out to eat, he just ignores me, sits there staring off into space and eats. I choose to spend my time with people I actually like now. How many years I wasted, trying to do things with him and then regretting it afterwards because he basically punished me just for wanting to connect, like normal people do. I thought about buying myself a nice boquet of flowers this Mother's Day, but forgot, lol (Hello ADD!). I would rather buy myself flowers, than have someone do it out of a sense of duty.
Sorry I can't really offer any advice, but I do know the pain and the burden of false expectations. Just about every Holiday of our 12 yr marriage has been a disappointment. I have also experienced the genuine surprise when you are not happy with their lack of effort. It's down right bizarre. All I can think, is that you just have to find happiness in yourself. But thatis hard to do and still have a happy marriage. I know some Mother's who get no recognition of Mother's Day from their grown kids. It's sad, but a fact of life, that people will disappoint and it will hurt. But you're not supposed to feel that type of pain from the person who is supposed to be your soul mate, your support, your one safe place in life.